6 Things to Unlearn from School

School taught many of us how to succeed inside a system.

But entrepreneurship, creativity, leadership, and building a meaningful life often require a completely different skill set.

In this episode, I’m sharing 6 things I think many of us learned in school that we may need to unlearn as adults — especially if we want to build businesses, take brave action, trust ourselves more deeply, and stop living like we’re still trying to get an A in life.

We talk about:
- why “sit still and be quiet” can destroy visibility
- procrastination as information (not always laziness)
- why not everything deserves your “very best”
- the surprising power of failure
- self-trust vs outsourcing authority
- the difference between collaboration and dependence

This one is especially for my fellow recovering good students, perfectionists, people pleasers, and creative entrepreneurs trying to build a life that actually feels like theirs.

And when you're ready to unlearn all the rules that will set you free to be the best boss inside of your business and life, book a consult with me to get the exact kind of support you will need:

www.tamarcoaching.com/consult 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey, hey everybody, welcome back. Brave Little Things. So glad that you're back here with us. I hope everyone's doing well. I'm doing pretty good. However, I will say that my neighbors for the next couple weeks, three, I think they said, are doing construction work in their house. And their house is like attached to our house. And we can hear everything. So from nine to four, they're freaking loud. And that would be fine for somebody who doesn't work from home, record podcasts, coach clients, make videos, but I am, and I will, I've got lots of stories already where I'm actually doing this 30-day challenge of you know creating videos every day for Instagram. And I have had to leave to go into my car to record these videos mostly because again, it's insanely all of a sudden there could be a sound. My phone has overheated numerous times in the car, like it's shut down. It's it's just ridiculous. So I've recorded these podcasts in the evening when my kids are around. So there might be some other kind of loud noise, but it will be more pleasant than if you are hearing the construction. So, anyways, welcome back. We're gonna be talking about something that is near and dear to my heart. Um, six things to unlearn from school. And the reason why I say it's near and dear to my heart because I do believe that when I mastered these lessons, I really became a different adult, a different human being, and certainly a different entrepreneur. It really kind of opened things up for me. And, you know, I'll say, listen, I am the daughter of a headmaster. Yes, my father was a headmaster of my school, my whole life, actually. He was great though. He was a he kept space, he didn't, he wasn't too much in our space. He did a really good job of of that. And I took school really seriously. And I mean, I wouldn't say I liked school, but I took it seriously, I did its thing, and I'm grateful for school. I'm grateful to teachers because man, their freaking job is insane. And it's just it gets my kids out of the house, hopefully learning something, definitely social, all that kind of stuff. So school is great. This is not a bash on school situation. However, I do think we picked up certain lessons from school that I would like to give back, I'd say, maybe unwind and decide which ones, you know, are no longer serving us so we can say, okay, bye-bye, let's move on. So that's a little bit of the conversation we're gonna be having today. I will also say, you know, I I am a world schooler, homeschooler by heart, or, you know, like I I basically would have loved to do that with my kids. However, the country that I live in and also, you know, the partner I'm with wasn't necessarily 100% behind that idea. And but I do think there are things that we get to, we get different messages and different learning things when we kind of take into our own hands. So here we are taking into our own hands perhaps the kind of schooling that we personally got and maybe something we can pass on to our own kids. But all of these tips are going to help us as we bravely step into our lives and step into our businesses. So I hope there you find them helpful today. All right, guys, should we just jump in? Let's just jump right in. We're just gonna go for it. Okay, number one. The number one rule that I like to say bye bye is sit still and be quiet. I mean, I'm sure you all heard this growing up, and this is not, by the way, just schooling, obviously. This is potentially parent from our parents, from our outside world, whatever it is, but sit still and be quiet and be respectful, right? Be compliant, stay in your own lane, right? I know my even my my son, actually, this is so old school, he had a teacher for two years that had them putting their hands on their desks the entire class so she could make sure that they weren't like messing around. Their hands had to be on their desk the entire time and you know, while she was teaching, and they couldn't obviously talk or pass, you know, any of that kind of stuff. Now, I