Helping Your Kids Feel Their Feelings

In this episode, I’m diving into something that feels especially close to my heart — helping our kids feel their feelings.

I share how our understanding of emotional health has evolved, why negative emotions aren’t something to fix or avoid, and how thoughts, feelings, and the body work together.

You’ll hear real-life parenting stories, simple tools for younger kids and teens, and gentle guidance on how to support your children through fear, disappointment, and big emotions — while also learning how to stay grounded yourself.

This episode is an invitation to slow down, trust the process, and remember that feeling deeply is not a problem — it’s part of being human.

To book a free consult with me:

https://www.tamarcoaching.com/consult

To join my next free monthly group coaching call:

https://www.tamarcoaching.com/group

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:13

Hey y'all, welcome back. Brave Little Things. Love having you here. Love having this time here. Welcome back. I hope you guys are having a great day over there wherever you are. I am having a really particularly there's lots of things, but I'll tell you one thing that I'm really excited about. Right before I sat down to record this episode for you, I just booked my photographer, my DJ, my food, and my venue for this awesome event that I am going to be hosting. It's for women in business here in Israel. It's going to be a national event. We're going to be running a networking event, but with a twist. It's going to be a dance party networking event. Because I don't know about you guys, but I've been to way too many networking events where you gotta give your 60-second pitch and you gotta feel really awkward and what should you wear? And oh my gosh, are people gonna buy and I'm gonna try to sell and all the stuff, all the shit that I freaking hate. Yeah, so I'm like taking all that out and making it something that's like super uber fun. So if you are a women in business here in Israel, today actually, the uh when this episode goes live, we'll be in like the second or third day of registration for this, and it's the the first week, March, uh I I believe it is February 1st to February 8th. If you book, you will get the early bird deal. So just DM DM me, email me, be in touch with me, and I'll send you the link, and you could register for this, and it's gonna be fantastic, and it's gonna be limited, so you definitely want to jump in. I think it's gonna be the space kind of holds about 60 women total. So jump in, it's gonna be so fun. I'm beyond excited. It kind of represents like everything I do in my own personal business. You know, it's like I just help women in business like have as much fun as they do in their own craft, their own healing art, whatever they do that they love so much that they're like wanting to bring into the world, I teach them how to do that in their own businesses. So like it's this whole thing, they're just having a freaking fantastic time. So that's what we're gonna have. All right, so this episode is a little different. It was I was not planning this episode, to be honest, but man, is it just coming through me? It is just coming through. So, you know, I'm kind of recording it on a whim with very few notes, mostly just kind of freestyling with like some notes here and there for sure, but mostly because this topic feels really alive in my heart right now. So it might be a little clunkier than usual, a little bit of, you know, I don't know, stop, go, we'll see what happens, but it's just really alive for me right now. So I'm kind of sharing it with you guys because, you know, this week has been a real emotional week for my family. And mostly a really good way. Each of my kids has something big happening, some kind of big, courageous move they've made in their life or they're making in their life. My older daughter, you know, is taking her driving test, which she worked so hard for, including paid for the whole thing. I don't know in other countries, but you know, here in Israel, you have to pay people to teach your kid how to drive with lessons. They're very expensive. And then the test itself is very expensive, and most people fail. Like most, I know like I've had nieces and nephews who've had to take it literally seven times, and that's like typical at each time you pay. So she not only like took these and and signed up for these lessons, she actually found her teacher. Like, I had nothing to do with it, and she paid for the whole thing. She worked her ass off. So that's been going on for my older daughter. Um, my son is actually, as I record this, well, he has been training for a year and a half to get into one of the elite units in the army. And right now, as I'm recording this, he is in. I just it's so crazy, like when our kids are like not with us and to think what a different world they are. Like, I'm in my cozy office talking to you guys, and he right now is like getting his ass kicked, basically. Just nicely said to for these tryouts right now. So he's there right now putting out a little prayer for him. You guys can do the same as I record this. And you know, my little guy had his first big basketball game this week, and my younger daughter has got the you know, is planning for her birthday that's coming up soon and trying to figure out all the different pieces of who you know she wants to invite for this part. You know, she's gonna be 14, so they're older, they kind of do their own planning, which is so