How to Compare Without Despair

Comparison is part of being human. Our brains are literally wired to look around and ask, “How am I doing compared to everyone else?” The problem isn’t that we compare. It’s what we make that comparison mean.

In this episode, I share why comparing ourselves to other people so quickly turns into shame, why social media pours gasoline on that fire, and how I’m intentionally trying to create a different culture inside my communities—one of Compare & Create instead of Compare & Despair.

I talk about everything from getting jealous over a friend’s hot tub, to admiring a gorgeous woman on the beach, to why seeing someone else’s success doesn’t have to become evidence that you’re behind.

If you’ve ever caught yourself scrolling Instagram and suddenly feeling like everyone else has it figured out except you, this episode is for you.

Because maybe the question isn’t, “Why aren’t I there yet?”

Maybe the better question is:

“If they can create that…what can I create?”

Come check out my newest offer, SEEN. Think you will like-y.

https://www.tamarcoaching.com/seen

Transcript

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SPEAKER_00 0:13

Welcome, welcome, welcome back everybody. Welcome back to Brave Little Things. I am Tamara, your hostess. Is it a host or hostess? Or it could be both. I want to welcome you guys back to the show. We've got a good episode in store for you today. A really important one, actually. It's been on my mind for a while, so I'm excited to get it out and into the world. And before we jump in, I just want to say I've got a very fun new offer at the house. And I think that a lot of you are going to be excited about this one. And I think it'll speak to many people. So I've created this new private coaching package that I'm calling Scene. S-E-E-N, All Capital. And what it is, is a private, a three private coaching session over a six-week period of time where we'll work on your business and your voice and your visibility so you can truly stop performing and stop overthinking every freaking thing that you share, that you post, that you say, and start list letting people actually meet you. That's definitely what's been the hardest thing for so many women that I'm speaking to and men, both women and men. So if you're kind of you're one of those, you're tired of feeling like you know exactly who you are in real life, but somehow that doesn't come across online or when you're at some networking event or talking to somebody at a party or anything like that, then you're gonna love this one and you can just go to I'll put into the show notes so you can get a little more information, but it's gonna be a good one. All right, guys. Well, let's talk a little bit about what I'm calling, you know, how to compare without despair, which probably sounds like, is that even possible? Like, can we even do that? And that's exactly what we're talking about today because I believe that we can, and I'm gonna teach you exactly how. So I think this topic has kind of come up for me because I myself have been in many different challenges recently with like a lot of different people. You know, it's like I in usually you are kind of in your own little lane doing your own little thing, especially as entrepreneurs, and then when you get thrown into like a program or a challenge or whatever, often you're with all these people, then this kind of stuff comes up. And I myself am running, you know, a program, a challenge right now myself with 36 amazing women. So so it's been coming up. And specifically, I've been like, you know, if you've been online, you'll know the the woman, Jesse Jean, which is a a woman that I've now also just jumped into her challenge, although I haven't gone into completely yet because I'm still kicking off my unmute and still getting my women going and things like that. But, you know, this is a woman who made, I think at this point, six million dollars. Six million dollars of two launches over the period of like three months or something. And everybody and anybody has something to say about her and these launches and what happened and all this kinds of stuff. But what I'm seeing a lot is a lot of people just like being like, I'm jealous. I'm just gonna admit it, I'm jealous. I've been in this game for 10 years, and she comes in on Instagram for like seven months and she's made six million dollars. Like I'm really jealous. And I just thought that was so interesting because first of all, they're completely like taking away a huge factor, which is she's actually been on Instagram for I don't know how many years it was, but many years. This is just a new account. And, you know, this idea that she kind of, you know, just went to six million out of nowhere, like