understand, listen, there definitely needs to be a level of respect. And in fact, I think that, you know, this generation, the younger generation, there could be more of it 100%. However, the level of, you know, adult authority, be quiet, don't speak out, you know, don't be too loud, sit still is it really became a really just way too much. And that doesn't help us. It certainly does not help us when it comes to entrepreneurship. Because what that equals sitting still, staying in your lane, you know, not being not interrupting and you know, giving your real opinion, what that looks like is then really vanilla marketing. You're, you know, when you're out there sharing on Instagram or, you know, creating emails or speaking to people even, it's just really vanillified. And when I say vanilla, I'm just like boring, like super, super boring. You're trying to stay, you know, in you know, in the lines. And that's kind of content that just people pass on by or right away, right? It becomes a also what the reason why is because then it becomes such a fear of showing up and being seen. Because if you say and share something that's a little bit not in, you know, would not would define you as like not sitting still and being quiet and you know, and and being a good girl, then you would be like blacklisted. Right? It's like goes into the whole people pleasing and fearing, you know, like other people will have, you know, opinions about your opinions. And just ultimately the fear of of taking up space. And as an entrepreneur, someone who's building a business, your job is to take up freaking space because you are creating a space. You're creating a whole area of space, and we need you to take up space and shine your light. And the rule of like sitting still and being quiet is the opposite of that. I remember I had gone into a classroom, we were checking out other classrooms for my kids at one point, and I went to this classroom and there was like a big ball, a yoga ball. There's a few of them all over the room. I don't think there's actually any chairs. I think there were like sitting rugs and these yoga balls and things like that. And I was like, oh my lord, the school at the end was not a match for my kid, but I was so impressed and amazed because the notion was like movement and do what feels right for you and stand up and move if you need to, which I so respect because everybody is so different. How they learn is different, and honestly, like you know, we know we're the research that we're learning more and more now is just how connected our bodies are to our minds. And so these kids have freedom to not sit still, not be quiet, right? In fact, I actually imagine that because they can stand up and go to go to a yoga ball or just move around, that they actually are being quiet, quote unquote, in terms of just like listening because they are able to engage, which I really, really love. And you know, as entrepreneurs, we have something to say. And we have to be able to kind of touch base with our own needs in that kind of way. You know, I do that with my clients all the time, you know. I always say to them, you know, especially my clients who have ADHD, listen, if you like, you know, I uh sometimes there's been a few clients that are like, I could sell, it's like been a challenge for them to like kind of be sitting, you know, you I coached via Zoom, and I could see it's like challenging to sit for an hour to be coaching. And I'm like, listen, throw me into your ears, let's go for a walk on the beach. And I have been with, I've like worked out with them, you know, me and their ears. I've gone on beach walks with them, various different other kinds of what just movement has been so helpful for them. And so, listen, like, you know, we don't get rewards in entrepreneurship for sitting quietly. We want to hear your voice. So let's rid, get rid of that particular kind of rule that we might have learned and we might have picked up along the way. Okay, number two. This is gonna be an interesting one, guys. You're gonna have thoughts, but number two, don't procrastinate. Right? That is a rule that we learned from definitely from school, parents, the whole thing. Don't procrastinate. What if you don't procrastinate this? Don't put it off, don't put it off. Now, I want to say, I'm gonna share why I put this in, but you know, catch yourself because this is not this rule that I'm like, you know, offering it as an option to rid of is not for the folks who really put off everything, right? They really either put it off and don't do it, or put it off to the last second, and it doesn't work for them. This is more of an idea of, you know, procrastination for those who like do, you know, check off and get things done, make things happen a lot of the time. But then there's certain things that they really procrastinate on. And the reason I put this in the list is something that a rule that we have learned and we picked up along the way, is because this is an interesting idea. So there's a there is a, I don't know if he's a coach or teacher, but one of my coaches loves this guy named Dan Sullivan. And he has this notion that if you're procrastinating something for so long, check in about it because perhaps you're