good, but you know, doesn't want to leave certain friends out, and there's already friend drama, so there's just like and then also just big things happening in both mine and my husband's businesses. So it's like I'm all I'm walking and talking a bag of emotions this week, guys. And while I'm managing my own feelings, I'm like actively helping my kids move through theirs. And that's really what made me want to record this podcast because I'm imagining that you guys all are having the same experiences that there's gonna be there's so many times when we, you know, want to help our kids move through and and feel their feelings, right? Whether they be hard, most of the time they're talking about hard emotions, and we're talking about that. And so I felt like, you know, I'm I'm in it right now. Like let me let me share what in it is like and what I've been doing to help me while I'm in it, and while I can help my kids and can help your kids. And I don't usually, this is definitely a little bit of a different p podcast because I don't usually, you know, don't really share. I'm not a parenting coach. I'm not gonna share specific like parenting tips, but I, you know, but we all know that like but I am a parent and I am an entrepreneur and I and those things are like one, right? So I think it's a good idea for me to kind of drop podcasts here and there for all the parents out there to really kind of use these tips to help themselves, right? So I want to start by kind of zooming out for a second, because there's you know, there's so much information that we have now that we simply didn't have when we were kids. I think a really good example is smoking. I think smoking is like a perfect example. There wasn't a there was actually a time that you could smoke on an airplane. Isn't it insane, you guys? Maybe some of my listeners are like, yeah, I remember it. I was there. Like I I remember that. I can't I've never seen myself seeing someone smoking an airplane, but there was a time, and not so long ago. I think that it kind of closed out in the late eight 1980s, 1990s. Like there's actual there were actual ashtrays in the arm seats kind of normal. Like that's how that's how much they smoked, which is insane. In fact, I think that you can still see ashtrays in the bathrooms next time you're in a play and check. But I'm pretty sure there are ashtrays in the bathroom for that reason. So, you know, they're just like secondhand smoke wasn't seen as harmful. Like people, there was no warning labels, you know. All every time you buy a pack of cigarettes, there's this massive label. Like it used to be that there wasn't that. There wasn't that label. And now look where we are, right? We're in a totally different kind of place. We've learned lots of information. We've learned about lung cancer and all the different kinds of harms that smoking can bring. And you know, the same thing has happened with food, right? The food pyramid has totally changed, like literally like flipped over. I'm not even sure if we have a food pyramid anymore, but it used to be, right, or the bottom where the most amount of that they're saying that we should be, you know, I forgot how many servings, but like pasta, breads, you know, grains, those kinds of things. Those should have been like our the most amount that we eat, right? And now it's like flipped to like proteins and all those kinds of things. And exercise has changed, you know. Think about CrossFit. You know, it's such a particular kind of workout, and it's all over the countries, every country, it's like all over the world. But that's not how my mom was working out, right? She was like a little Jane Fonda in her living room. So so many things have evolved, and those are the gifts, you know, really from past generation, sorry, past generations, you know, from all their research that they've done, all the discoveries that they've made, all the learning that they've had. They worked hard for that and they kind of gave us over that information. And I r but you know, what was not happening was really the mental health. Like there's so much focus on the physical health, but not really the mental health. And I really feel like the work of our generation is learning big new things about mental health and how we manage our emotions and all those kinds of things. And I I feel really honored to be a big part of that, right? Like my work. I'm constantly studying mental health. I mean, this is my work. This has been my work even before coach, because I was, you know, a therapist and I worked with pregnant teenage moms and all different kinds of ways. But but we're here learning about mindset, about our thoughts, about how our minds work, right? How emotions live in our bodies. We're learning about somatic work and breath work and nervous system regulation. Like I could say these words, and you guys will all know what I'm talking about, at least most people. Where, you know, a few years ago, people I would not be able to do that, right? They people most people would not know unless they were studying it, unless they were this is their profession. And I mean, listen, for sure, like I think we've also taken it over overboard, including me, I'm including myself in this, right? Sometimes we can like, you know, how many ice baths and journal, you know, thought dumps, you know, and yoga classes can we take before we sit down and like do work, right? For sure. We're definitely, I think, also have gone and gone a little over the top here. But I love that this