they're kind of missing the whole, you know, they go they went from like chapter two to chapter like 14, like we're like completely skipping many, many steps. And I myself, when you know, bu when I build a community, you know, whether it be an event or a program or whatever it is with numerous people in it, I am consciously looking out for building it with a community that is really created by a culture and a value system of what I'm calling compare and create. And we're gonna talk a lot about that. Compare and create as opposed to compare and despair. And compare and create is all about being able to show up fully who you are, right? We also don't want to do the opposite. I think a lot of times, you know, this whole like fake book, you know, we talk about like, you know, oh, there's so fake book, which I think actually is something we don't say anymore, but we did when Facebook first came out. And it can really go either way. I think a lot of people can kind of like overly show off and make their life look so much better than it actually is, and people can also hold themselves back because they don't want to be like that kind of a person. And so when we are moving and creating a culture around compare and create, we're talking about be exactly who you are, don't hold back either way, and allow it to inspire other people to want to do that too. If that's something exciting to them. So that's what we're talking about. We're gonna talk about, you know, compare and despair and compare and create. And listen, I think that with compare and despair, what happens is when what it well, let me define it first, or not define it, but talk about a little bit. What it is is when you are comparing yourself to somebody else, and your brain is immediately like using it as evidence against you. Right? Someone shares, you know, what they're making, or that they've got a hundred people signed up in their program, or they've been working out a lot and they just lost fifty pounds and you know, sh show a picture of themselves, or they just bought their dream house, and then your brain is like, see, I'll never, I'll never get there. That's that's them, that's not me. I'm not, I'm, you know, I'm like behind, like they're you know, there's no way I'm gonna do this, they've got that, I'll never have that. This sucks. Right. That's gonna that's compare despair. And that is incredibly accessible to all of us numerous times a day with social media. All we simply have to do is pick up that phone and scroll, scroll, scroll, and boom, we could be in a little haven, a little heaven of compare despair in like two seconds, sh like flat. That is simple, easy. But listen, it all it also like it it's it's it's literally how we're built. We are pack animals. Our brains are constantly checking, am I okay? Am I following the rules of this tribe? Am I on par? What's happening here? Because, you know, thousands of years ago, you would literally get kicked out. I know I talk about this all the time because it's so true. It's like you would get kicked out of the tribe if you were not doing the same thing that everybody else was doing, which is also why it's so important for me and so important in general for, you know, folks who are doing things, brave things, courageous things like building businesses or writing books, or, you know, wanting to cre you know, go on a year-long adventure in a world, whatever, you know, whatever that is, to be surrounded by a community of people or friends, you know, that also being community, who are doing the same thing or support that, because our brains will automatically think something's wrong with us if we're trying to do those kinds of things. You know, it's just what happens when we aren't the compare and despair space is it's like a form of jealousy. I mean, obviously that's what it is, right? And jealousy, what jealousy is, is that you see something that you believe you cannot have. I remember had I had this experience with a friend of mine who I, you know, who had gotten a hot tub, a cedar hot tub, and it's so beautiful, so amazing, and like my dream. And immediately I just went into this like compare and despair thing of like she's gonna have this and she's gonna have amazing experience, like moments with her kids because she has a hot tub now. And my brain didn't even like, you know, think about for a moment that, well, if this is something that I really want, I can try to figure out how to create this also. Maybe not could be tomorrow where I go out and buy a cedar hot tub, but it could be something that I make a plan for, and then in three years I buy myself a seed or hot tub. It didn't even like, you know, not negotiate, what's the word? Like, it didn't even like think about that that's a