procrastinating because it's not yours. It's not your specialty, it's not something that you're really great at. And perhaps it's something that you could pass along, right? And so it's kind of like, you know, you have that it's kind of like procrastination is like kind of like information, sometimes information for you, a little signal that maybe this is the wrong task for you. And this is a time for a collaboration or support or outsourcing something. So for example, I'll give you an example of mine, which one day I will be outsourcing, but like the all the technical stuff, like the email system, when I was setting up my email system at the beginning of my business, I cannot tell you how long that freaking took me to sit down and learn how to do that. And not because it was hard for me to learn, it was because I was procrastinating that task. And that would have been a beautiful thing for me to outsource if I had decided to do that, if I had the money to do that, all that kind of stuff. I mean, I did have the money, I just didn't choose to use it that way. So we can use, we can like just, you know, it's not like don't ever procrastinate, which is something that we do hear all the time, that it's bad. It makes you that you're lazy if you do. It's more like listen, check in with yourself. Are you procrastinating? Because that's kind of what you have done, and you're just kind of like holding yourself back, but really it's something that could be easily done. Or perhaps it also might be something that you're just not good at, and it's easily something that you can outsource to somebody else. I'll give you a good example. Okay, so my husband, who's also known as a vegan rabbi, he is a genius, brilliant teacher, and you know also a coach, he's a dating coach, matchmaker. He's actually he's a musician, he's a man of many trades. But but yeah, but he's he's he's an you know, a really brilliant educator. And he's been talking about doing a retreat for ages. And then just, I don't know, two weeks ago or so, a vegan chef reached out to him, like a well-established vegan chef, and she's like, Hey, do you want to do a vegan retreat? I will be your chef, and you'll obviously do a little educational piece and you'll run the whole thing. But but yeah, and he is terrible at logistics. He just like, which is so funny, this is like opposite. I am, I freaking love it. I live for logistics. He hates them, I guess, which is you know, match me in heaven. And so this woman was basically like helping move it along, was kind of like, check, you got me, I'll be your vegan chef. Now, like, you know, you figure out what you want to do in terms of teaching or whatever. And it gave him the perfect push to make it happen because he was really procrastinating, he was desiring to create a retreat forever and procrastinating on it, and procrastinating on it, and just needed this one out woman from the outside to be like, You want to do this? Like, and I'll take care of this part. So sometimes with procrastination, it's not always a bad thing. It can be a sign to say, hey, maybe this isn't your job, and you can give it to somebody else, which you know is something to check in about. All right, are you ready? Number three, do your very best. Right? We learned that. We learned that just do your very best. I know myself that I have caught myself many times saying that to my kids also. Right, as long as you do your very best, you put everything into it, right? That's that's what matters. And I know this is gonna feel kind of sound kind of kind of funny, right? Especially because we've really eternalized all of these to be 100% truth. So imagine that I'm like, you know, ruffling some feathers here, but hear me out. Not everything deserves your very best, your full life force. Not everything does. And listen, like there are some things, you know, this and this is definitely something that uh schools, teachers teach maximum effort, put your everything into it. And you know, and if you don't do great, which is not something they totally say, but you know, if you really put your everything into it, that's like all you can do, right? But uh being an adult, walking this life as an adult, and certainly as an entrepreneur, you have to prioritize. You have to watch out for like the sustainability of something. You have to watch your energy, like how much energy you have, right? And so doing your very best, you're not gonna necessarily want to do your very best at everything. Certainly not a lot of things. I'll give you an example. When I was in Australia, I went to Australia my junior year of college, of university as a study abroad program. I think I've spoken about it on the podcast before. And I went to NYU and at, you know, at NYU, I worked my ass off. I was in the library writing papers till three in the morning. I was like attending every class. I worked really hard. Academics was like major. And as I was getting ready for my, you know, study abroad in Australia, I was like, you know what? I'm not gonna do my very best in academics because that's not my priority. My priority is actually to be hiking the land, to be learning from the people, to learning a new culture, to experiencing, to learning about myself. And so I'm not