information is in the world. I love that we're starting to really think about it and really see how we can, you know, really get a hold on our mental health because it's such a significant part of our lives. And there's also something really beautiful about how much attention we give to it. And I believe that if kids were taught about emotional health in school, which is so insane to me that it this that there's not a class, but there's like a million other classes, but not about like how to emotionally, you know, how to like feel your feelings. Like that's not a class. It it blows my mind. But I believe that if we had that, right, the world would be dramatically changed. Like if if if people were able to handle their emotions, know how to like live with them, know how to live with these like double brain action that we've got, the primitive brain and then the human brain. And we're not there yet, right? But we're learning. We're learning a lot about things. And and then we get to teach our kids, and they get to be in a different place than we are, which is such a beautiful thing. So I'm going to share a lot today, and I really want to like be clear that you know your kids better than I do. You know their language, you know what they understand, you know what lands and what doesn't, you know, what's giving them too much information, what's giving them too little of information. So take what works and leave what doesn't. You have to make it completely your own because you want to match what works for you and your family. I'm going to be sharing things that work well for younger kids, like ages, you know, four or five, and also for older kids and teens and even younger adults. So, all right, you guys ready? I think we should talk about feelings and how they actually work. And the truth is, before I even dive into like how can we help our kids, I want us just to get some like foundation here to kind of get us all on the same page, because you know, before we can help our kids, we've got to help ourselves, right? Like that's how it works, especially with kids, because they know they're like aw, they're kind of like she's teaching me something, but she doesn't even really know it herself because I've never seen her do it. So let's get on let's get on the same page and and get into some more information here. Okay, most of the time, thoughts create our feelings, and I'm saying most only because hormones matter, chemical stuff matters, and sometimes it truly feels like our mind has a mind of its own. Because I think there are set times when that is true. But for 90% of the time, our thoughts create our feelings, right? They are circumstances. I'm gonna give you a quick 101 that I teach all my clients. This is very quickly. There are circumstances that happen in our lives. That is something outside of us we cannot control. Okay, and they also are completely neutral, like 100% neutral. So for example, my son being right now out there training in the army, I could have I could have lots of thoughts about that, right? But the circumstance of him doing it right now is like not good, not bad, not scary, not fantastic, not anything, completely neutral. It's when we put our thoughts, we have a thought about it where it kind of comes alive with an emotional experience because when we have a thought, then we trigger an emotion in our bodies, then we have an emotional experience. And those emotions will fuel whatever actions we take or don't take and then create our results. So that is a very quick 101. But but yeah, so it's important for us to know like what's going on in our minds. And so, you know, like I was saying, like generally speaking, that that that the thoughts will create the feelings, and the point of this work is not to not feel negative emotions. Oh my gosh, no. Negative emotions were created just like everything else, just like the freaking sun, just like the mango and mango trees, just like the oceans, the moon, the zebra, like you name it, it's been created. The negative emotions are meant to be there. They exist for a reason. And the goal is to never is isn't to never feel fear or disappointment or grief, but the goal is just simply to like recognize that we always have a choice, no matter what. So sometimes we're going to choose to feel disappointed or pissed off because that makes sense. And there's and there's no reason not to, right? That's kind of where we want to be right now, even though it feels like crap. And sometimes we'll choose something else, right? But the emotion itself is not the problem. And, you know, again, just to clarify what I mean when I say feelings, I'm not talking about hunger or being cold, obviously. Right? If your kid is cold, you give them a sweater. If they're hungry, you feed them, right? Those are body needs. We're talking about emotional needs, emotional experiences like fear and disappointment and grief and excitement and joy and you know, those kinds of feelings. That's what we're talking about today. And once you understand that difference, it helps you not to panic so quickly, right? And to be able to be there for your kid in that kind of way. And and the thing is that, like, you know, so many people will treat negative emotions like emergencies that have to be put out immediately. I think a lot of people will treat that for themselves like that way, and they'll treat it and also then what comes up with their kids. But it's not a sickness. They are not indicators that something has gone terribly wrong, even though