possibility. It's went right into despair the moment that happened. And that happens, I think, to a lot of us. And the reason why is because it's like this scarcity mentality that we have in our culture, right? It's like there like there's only a certain amount of like slice of success pie that we can have, right? This like, if you have more, then that means I must have less. And it's like circulates. This is like a a disease in our culture where that's what happens. We immediately see something we like. If we don't have it, it's like, well, you know, I can't believe they get to have it and I don't, and we go into victim mentality and we kind of can spiral in all the different directions. But one thing uh that I I really like to remember when I'm in a moment of like comparing despair with somebody, and this kind of this kind of and this kind of like knocks me like, you know, in a moment, gets brings me back to life. It is this. It is remembering that someone else's life sucks just as much as mine. And also their life is just as awesome as mine because we are human beings and all of us are walking around with human lives that are 50% really hard, really challenging, really painful, and 50% really great moments. And of course, all of our flavors are different. Someone's 50% that sucks might be really different than somebody else's, and vice versa, and they're awesome as well. But that we are not, nobody here is a quote unquote perfect human where like their life is just great. They've got this, they've got that, and they literally have nothing that they're struggling with. No, everyone has a struggle, and it really kind of brings you back into your moment your body, and remember, like, right, I have these amazing things also, and I want this thing that I see that they have, right? And the place you can shift is in figuring out, okay, how then do I get that? Right? How do I go after that? And I say, by the way, as we're talking about, you know, comparison and all those kinds of things, that comparison on its own is is is a totally it could be a great thing. It could be a a perfectly con fine thing, right? There's like a little bit of a competition there, and competition is not bad. My family loves a good game. We play lots of games, lots of Monopoly and other games, and we love we actually last night was the World Cup, and I can't tell you how much joy and excitement, and it was just a whole competition. It was like everyone was like super stoked, screaming, yelling. My like my husband lost his voice, my kid too. You know, we love it. We love a good, a good competition, even like dancing competitions, all the stuff. But when someone wins, we don't leave thinking, I guess that means we're losers. They're winners, we're losers, that's it. This sucks. No, right? We make we leave it like allowing it to be just a fun kind well, mostly, I will say there are definitely moments, I think. One of us might be getting a little bit pissed about stuff, but in general, 99.9, we're like, this is just a fun, playful competition. And yes, you might have won this time, but I'm gonna win next time, right? So I think it's a a really important conversation to have because I think as again, as human beings, we're walking around, we're all having this. I know that every single one of you listening right now could like, if you're gonna kind of pause this podcast and just think back of one moment where you kind of fell into a, you know, compare and despair moment in your life. And honestly, you probably wouldn't have to go that far. You probably will be able to think of something just today, in fact, which is crazy. So, you know, I was having this, this is a really this is actually this, I really loved that this particular conversation happened. I was going for a really long, beautiful sunset walk on the beach with my very close friend, like three days ago, actually. And we were chatting and talking and just enjoying each other, you know. And this like gorgeous woman walks right by past us, like an amazing body, like a really beautiful woman. And we both immediately like looked at each other, we're like, oh my God. Right? We could like feel the compare and despair just like, you know, oozing out of us. Um and it was it felt intense for a moment, you know, felt intense a moment, kind of like, you know, I'm definitely pre-menopause, like having a hard time, you know, getting off that last five pounds, and she's just walking back by with a beautiful little bathing suit. And and so we ended up having this whole conversation or talking, and you know, I was like, what if, you know, what if we could look at beautiful people the same way we looked at the sea? Like with just pure wonder, pure delight, without needing it to be like ours.