actually gonna focus on academics. I'm not gonna care if I get like a C or whatever, because my priority is not gonna be that. I'm not gonna do my very best there because I want to do my very best in like someone rings me up and says, like, you want to go for a hike here? Yes. Do you want to go on a four-day trip there? Uh-huh. Do you want to go meet with this Aboriginal leader who's coming to say, yep, I do. That's where I want to put all of my energy and effort. And so it's really important that, like, no, we're not doing our very best all the time. We want to choose places we want to do our very best, and the other places, mediocre, is just fine. That's what I say. Right? Some things will deserve your excellence in what in a stage of life, and some things just need to be completed, and you can move on. And that will change depending on which season of life you're in. Right? If I tried to do my very best at everything, I've got news for you. I'd probably do nothing. How exhausting does that sound like to do your very best at everything? Let me tell you, I would not it would not it would not fly with me. Okay, four. Don't fail. Don't fail, just don't fail. Right? Can you imagine if you can think about a mode like bring yourself back to let's say age, I don't know, say 16, and you got a D on your test. Imagine that you just like picture yourself with your teacher and then with one of your parents and the experience of that. Right? Like it's not fun. That is not something, at least I know in my family, like it just it's not it does not fly. You're not allowed to fail. Fa failure is is, you know, the it's just not not happening. Like you're just not allowed to fail. Let me tell you though, that is the worst idea, the worst belief system for an entrepreneur, because literally every stage of your business, of business building and creating, and also of adulting, is go is is set up to fail, which basically just another way of saying like trying, right? When you try, that's how we start to create suc success. Right? Failure is not the opposite of success. Failure is the process to get to the place you will feel successful. In fact, so much that actually I give my clients, I want them to like be excited about failing. I want this to like seriously be, like completely rewire their brain of failure. I will say out of all of these, I think this is definitely the most effort and energy I have to teach my clients to unlearn because it's been so imprinted in their minds. And so I really like go out of my way to make someone desire and want to fail. In fact, I remember being at a uh there was some kind of party. I forgot what it was. It might have been like my friend's bar mitzvah, one of our kids' bar mitzvah parties, I don't know, something. And I was coaching this guy, and he comes, I didn't know who was going to be there, and he comes over to me and he gives me a high five. He's like, I failed, and I forgot what failure was, but he gave me a high five that he did something and he failed. And I was like, I was like, I just felt like the most successful coach in the planet right at that moment. I was like, yes, I am getting people excited about failing because it literally is the way, right? If you can get good at, I'm just gonna try, and like, yes, it I might may it might happen, it might not, then you're just gonna keep on trying. If you keep on trying, success and it is inevitable. Anyway, so I can't ever say that word, by the way, guys. I never will be able to, probably. So what I do by the this is what I do with my clients to get them excited about the idea of failing. I make it to a little bit of a game. And so I'll say, okay, you need to fail 25 times. This is a 25 failure challenge. The number depends on the client, by the way, but let's say, for example, you need to fail 25 times in a month. So you're gonna make a document on your computer or on your phone, and you are going to out you're gonna go out of your way to fail. And every time you fail, you get to write that down on your failure challenge chart. At the end, you'll get a prize, right? And so people will literally like run to their charts so excited that they'd be able to write something down on their chart, right? And failure, we obviously know, is like when you're actually trying something, when you're, you know, for example, running a um a not a Zoom call, but like some kind of workshop or something, and either nobody signs up or you know, where you've really put yourself on the line and it doesn't happen, right? That's quote unquote failing. And so people get really excited about it. Like they want to fail because they know it becomes light and fun and playful. And that's the idea here. We really want to do that. And it's not just with entrepreneurship, right? We're talking about everything, dating, like all the kinds of stuff, right? If you were to go on a hundred dates in, let's say, one month, right, you would fail your face off. But probably what you'd also do is number one, you'd learn a hell lot about yourself, a hell lot about the other, you know, species of people, men or women or whatever, whoever you're dating. And a good chance you might find your person, right? So we want to fail as much as we possibly can