it can absolutely feel like that. Our body is feeling that way, right? Which is why we are like, quick, we have to end this, right? I'm like freaked out about a workshop I want to run, like it I have to end, I gotta put an end to this. I didn't do well on something and I'm feeling disappointed or embarrassed, like I gotta I gotta like find a hose and like put it out. No, so often we oftentimes we think like I feel this bad and something must be wrong, but most of the time that's not even true. In fact, I'd say, you know, 99.9%, because I don't ever want to say 100%, but it just me actually what it means is that something matters. That something matters. Us feeling these negative emotions means that we have somehow put ourselves on the line in a good way, right? If you've fallen in love and that someone breaks your heart, right, that could those hard emotions come up. You worked really hard for something, you wanted and you didn't get it, those hard emotions are gonna come up. You went for that driving test, like my daughter did, and God forbid, but let's say she fails and she'll have to do it again, right? Hard emotions are gonna come up. You have you have that hard conversation with someone you deeply love and you kind of had in your mind that's gonna go a particular way and it didn't, they did not receive it well at all, like emotions are gonna come up. And it's important, you know, that negative thoughts, that we know that negative thoughts are not instructions. Right? And I mean that because specifically, just because a thought shows up doesn't mean we need to act on it. Because we have over 70,000 thoughts that come into our minds daily, you guys, daily. And most of the time we take those thoughts and we run with them. We go with them. Right? I'm never gonna be able to to I'm never gonna be able to do this. Right? And then we just like have this like, you know, we if we f let's say for ex for example, we failed something, we didn't do we didn't get something we wanted, and the thought being like, you know, and then we have these like the negative thought being, you know, the negative emotion or feeling is like disappointment and frustration. And the negative thought is like, I'm never gonna be able to do this, I'm not gonna accomplish this, I'm not good enough for this, whatever that is. And then we when I say take instructions, like that it's an instruction, it's like, okay, so then I'm never gonna even try. Like, what's the point? That's what happens, right? My daughter feeling fear before her driving test doesn't mean she should like cancel her getting getting her license or feeling disappointed if she fails, doesn't mean she shouldn't make a new appointment for a new test and go for it again. But so many of us will treat it that way and be out the second a disappointment or frustrat a frustration result comes our way. Right? I have to say, I've like learned already so much from my son. And I don't want to share too many details because it's his details, but you know, I sharing that right now as we as I record this, he's in this mm this huge, crazy, I mean, I only we've hear from like other kids that come back from it, including my nieces and nephews, but this crazy intensive test for getting into the elite unit. He actually was scheduled a few days ago, the beginning of the week, to go and do this. And he, you know, all the preparation, again, we've a year and a half of working hard to like crazy workouts, and he would be, you know, working out in the rain and at like midnight, and he'd go to the sand dunes to do the special workouts a couple times a week, where he'd be there for like three hours, because that's like the major part of the test, all this different stuff. And so then the day of the test, you know, all of us like no one could really sleep. We woke up at five in the morning to take him there. He's all packed, he's all ready, da-da-da-da. And it's like, I guess, like almost two hours down south. And then we get a call, like, you know, within an hour that he was there, that they are sending him back because one of his blood tests came back a little irregular with something. And he couldn't do it. He couldn't freaking do it. And so I was going through my own emotional experience. My husband's going through his own emotions, and my son, because we were like also not together yet, because he was still down there and he was gonna take a train back and everything. And I'll just say, when he walked in the door, I was like blown freaking away. He had uh already processed his emotions. I mean, listen, the guy is a son of a life coach, so he he knows how to do those things. And he was then able to, okay, well, I'm gonna go on, I'm gonna go on Thursday, which is two days later. I'm just gonna, you know, go get the test again and get a doctor's note as well, say, like, I'm good, I'm fine, and I'm just gonna go again, you know. And you know, then he even went to a place where I didn't did not expect. him to go, he was like, you know, I really feel like this was for a reason. And he kind of gives all the different reasons of why today maybe would have not have been the day and now it's going to be and whatever. And he just like freaking processed his emotions. And then he was able to like get a thought that felt much better to him, that benefited him much more. It was able to move him forward, right? And it was a it was such a honor to watch the whole experience. I was so blown away. Right? Because he wasn't taking his negative emotions as