How to Access Your Inner Strength

This episode came straight out of real life.

Over the past couple of years, a lot of people have said to me, “You have so much inner strength. I don’t know how you do it.”

And living through war while raising kids, running a business, coaching clients, volunteering, and just continuing to live a normal life as much as possible has definitely made me think a lot about that.

But the truth is — inner strength isn’t something some people have and some people don’t.

It’s something we learn how to access.

In this episode I talk about what actually makes us feel stronger (and what secretly makes us feel weaker), especially when life is hard, uncertain, emotional, or overwhelming.

This isn’t just about war.

This is about business, parenting, relationships, health, grief, goals, and all the moments where life asks you to be bigger than you feel.

I share three things we need to stop doing if we want to feel stronger, and three things we can start doing to build real inner strength on purpose — even when everything feels messy.

We talk about:

• the difference between pain and victim energy
• why paying too much attention to other people’s opinions drains you
• how trying to make everyone else happy makes you lose yourself
• why choosing discomfort actually builds confidence
• how to stay grounded even when your emotions are all over the place
• and what it really means to be your own hero

If you’ve been feeling overwhelmed, stretched, or like life keeps asking more from you than you feel ready for, this episode is for you.

And if you want help applying this work in real time, I run free group coaching calls you can join here:

www.tamarcoaching.com/group

or sign up for your own (free) 1:1 coaching consult:

www.tamarcoaching.com/consult

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:13

Hey everybody. Welcome to episode 43. How to access your inner strength. Did you guys like my radio voice right there? Welcome to episode 43, but welcome back, guys. Welcome back to the podcast talking about how to access your inner strength today, which is a great topic. And I'll say, as you guys know, if you've been listening to the podcast long enough, over here in my little world, in my little community, we've been going through some crazy stuff for the past two and a half years, three years, I don't know. It's been a long time. We've been in a in in in and out of war for quite some time, in and out of bomb shelters, all the stuff, which I've spoken about many numerous times. But this is really how this particular podcast came to life, where I birthed it. Because honestly, you know, so many people have come to me over the past few years and have really said to me, you know, wow, I just, you know, I just feel like you have so much inner strength. You know, I don't know how you do it. I don't know how you keep going. I don't know how you keep coaching and running your business, raising your kids, volunteering, you know, organizing and baking, big things for you know the soldiers, fundraising, all this stuff. I don't know how you do it. And I always kind of smile when I people say that because the truth is there's no such thing as someone who just has inner strength. It's like not a thing. And there's no such thing as someone who doesn't have inner strength. That's not a thing either. Because inner strength is not something you're born with or not born with. It's something that you learn how to access and get really good at. Right? It's not something you're innately born with. So when people would say those things, it almost sounds like they think that I'm like born with it, this inner strength, how to move through, how to like not only survive a war, but thrive in a war. And it really isn't. Because thank God I came into this war with tools. I came into this war with coaching tools, mindset tools, emotional tools. And not because I knew, you know, this was coming, obviously, but but this is by the way, that's also why coaching tools are so great, because you don't know what's coming at you when. And if you got coaching tools in your pocket, you know, you are ready like over prepared more than most people on the planet. But really because I've been working on myself for years, and that's you know what we're talking about today. How to simply access your inner strength on purpose. And I'm not just talking about war today, guys. We're talking about in your business, in your parenting, in your relationships, in moments of grief and moments of uncertainty, and all the places life asks you to be bigger than you feel to really be able to access this inner strength that we have all living and brewing inside of us. I like to think of it as this like little being that's living inside of us. And depending on if we like, you know, invite it to come and be a part of this story or not, that's all dependent on us. But we all have this like inner strength that we walk around with since day one. And we have the opportunity to like, you know, really have a relationship with this inner strength that lives inside of all of us. We also have uh an invitation to play around with and be with our inner weakness, right? That's just as accessible, I think oftentimes is easier for most folks, which is why people lean towards maybe accessing their inner weakness. But today we're talking about how to access inner strength because it really does allow us just an easier way to live. It's an easier way to live. And personally, I'll just say like I like myself better when I'm accessing my inner strength. I like the results I create when I'm accessing my inner strength. I like the contribution I get to be in the world and be with my family and all those kinds of things, and be with myself when I'm accessing my inner strength. And we really can grow either the weakness or the strength. So I'm gonna start off today with three things we need to three things that we need to do to stop doing, to stop. Let me start that again. It's like a double negative, so it's a little complicated. Okay, I want to give you guys three things that we need to stop doing if we want to access our inner strength. Okay, so these are three things that we m kind of have to stop making happen in our lives in order to bring out and access our inner strength. Is that better? How is that, guys? Sorry about that little tongue tie in that moment. Yeah, so let's let's talk about that today because I think this is going to be real. I'm gonna give you three things that we need to stop and three things we need to start. Okay. So the number one thing that we want to stop doing is we want to stop feeling bad for ourselves. Oh Lord, I can't tell you how much I can lean towards this if I, you know, if I don't have control of my own thoughts and if I'm like just letting whatever my brain wants to offer, offer. This happens all the time. Right? This is like the difference between feeling pain versus like victim mentality. So, you know, an example might be, I'll tell you what has come up in the beginning of the war for me for sure, and I've I've heard this numerous times with so many people, my clients and just you know, conversations I have with folks who are also business owners and whatever. But, you know, like, you know, oh, they're so lucky, you know, when they're looking at people who are don't live here in Israel or live like just a normal regular country, like Australia, Sweden, America, whatever it is, you know, they they can be so successful and fill out their offers and book their retreats out, all those kinds of things, because they don't have to like live through this war, also. Right? So they'll oftentimes really just kind of and I and I am so guilty of this. I definitely will be like, well, she can do this because she's not living through war, and she's not having to run through bomb shelters, and she's not having to do all these kinds of things. And it really can be easy to go to this place, and it feels good in the moment. It feels like, right, right, that's why. It almost feels compassionate to yourself, but truly it's not. It really is not because it's doing what I was talking about, which is like kind of really kind of bringing out our our weakness and not tapping into the strengths that we have inside of us. Because it kind of goes into a place of like, why do I have to deal with this? Like, this is not fair, right? Either people, other people have it so much easier than I do. And if you think about it, like think about it for a moment, if you were having these thoughts, like would you actually feel motivated to get up the next day and work on what you're doing? Or would you kind of feel like, I might as well give up? I mean, this person's gonna probably take all of my clients anyway, because they're living in Australia and not having to worry about these type of things, right? It doesn't give us anything. If anything, it gives us the perfect excuse that our little brain, our little, our little sales, like to say, like we have a sleazy salesman living inside of our brains at all times, selling us things that we do not want, but we think we want, right? They're gonna sell us on this, and we're gonna be like, yeah, right? Like Felix like feels like, you know, justice, right? Like, yeah, they're they're it they can do this only because of this reason, and it's so unfair, right? But it it all it does is just push us away from what the lives that we actually want to be creating. And it's, you know, what we can do here in this moment in terms of like, so what is I so I shared with you a little bit of kind of like what the weakness, the way you would share something like, you know, yeah, it's so unfair. They, you know, only they can succeed because of these reasons. But a stronger version might sound like, this is really hard. I wish it were different than it is right now. And also I can handle this. Right? And so it's in that moment when we're kind of thinking and believing these various thoughts that I just offered to you guys now. What's happening here is that we are recognizing the pain. We're honoring the pain of what we're having to go through, whatever this is. Again, it's not just about war, but all the different kinds of things. But also not digging a hole for ourselves and not trying to make excuses for ourselves of why something is, you know, is moving in our businesses or not, or or showing up to parenting the way we want to. It's just honoring, like, I really wish it wasn't like this, but it is. And also I can handle this. And I know this is gonna make me stronger, but also this sucks. Right? Can you feel the difference between those different ideas and those different thoughts? Right? We want to look at like, you know, what is still okay in the situation, and also be honest about what feels really hard in that same kind of way.

unknown 9:04

Right?