because failure means you're participating in this game of life. You cannot go around failure. It's just not possible. You have to go through it every time, time and time again. It's kind of like that book, guys. You guys know the going on a bear hunt, I'm gonna catch a big one. What a beautiful day. I'm not scared. You guys know that book? I read it to my kids maybe a hundred times. They go, this this family is going on this bear hunt. They keep on coming up to these obstacles like a muddy pond or whatever it is, and they're like, oh man, I can't go around it. I just have to go through it. And that's what he has to do with failure. You just gotta go through it. Okay, number five. Other people know better than me. Ooh, good one, right? Other people know better than me. I'm gonna outsource everything, right? I'm not the authority here. My teachers are, the principal is, my parents are, they know better. They'll tell me if I have a question, I mean, I'll have at I'll ask lots of questions because I'm not really sure. The other people have the answers, right? Constantly seeking permission of other people. This is also a big one. This is also a big one that I work on a lot in my coaching because we have det we have detached, no, we have unattached, I don't know, whatever that word is, from our deep self-trust intuition that we that is living inside of each and every one of us. But because we have grown up believing that other people know, right, these teachers and principals and whoever they are know better than us, we have lost touch with our own deep knowing. And so we really have to like plug back in. And the way we do that is really going into full-blown scientist experiment mode. Right? Really getting clear about okay, what do I already know here and what do I not? What am I trying to figure out? And let me go and figure it out, let me go and find, try something out, and then from there I'll have research, I'll have data to know more information that I can then make my decision. Right? And so we and as I think a Especially in this world where we now we've got Chat GPT on top of all of it, obviously Google still, then we've got the internet, then we've got all the people in our lives. It's so easy to outsource everything. But no. No, no, no, no, no. Like think about it, like for a moment. If let's say the internet closed down, like it just like it was done. No chat GBT, no Facebook, nothing. And you are unable to get in touch with any of your family members or friends, do you think you could figure it out on your own? And a lot of people would say no. A lot of people that would scare the crap out of them. And so what I'm saying here is let's not outsource our own power. Right? You stop becoming powerful when you outsource every single question and and or answer from somebody else. Okay, last one, guys. Keep your eyes on your own paper. You guys remember hearing this? Keep your eyes on your own paper. So these two, five and six that I'm sharing here, they might sound that they cut contradict one another, but they don't. And I'll try to explain it the best I possibly can. But you know, you when you're like in your class and you're taking your tests or even just a project, keep your eyes on your own paper. Like don't, you know, copy the don't copy each other, all those kinds of things. Right? We want to try to unlearn this like hyper independence. So as much as we're saying about number five, right, like outsourcing and other people knowing better, we also can go into mode of like hyper independence. Just do it on your own. You should be the only one doing your project, right? Don't look at somebody else's paper to see what else they have. But you know what, guys? We're not meant to build alone. We are meant to understand what we know, what we are really good at, what we don't need help with, right? And that's the piece of number five. But then this, keeping your eyes on your own paper, is all about then knowing the places that we can build with somebody else, where we can bring in help and support and all those kinds of things. Right? I know like my daughter, she'll have study groups for before she does tests, and it's such a beautiful thing because it's like really there's some kids who are better in the psychology class or in the math class or whatever, and they sit in a group together and they help each other. Right? I'm I know I think it was like two or three weeks ago, I had a coaching consult with a potential client, and she was wonderful, and she was a total match for me. I was a total match for her, and it was amazing. At the end, in my consults, I often asked, like, okay, what's coming up for you? You know, are there obstacles that you're like are coming up for you of why you would maybe not want to go for the coaching, all those kinds of things, just get everything out on the table. And I was really surprised because I thought this woman was a sure win. I was like, we're coaching, it's happening, I'm so excited. And she basically shared with me, what's coming up for me is like not the money, not the time, and but mostly that I'm really feeling a resistance in getting help. Like I can feel how upset I am with myself that I can't do this by myself, that I can't grow the part