instructions. He wasn't be like, okay, no, deep disappointment. Shouldn't do this again. I'm done. I'm out. No, he was like, okay, I'm going to figure this out. I'm going to now it just means this is part of the journey. And he did that, which was incredible. So I mean that's it, listen, we can use our feelings, you know, also like the feelings that we're feeling is just simply information for us. Right. And we'll explain what that means. Like I'm talking about like the negative thoughts aren't instructions, but feelings can be information for us. They're information letting us know what our body is experiencing based on the thoughts moving through. So like thoughts like, oh interesting. I'm feeling a lot of fear right now. If I had to guess the main thing I'm feeling afraid about, what would be my guess? Right? Or something like, oh, there's there's a lot of disappointment here. Where does disappointment usually show up in my body? Okay, a little bit of my chest, maybe in my shoulders, right? Getting just getting like really clear about like what it feels like, where where does it show up? Because like once we start to like name it and then get curious about it, the curiosity the curiosity alone creates a space between us and it. We kind of feel like we're not we're not the emotion. We're not the emotional experience that we're feeling right we're now kind of like created this suspension like looking watching it and we're separate from it which in itself brings a like a an immense amount of relief. Not complete. You don't completely feel like okay now I'm good but you feel this relief in separating yourself from the emotion itself. Right? And I want to say like emotions are very powerful. Right? They're incredibly powerful and we should take them very seriously. Right? And what is also powerful is how clearly our minds and our bodies are connected. It's crazy. They are like a total team. And I think for so long again I think this is something that our parents generation and the generations before did not totally understand how connected our bodies and our minds are. And I think that's something that we have discovered right with all the somatic work that we bring into you know that's in our world now with breath work and yoga and you know just like somatic movement, all that kind of stuff. You know, I I remember one time when my son was younger and he we have this wall outside of our house like it goes all the way around and he like used to love to walk on that wall. And one time he fell and he fell in his arm and he came inside the house and he was bleeding like pretty badly from his arm and I think his knee also. And my daughter came into the kitchen the same time she saw it and she immediately ran to the bathroom to throw up her mind was like danger her body was like instantly like reacted. That's how connected we are right and maybe sometimes it wouldn't feel maybe you wouldn't do something so dramatic as throwing up but you would definitely like maybe have some kind of queasiness or something. Your mind sees something it interprets something and then your body feels it. You know which is why somatic work matters so much. I coach so I by the way I coach so many somatic healers. I have so many somatic healers in my networking groups I'm surrounded by this work all the time. I myself am also learning about it because the bind the mind and the body connection is real and it's important for us to know it. And negative emotions feel terrible and they feel they they and they live in the body and most people wouldn't wish a negative emotion on their enemy. That's how terrible it feels it literally feels like you know when we were like in survival mode and we had to like you know run from a bear or something like that. They don't feel good they like physically do not feel good. You know just this week I'd open up my WhatsApp group we do a like a once a week share and check-ins and connection. It's for women entrepreneurs and there was one of women one woman actually she was a client of mine who so bravely put together this birthing conference here in Israel and she'd been working on it for a while. We had worked on it in sessions together and she did it and she had written in the group like I forgot her exact words but something were like can anybody help me because I'm like hurting I've had like so much talking so much presenting so many doing so many like brave things today and like I hurt and she was like really just trying to like ask like can someone like relieve this hurt this pain this hardness that I'm feeling right now like post all of this you know sharing and running a conference and all the stuff and I commented back to her and I was like yeah like doing brave things hurts it's hard hurt right and hard hurt isn't wrong but it's good right there's like literally no relief here. Like you're going to be doing hard things when you like put yourself on the line and it's you know and it's a it's uncomfortable and we want the relief from it right which is why we're like constantly like you know saying things like that like like my my client and this fellow networker had said in on the in the group but it's like it means that you're participating in life. And like yes please like please keep on bringing that on even if it means that it's going to hurt and that it's going to be hard. Actually love the way she used hurt. I've never heard it like that and I was like yeah it totally it's like a hurt feeling like you're just kind of hurting all over the