SPEAKER_00 9:04

So like in the in the situation, like I sometimes I would maybe like tell myself to kind of make myself feel a little bit better, you know, like right now, like all all my kids are safe. And that's all I have to know. Right now, there's a siren that's not, there's no siren that's going off at all. And that's good enough for me right now. Right? Or if we're actually in the bomb shelter. I'm sorry I'm giving so much examples here about the war, but it is something that we're very much in. But of course, this is could be used for all different kinds of ways, which by the way, side note, I'm just like also appreciating that this conversation is happening right here. I feel like it's like a kind of a time capsule that when I go back, and whoever goes back in even a few years' time or even just next year, just hearing me speak from this place where we are actively in war and then just, God willing, not be, it's just an interesting thing. But, anyways, right, so we want to, we want to feel compassionate for ourselves, but we don't want to indulge in poor me. I can't believe I have to deal with this, why us kind of energy, right? Because compassion, it builds strength. But that victim energy will just drain us, completely clear us out, leave us with no energy to create what we want to be creating, or showing up as the people we want to be showing up as, the giving parent and the you know, loving partner and the you know available daughter or whatever it is, and the you know, person who just is excited about their business. It will just drain us from all of that. Okay, you guys ready for number two? We want to stop paying attention to everyone's opinions. Oh Lord. I know easier said than done. I could hear it in your I could hear it all the way from your other side where you're over there. But like it's not the same, I just want to be a little clear here, it's not the same as caring what people think. Because we will always care. We're humans, and I've had an entire podcast on this, an episode you can listen to. But your opinion has to matter the most. When you're strong, you don't let other people's thoughts run your nervous system. People always tell you how you should parent or grieve or run your business or heal or move on. I mean, especially in the country I live in, which is a very family-oriented kind of country where you will like literally you'd walk down the street with your baby, and there's like 10 people who are telling you that they're not bundled up enough or they're bundled up too much or whatever. So people will always share their opinions. And that's okay. We're not gonna try to stop them because we're not gonna be able to stop them. So we're not even gonna put any effort or energy there. But we are gonna decide on purpose that our opinions matter the most. I know I work on this specific idea probably the most out of anything with clients, where just like, you know, it really is very challenging for, you know, you guess you can mark them as people pleasers or whatever, but for folks to really disconnect with what other people think and really recognize like they get to think what they think and believe, and I get to do the same, and I get to also decide that my opinion, especially about my life, is more important, right? You know, I follow this, you know, this amazing poet. The name is Andrea Gibson. Andrea died the I think two months ago or something of I think it was ovarian cancer. Incredible poet. And Andrea's partner, Meg, I think before Andrea passed away, like the last, I guess, six months, they had recorded a documentary. They were being filmed for a film about her life, and I guess the end of her life. And after, you know, then Andrea died, the film came out, and Meg right away was on the road, basically, what's it called? What's it called when you like show the film, whatever that is, a showing, promoting, promoting, promoting and showing this particular film. I think this film actually even went to the Emmys. Is the Emmys? The movies, right? Emmys? I think so. Not the Oscars, but the Emmys, I think. Anyway, so Meg was on the road promoting, speaking on stages, all the stuff. And there were, and Meg was sharing how much people were openly sharing with her how she's grieving is incorrect and how badly they felt that she couldn't grieve in, you know, closed doors and to herself, and she had to be public and on stages in front of everybody in front of the public and all that kind of stuff. And I I this like touched me because I of exactly what we're talking about here, where she was able to kind of like draw from her inner strengths and really be able to separate what was their stuff, their opinions, their thoughts, and what was important to her. And she, you know, shared again on Instagram, I think it was, how this is a the most exact way she would want to grieve. That instead of being on, you know, in closed doors in her home by herself crying and all that kind of stuff where Andrea's name's not even spoken about, or just like she the lived memory is just with