unknown 12:50

Right?

SPEAKER_00 12:50

Can I appreciate beauty without needing to own it? You know, like can we just like enjoy, like see her, this beautiful woman, God's creation just as much as the sea? Just be like, that is so beautiful. I love like a healthy, strong body. That is like a beautiful thing. You know, just so I like I don't look at the sea and I'm like, oh my God, I can't believe that I don't have waves also, and I can't like splash around with little, you know, it's like you don't do that. Like, could we do that with people that we're like pretty amazed by? I think that would shift so much for us, you know? And again, this is like the stuff I I really like to bring into my own groups and programs and containers because what it does is it allows us to move from, I can't believe I can't have it, I can't believe that they can, it kind of tears people apart from each other, right? Instead of getting them closer, and instead create this this time and moment of like seeing what each other have, the different good goodness, good things that each other have, and learn, like, okay, what sparks you? Like, are you excited about this? If you are excited about what she has, how can you create that? Right? Because you can go into a mode of, you know, well, how do they do that? And what what can I learn from this? And if she can do that, I can do that. If she can make that happen, I can make that happen because she's just a person like I am, right? Like so feels so much better. That experience that feels so much better being able to say that like learning how you can then, you know, instead of against yourself, you can work use it towards you, how to build you up, which is in a I think is the way to do it. So, you know, uh by the way, I think that there are also things we can do to make sure not to like pour, you know, salt on a wound when we're feeling that, you know, there's some days you wake up and you feel more despairy, you know, you feel more like like just not good about, you know, about yourself in that moment or whatever. And that's kind of the time when we decide, like when you pick up your phone, is today the day I scroll? Maybe not. Right? Maybe that maybe today is not the day that I scroll. Maybe that's today is the day that I go outside for a longer walk, right? Is today the day that I pick up the phone and call that friend that very that I like have this tinge of jealousy for a lot, you know, and imagine that if I have a conversation with her, it's gonna come up again. Okay, maybe today's not the day that I call that friend. Maybe I call a different friend today. So there are things that we can do to help kind of like, you know, dissipate the despair feeling, you know, and kind of put it and come back to it like on a on a different day when you're feeling stronger, a little bit more powerful and and those kinds of things, which really can help you a big time because again, we're living in a society where it's so easy to kind of go there and despair over certain kinds of things. But that's you want to like really kind of give yourself a check-in in that kind of way. And and remembering, like, really remembering when you do decide to go and scroll, going in with a mindset of remembering, like, you know, the people that you're looking at, most likely they have different circumstances than you do. Right? Most likely they've been in the game for 10 years longer, or they don't have as many children as you, or they have some kind of financial support, right? It's it's not like making excuses so that you feel better, but it is really like starting to like see realistically what's happening here. Because we're, you know, when you see a post, when you see a piece of content, you're taking it face value and you're not seeing the whole story that goes around it, how many times they showed up to their account when they had like, you know, 50 followers. You're not seeing that stuff. You're seeing it when they have like 50K followers, but they've been there, they've been where you are, and you kind of have to see it that way in order to kind of like help yourself, you know, push away from that that moment of like despair. And I think also recognizing like you are exactly where you should be. I say to myself all the time when I'm like in that mode. I'm just like, I where I am is exactly where I should be. I should not be somewhere else. That's part of the despair piece. It's kind of like this shame of they have this, I should be where they are, and I'm not. And reminding yourself, no, I'm exactly where I should be. And you can give yourself actual concrete reasons why that is true, which helps your brain really retain it and believe it, which is really, really important. And I think uh the last piece I really is like the most important piece, honestly, actually. I really kind of felt like I should maybe I should have put it really the beginning, but this is the most important, which is, you know, comparison, a beautiful way to use comparison to benefit you, to build you up, to do all those kinds of things, is you comparing yourself, you comparing yourself to yourself, comparing yourself to your past self. That is the best kind. Like where was I last year? What was I doing? Or even like if you had created an amazing result, let's say, you know, four months ago, whatever, like let's say it was, you know, mm really having this amazing, you know, being in a real friend circle, people calling you and you're just active socially and you felt really great about that, and thinking, and then you're in a place four months later where like it's not really happening so much, and you're feeling lonely and you're feeling out of it. You know, really compare yourself to you four months ago. Like, how did she do that? What was she thinking? What kind of actions was she taking? Maybe she was like initiating calling these friends and and talking to them. Maybe she's making time on her calendar for that. So really comparing yourself to yourself for both ways. Like maybe she was doing something that rocked that you it's not happening in your life now and you want to figure out how to do it, or seeing like where she was and where she is now. Like I cannot wait for my women and unmute in my 28-day visibility challenge. They're on while in time for recording, they're on day, I think, four. It will be much further along by the time you guys hear this, but I cannot wait for them to watch back on day 28 to watch back their day one video and see how far they have come. That is a beautiful way to compare. That is a beautiful way to ensure that you are going to, it's gonna help you glow up and blow up. But blow up in a good way, I guess that's what glow up is. That's the way we can do it. Because comparison, guys, is ain't gonna go away. We are human, it is here to stay. But the question is whether you'll compare yourself to somebody else and make you feel like crap, or compare and recognize something inside of them that you want and trying to figure out how to get it, which is an incredibly powerful way to do it, or compare yourself to yourself in the past, see how far you have come, or figure out how to try to do to recreate something that you did that you loved. That is a p powerful way to do it, right? And to not beat yourself up about it because it is literally a part of how this human package was designed and created. So I want you to think about it, keep an eye eye out for where you are, you know, comparing and despairing in your life, and start to implement. Okay, what is this showing me? Is this pointing out something that I'm wanting in my life? And I guess and then I can figure out, okay, great, it's a great piece of knowledge and information. How can I get that? Or let's remember where I was, where I was just a few years ago, a few months ago, a few minutes ago, and see how far I have come. And this is exactly the direction I'm gonna keep on going with. So what do you think? You gonna go for it? I hope so, guys, because this really can be something that holds a lot of us back, and it also something that can really allow us to set us free if we can learn the art of compare and create. So I love you guys so much. Go ahead and go check out the new offer scene, see if it's for you. I'd love to answer, I'll answer any questions, but I'd love to have you in my container. And I'm wishing you guys a beautiful day. I will see you all next week.