place. But that means you're participating in life and yeah let's let's do that. Let's do more of that. Even even though your primitive brain will fight you on that left and right. So okay so listen like what do hard emotions usually feel like let's like break it down because the more we get clear about it more we're aware of it the better off we will all be and we'll it will seem simple to us and not this like mysterious thing. Right? Because they're actually not it's actually not mysterious. They often feel like it's a little harder to breathe and your mind is usually racing and it's harder to be present and you know maybe there's specific like symptoms quote unquote that you have that you can add to the list but that's usually it and you know I explained this to my daughter also the night before her driving test. I was like listen you know yes you're you know it it you're you're when you sit down in that seat to drive you're probably gonna your heart's gonna probably be racing. It might be a you might take a moment to heart like not be present. You know I think I shared with you guys when I one of my coaching calls that I did my group coaching call I think the first one I like went you know blank when I sat down at the screen even though it was like totally ready totally prepared and I just completely went blank right and I said best case scenario you pass amazing right worst and and also best case scenario you pass and amazing and also you do feel those feelings right because before leading up to it you're gonna feel those feelings. Worst case scenarios you feel those feelings and you don't pass. And you feel also on top of that disappointed or frustrated for a little bit for a little while it doesn't last long and that's it. You're not ruined and then and then when you're ready you get to then book your next test. That's the worst case scenario. And I sit there I was like is that that bad? Because you're gonna be like I have to pass I have to pass I have to pass. I was like yes and God willing you will but also just like let's take a moment to look look at the worst case scenario you know which is like not usually what you think that like a life coach mom would say but it's important for us to go there because in our minds it's like the worst but then when we say it out loud it's like oh I could deal with that if I had to right okay so now before we're helping our kids with this with all of these things because we are going to jump into it I just need to give the you know a little bit of information there's one more thing that's really important to note which is the hardest work of all of this is going to be being okay with your kids having negative hard emotions right the only thing that's harder than feeling pain ourselves is watching our children feel pain. Man that shit is hard I will tell you from even my my week this week it is not easy. It's like another level and if you're a mom or dad or caregiver out there you know exactly what I'm talking about. It's like okay if I had to deal with my own negative emotions it sucks but okay but then your kids watching your kids go through it something that's like literally you know like your heart with legs walking all over the place having this hard emotions it's really really hard but the bottom line is that they are going to make it through just like you are we obviously you know this. We can't protect them right and those feelings will make them more human will grow them into the person they want to grow into they make them feel alive just like they make us feel alive. It's just part of the shared human experience it's just part of the deal and so it's like just like I want you to feel hard emotions because I believe that they will grow you that you that literally you need it. It's part of the recipe to grow into your next version it's the same with our kids you know one thing I often do share with my kids that I have these feelings too. I will share that with them right and I will share stories even maybe even specifically like from their age you know not to obviously make it about me but so they know that they're not alone that this is totally normal. There's nothing weird about this because it's an important piece right and it allows also when I tell a personal story to them and specifically even having to do with like like when I was 17 also or when I was 12 then it reminds me right I've survived and you're gonna do right it reminds me like okay and I can let go because they're gonna be okay because I was okay right and you know in those moments when I'm like with my kid if they're crying and I'm saying this also for you like if you're if they're crying like don't say that this like let them cry. And I often tell my kids I'm like ah good for you you know how few people will let it out like that like keep on crying it's real I don't I won't teach in that moment. I won't explain anything I will just sit with them and I'll say yes yes yeah cry it's so good so few people are let themselves cry good for you I often sometimes say like I'm so jealous that you can cry because sometimes I feel like I'm like I feel like not that I'm holding it in but there's just sometimes I can watch someone else and cry and it's such a relief and release that I I don't have because I I'm just not a huge crier personally. But and then and I just want to say like it only after they kind of only after they reach the other side of these emotions and they if they're crying going through that whole piece then I will bring in