her, she gets to be on stage speaking to, you know, hundreds and thousands of people, you know, and sharing poetry and sharing this film and all these kinds of things, and that that was really important to her, and this is how she wants to grieve. And it's important for us to kind of remember that, that other people just have their own opinions. Their opinion is just an opinion, just like our opinion. And so why not believe in our own thoughts and opinions more than somebody else and trust that what we are thinking and believing is right for us, right? So we just want to let people judge, like let like let people judge you. That's what I say. Let people judge you. They're totally loud. You don't have to manage their thoughts about it. You get to say, yeah, okay, you know, and sometimes, you know, some of the stuff they say, it might even be true, right? And that I find that very powerful when I can find a place where like what they're saying is truthful, but I don't take offense to it. I don't feel like they're, you know, calling me out or anything like that. Yeah, I could see that. And then there's times when they say things and it's like, you know, I don't find that truthful. And that's okay. It's not anything on me. That's something that's something going on for them. It has nothing to do with me. I think I've shared this before, you know, that I've gotten many comments online over these past like two and a half years about me, about my country, about my nation, all these kinds of stuff. And it really does not hit me. It does not penetrate because my opinion about myself, my opinion about my people is so strong and so clear. And I think that's the real difference. All right, guys, you ready for number three? Stop taking responsibility for other people's happiness. Stop taking responsibility for other people's happiness. Yes, this leaks more energy than anything. Wanting people to be happy is totally normal. Believing you must make them happy, it's just going to leak your energy. I promise you that. And listen, I think with especially with kids, family, this happens the most. It's very hard to draw a line between like you and your kid, and you feel like I know any parent out there probably feels the same. It's like their happiness is your happiness, right? That's even like a saying, like, your happiness is my happiness. But it's actually not true. Their happiness is not your happiness. And certainly, whenever you need them to be happy in order for you to be happy, then the last thing that person wants to be is happy. I'm telling you, I've actually had this experience with a family member where they're so desperate for me to be happy. And so, like, the I first of all don't feel safe around this person and don't feel like an actually share my real emotions with them and kind of stay away from that. And it definitely makes me feel a little bit like maybe this is just me and my little like teenage, you know, but you want me to be happy? Okay, then I'm not gonna be. Maybe that's just me, but maybe that's everybody. I don't know. But when you try to keep everyone okay, you know what happens? What happens there is that you totally abandon yourself. You lose clarity, you get completely exhausted. But strength. Strength sounds like this. This is what strength sounds like. I love you. I care about you. But your emotions are yours. That's it. How you feel, that's up to you. Did you know, guys, that when you love somebody else, that you are the only one that gets to feel that love, they don't feel that love, it might trigger love inside of them, right? But there's definitely a big possibility that when you love somebody or enjoy somebody, that they would feel that same way back. But it's not guaranteed. But what is guaranteed is that when you feel love for somebody else, you're gonna feel a whole lot of love. Right? So they are separate from you. We gotta remember that. We gotta stop managing everyone else. Okay, so those are the three things that we want to stop doing. And now I want to talk a little bit about the three things that we want to start doing if we want to really access this inner strength inside of us. Okay? So number one, and you guys are not gonna like this. I'm just warning you, you're not gonna like this one. But if you want inner strength, you gotta go in. You gotta go all in, okay? Choose discomfort on purpose. Sorry, told you not gonna like it. But listen, the brain, our little brains, it's a it's wired to avoid any discomfort at all. Mental, physical, all the stuff. That's totally normal. That is not a problem. But strength grows when you choose the discomfort on purpose, intentionally. Right? Like working out when you really don't feel like it. You know, posting on Instagram or something when you're feeling like totally exposed, and oh my god, what are people gonna say? Having hard conversations with people, having a hard conversation with your best friend when you just had a fight and you want to come back and talk it out. Starting things before you feel ready. How many of us in our life