of my business I want to on my own, that I have to ask. It's like a little bit embarrassing to me to have to ask somebody else to help me in this. And I really I loved her honesty, it was amazing. You know, she's a single mom, she's like you know, definitely, you know, I and I knew where a lot of this came from. And that was a really hard piece for her. And as of now, I'm not coaching her because that really has held her back. And I have checked in with her, and she's not moving in the direction she wants to move. She's not growing the part of a business that she wants to grow because of her holding on this belief that it's embarrassing and that's shameful that she would need to get help from a coach in order to build things, in order to move. And I gotta say, we can look at each other's papers, guys. We can share projects together. That's what it is. That's literally what I feel like when I'm with my clients. I feel like they're sharing their project with me. It's their brainchild, it's their ideas, it's all those kinds of things. And I'm there soundboarding, helping them move, helping them understand and really believing in themselves and all those kinds of things. And we can do that. We can outs we can outsource in those places to get the support we need so that we actually can grow the dreams that we want to be growing and doing the things we want to be doing. Right? Self-trust and support, they can coexist together. Right? So yeah, so those are my six lessons, guys, that I want to point out and I want to gently recommend you look into them yourself and see where have they perhaps helped you, you know, when you were younger, perhaps yes, perhaps no. But where are they, are they helping you still, or are they actually preventing you growing in the direction you want to be growing? And maybe we can start looking into them and decide if we want to hold on to them or not. All right, because a lot of these lessons that I'm sharing with you here that we've learned and we picked up from school and just as a kid in general aren't all bad, right? They have a good point to them, a piece of them. But what happens is that these become rules, these become beliefs, and we hold on to them for dear life. And if we do that, then we can't find the places where, yeah, this is helpful, but also then this no, this isn't so helpful anymore. This is holding me back here. Right? They have maybe helped us survive at certain places, but they definitely are holding us back from succeeding now. And as adults, because we're grown-ups, we get to ask the questions of like, well, which lessons still serve me here, and which ones are keeping me actually very small and very unseen so I can let them go. I'm curious to know from you guys if there is anything else you want to add to that list of things that we could unlearn from school that will help us as adults, you know, grow and become even better, the next version of ourselves. And I would love actually, I don't know if you guys are all on Instagram, but if if you are, follow me, send me a DM. I would love to hear anything you want to add to the list. My handle on Instagram is Tamara Field Gersh. Just my name. Very simple. I'll put it in the show notes, but I would love for you to join me over on Instagram and DM me and be in touch. It would be so fun. And also, guys, as always, you know, as we're talking about that last piece in terms of like where we can get support and collaboration and share the project, I'm here for that 1000%. And it is like my biggest honor. Like right now, I've got my hands in all the different projects to like helping one of my clients, you know, what's it called on order, but get her her studio, her art studio that she is like so excited to to rent and be able to do her art, her art full time. And another client who's about to like be launching her very first three series workshop, and another client who is now growing and and being able to grow her capacity to take in four more clients. There's just so many amazing, wonderful things that I get to be a part of and I get to support. So if you are interested in support, no matter where you are, if you are at the very beginning, like you haven't even started your business, but you want to, or you're at the beginning of a business, or you're in the middle, or you have been in business for 10 years, but man, you would love to be able to grow this into a whole different direction. I'm here for you. I offer free consults, so you can jump on that tomorrow tomorrow, I think it's tomorrowcoaching.com slash consult and book yourself a free consult there. And there's a fun surprise happening through the month of June. If you do coaching with me, you will receive a free five-step scheduling strategy workbook in the mail. Like a hard copy in the mail of my scheduling system that rocks the world, that like puts your life in a whole different perspective and way. So that is your my present to you if you decide to do the coaching. Anyways, guys, that's all I got for you today. I love you all so much. Go on learn the hell out of whatever rules are holding you back and allow the rules that feel like they are helping you thrive and succeed, those keep around. Love you guys. I'll see you next time.