some like lightness and playfulness and maybe a joke. I mean that's just kind of my personality so you have to do it in your style you know and then we're kind of ready for some talking right that's kind of when we start to jump in. So here we go guys right here's again it was really important for you guys to kind of understand emotions first and how to handle your own emotions and how to handle them having emotions before we kind of get into how we do this. Here's the flow that I usually flow with when I'm helping my kids feel their feelings okay first I either give a little background about what's happening in their brain while I'm like just sitting with them. Okay so for younger kids I might explain it like there's a little little kind of animal rascal in their brain I kind I kind of the way I picture it's kind of like have you seen the movie Ratatouille, you know that little mouse he's a little mouse chef and he's sits on the top of this chef's hat and he directs him different places, you know, to like go get the salt, go get the pepper and he helps make like the most amazing food. So it's kind of like I'll explain to like the and if when if they're younger that's like a ratatouille that's like either on top of your head or in your head and he's directing you in different places. Like that's kind of what's happening. And for older kids I'll explain that our how exactly how our brains are are wired and built for survival. You know I'll go into the details of like when we were like hunters and gatherers and we literally were like in caves and needing to watch out for you know other tribes trying to come in and attack and take over we need to find water holes to drink with clean water and food to hunt and all those kinds of things that's literally what we're walking around with every day. And that's why we have these kinds of experiences. And that's why we have the thoughts that we have so I'll kind of really just like explain it. Like it's not just coming out of nowhere. There are reasons of why our brain our brains are offering these thoughts and why we're having these negative experiences, negative emotions. And then we'll, you know, so for once they kind of understand that and then I'll take questions and let them you know anytime I give information by their okay great is there what any questions coming up for you so that I can explain if nothing makes sense I'm like here for it. And then we name the emotion that they're experiencing. So the little ones I'll sometimes like name help name it for them in terms of like you know you seem really sad or you seem disappointed is that right is that kind of what you'd explain it as and let and I'll let them guide me through it. Sometimes I'll do that for older kids too. I think in general it's really hard I'll I even see with my clients that when I'll say like you know how are you feeling about that or what's the emotion that came up that many people can't name emotions that it's really a a challenge for them. So sometimes I'll kind of give it to them and ask for their guidance. You know and if naming it is hard also describing it is a beautiful way to do it. Like does it feel heavy blobby gooey if it had a color what would it look like sometimes drawing it helps especially the younger kids you know we just kind of get really clear like what is this emotion again? It helps us kind of you know take it like separate ourselves from it so we can have a little bit of a oof okay moment and we can start to understand a little bit and become aware of like the details of it. And then the next thing we will bring it into the body how does it feel when it's in your body right and well like where does it show up in your body? How does it feel a tightening or loosening? Is it hot? Is it cold? You know the same it it does the same trick as like naming the emotion. And then I'll ask them like do you want to do a little shaking a little moving you know that's for my big kids they are like usually like no like crazy lady no not happening but my g my little guy will go for it sometimes but for my teens I'll be like you know what you should like go to the Pilates class or you should go for a run. It will feel so good. Go to the beach go for a run you know because emotions live in the body and there's vibrations there. We want to match it right often the best way to move through it is to join it not to push against it or try to ignore it or try to resist it. That's what we mostly do. We try to resist it but when we move our body we are joining it we're like okay all right you want to feel crazy let's go let's go for a crazy run right it really is significant. And I will say that this almost always helps them calm down. They're no longer completely inside the emotion they're watching instead of like drowning inside of it. And that distance alone is a huge relief. And then after that one things once like things are settled more, we explore the thoughts only when it really when they're a little bit settled because when they're not they're just not there. But we'll start to explore the thoughts when they're kind of a little bit down you know and I'll ask them like well what were you scared of exactly? What what are you worried might happen? What are you disappointed about because sometimes we just feel like oh we you know it's oh we sh it's a fact like I should be disappointed because of this or I should be worried because of this. But everybody has a different reason and we want to explore like what's coming up for you there.