how many times in our lifetime have we s not done something because we just weren't ready yet? Just not ready yet. I can't tell you how many people have told me that. Like, I want to, I'm just not ready yet. It's like, yeah, guess what? You're never gonna be ready. It's not a thing. Being ready ain't a thing. I promise you. So if you want to do anything, you just do it not ready. We gotta do that. It is like the biggest, I will tell you, that has been the number one thing for me when it comes to growing my inner strength is doing things that I am just like, I do not want to do. Like that is the hard, hard part. Right? Creating any any of the habits I've ever created in my life, anything I've done in my business, like start this podcast, even start a business to begin with when I like came from nothing, right? I was pretty much a stay-at-home mom. I'd work for other companies, things like that. It was very stretchy. Showing up online consistently every day, sharing with the whole world my opinions, my thoughts, like I'm doing right now, really challenging, completely against anything my brain was offering me. Like, my brain was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, not a good idea. Let's think of something else. And I had to grow inner strength. Like I'm on my inner strength balls and be like, I get it, but no, no, no, no, no. We are going for it. So, you know, we already are doing, I want you to like specifically, because there are so many areas in your life you're already doing this. And so I want you to start from there. I want you to recognize where in your life you're already doing this, where you're already showing up and doing something that's very hard, that's very uncomfortable, and you'd rather not do it, but you're doing it in the sake of like growing and creating something new for yourself. I want you to like list those kinds of things out. And if you think you don't have anything, you're wrong, so take some more time to think about it. And then when you're done with that, I want you to think of like one place that if you were to explore, you know, and do things that are uncomfortable to kind of get past the discomfort. What is that one area in your life that you would like go check out? And then you don't have to commit, just be curious, just start to explore and see what we would do. Okay. Number two, let it be messy. Strength does not mean calm all the time. Strength means that you don't fall apart when things feel freaking messy. Okay, so I'm gonna give you an example. It's actually just Like just happening to me. I actually went through a phase which had not happened since the beginning of my business where I was having a really hard time posting. I can't tell you why. I mean, I probably could. I mean, you know, again, we were like in a very intense part of this particular war where we were running into bomb shelters more than usual. Just things felt heavier. And a lot of other reasons, things happening. Like personally, it just felt like I just, I don't know, I just kind of went into this little cave and was like could not post and share on platforms, and I'm just, just now slowly coming back. And the thing that I like became aware of, and it was the most significant for me in this experience of like all of a sudden feeling like I just couldn't, like someone was literally like cutting off my voice, or like, you know, putting a hand over my my mouth, was that I did not judge myself for it. I was like, okay, I get it. This is going on and that is going on, and you know, and you're just, you know, you're not feeling it right now, and you're you're not not that I'm not feeling it, but like I just sh like I got it for myself. I had compassion there for myself. I understood, right? And I came up with a plan of like how I can slowly move myself in that direction. Which went from like being okay with not posting to then a a time period where I would post even if I didn't feel like a hundred percent, but just to kind of do it messy, to kind of rip that band-aid, right, until even kind of move taking those steps forward. But I did not judge myself, right? Because some days I'm gonna feel really strong, and some days I'm gonna feel really overwhelmed, and some days I'm gonna feel really clear, and some days I'm not. And that's gonna be true for all of you guys as well. So that just let the feelings move instead of judging them. And let your all your actions that you take be really imperfect. The posts that you post, you know, that's what I'm experiencing right now. Like I'm putting up some weird stuff. And I'm okay. I'll have some weird conversations with people. I'm like my energy, like whenever I feel this feeling, I get I feel my energy goes. I feel like I'm literally sleepwalking a little bit, and I'll say strange things and I'll post strange things and I'll I'm just going with it. Like I know that this is kind of the part that I have to do in order to get back to where I felt clear and confident and okay, I got this whole thing, I got this whole sharing online thing again.

unknown 24:43

Right?

SPEAKER_00 24:44

Because strength says, which is really important to know, strength says I can feel everything and still keep on going. That is strength. Okay, number three, be your own hero. I know, so cheesy. I know, so cheesy, but so true. Stop waiting for someone else to fix your freaking life. Stop waiting for your partner or your coach even, or even money, or your children, or the situation to change. Right? Stop all of that and become your own hero. Again, an example I have actually just now is I, for a very long time, really our whole married life, I guess I'd say, I was like waiting around for my husband to be on the money thing. He's got like a math mind, and he always talked to whenever we were dating, he would always talk about how he would like want to be rich when he was little, and he would like look at the stocks and all that kind of stuff. That's just not how my brain works at all. It's very not mathematical like at all. My kids laugh at me all the time. I'm totally okay with it. So I just kind of was dependent on him, but like waiting around, waiting around. And though my husband has the smarts for it, he does not have the desire for all those different details. So finally, and this is like seriously recent. This is like a month ago, maybe two. I like went out and bought this very amazing system, this budgeting thing that it teaches, like basically like budgeting for dummies. And I got it and I made like a date with him. I'm like, we're gonna sit down and we're gonna budget and we're gonna like you know, write all the kind of stuff down. Um, this is my year that I'm gonna take control of the money situation. I want to know what's going in, I want to know what's going out, you know, da-da-da-da. And I cannot tell you how much inner strength I feel like with this. I'm like finally taking control of this, and it feels so freaking good. Because we do not have to wait for other people to do this because we could be waiting forever. And that's literally how I felt about this situation. I'm like, I got it. I if I want this, I'm gonna stop complaining about it. This came up because I was complaining so much to my own coach about this, and she kept on coaching me on this, like towards like me taking responsibility, and I was kept on, I was not ready for that. Finally, I was like, Oh, I get it. This is not his problem, this is mine, because I want this. And so if I want this, I better freaking take control and I better become my own hero in this story. And that's what I'm slowly starting to do. I'm definitely not the hero yet, but but I'm going, I'm I'm definitely creating and recreating the story in the way that I want, which is amazing. So, yes, so here we go. Now we know three things that we should stop doing, three things we can start doing in order to create and build this inner strength, because every single one of you has it inside of you, 100%. And that's really what inner strength is here. Not that life will ever get easier. I it is not, guys. It's not. I'm sorry here to tell you, it's not gonna get easier. But how we hold ourselves inside of the hard things, that is what is going to make things easier. Right? You trust yourself more, you'll recover faster, you don't spiral as much, you don't lose yourself as easily. These are skills. This is not like a personality trait. These are skills that we do learn and can learn, and you can learn as well. So I hope that you learned like a lot from this particular podcast. Go back and take notes and watch how in your life, in your real life, where these come up, where you can see, oh, maybe you're, you know, here I catch myself doing the things that will kind of, you know, build and grow my inner weakness, which I don't want. Oh, and here I see myself actually doing the things that are going to grow my inner strength. This is what I want. Watch yourself, take yourself to watch yourself inside your real life to see how it goes. All right, my friends, that's what I got for all of you. And if you want help learning how to actually do all of this in real time, you know where to find me. But if you don't know where to find me, number one, you can book your own one-on-one coaching, coaching consult with me, and we'll sit down and you'll be your time, 60 minutes to really go into where you are in your life and in your business, where you want to go, and we'll talk it all out. And special bonus actually happening. I am gonna have a special bonus, I'm gonna probably announce it maybe on the next podcast, coming for those who decide to sign up for coaching after a consult. Um, I've got a really fun special bonus happening. So that's just my drop, I guess. That's my little teaser. So you'll find out about that. But also I have a group coaching call as well. So if like one on one consult is not your thing, but you want to see me coaching live, you want to see people getting coached, you can go to tomorrowcoaching.comslash group and sign up for the next group coaching call happening every month. That's it, guys. I love you so much. I'll see you next time.