unknown: 37:28

Right?

SPEAKER_00: 37:28

And I offer a different perspective not to dismiss but as someone who's lived more life I'll offer a different pers perspective to them like reminding my daughter like worst case scenario girl like you take that test again you know how many times people have had to take a you know a driving test like 10 times like hopefully that's not gonna be your case right that could that could freak her out I did not say 10 just for the record but I'll remind like give a little perspective to the whole thing because oftentimes when we're in it it's like tunnel vision and we just don't have perspective and you know just a reminder that so many people do these things. They go through this and they they go on to live beautiful wonderful gorgeous lives and just kind of opening up this like wider lens for kids is such a big deal because they really can be in like they can be like tunnel vision and that's like really the wrap up right the feelings suck sometimes they don't feel good but they're absolutely okay and they are a information that you're doing brave things and that you're stepping out of your comfort zone and you're really growing and all of that is so important because it is a real need of ours. We want to contribute we want to grow we want to like see what else do we have inside and so these negative and harder emotions are are letting us know that that's like what's happening and everyone goes through this. You are not alone in this right and I just kind of really create a space for them to like ask those questions to think on their own about thoughts and emotions and what kind of tools they can use in order to kind of like help bring them back into their bodies. And that's what I usually do. And I hope I know this was kind of a lengthy almost masterclass but I did want to give you guys background information so you knew so you can kind of get clear with yourself how to handle your own emotions before you kind of go in and help them go through hard heart emotions and and then kind of really give the details of like what I do step by step with my own children so that you can also use some of these steps if they resonate with you and they feel like something that your kids could also connect to. I will say you know sometimes you don't know their limits like for example when I was talking to my daughter and it was before her test and I said like I'm like another thing that I like to do and I'm like I know this is going to sound a little crazy but I will go for long walks and usually the beach and I will speak to my fear and I will say you know and I start to tell her what I say and she's like she's like what no she like was not open to that conversation. So like okay I think I'm like okay give you enough information I will stop there so you don't think I'm totally crazy and you don't connect to it fine.

unknown: 40:12

So you

SPEAKER_00: 40:13

Want to kind of give them what they can what they can take. And I'll say the last thing for myself. I just did this today because again, my son's in this intensive training thing. And I've mentioned this on the podcast before. And if you know me, you know that this is something I do. But I will start my day with creating a to-do list of everything that's on my human to-do list. Right. So for example, for this morning it was to wake up at five to drive him to the train and and send him, send him off, to come back and make lunches for my other kids and drive them to school, to write and record this podcast for you guys, to coach my clients, to just love on my kid and pray that he's gonna get he's it's gonna he's gonna have the strength and the power to power through. And then I wrote a to-do list for God and everything that's on God's to-do list, things that are not in my control, right? That He that God please in in God is just a loose word, you can use universe, uh, guardian, whatever you want. And I created a list of like what I would want, I want, I'm asking, you know, God to do for you know for my son. And it literally was like a 50% relief of anxiety and holding on that I just like gave over to something that is completely outside of me that is a bigger force, a more powerful force, and it really is amazing. So, all right, guys. Well, that's it. But I want to say if you don't have a life and business coach coach yet, I would truly be honored to do this work with you. I think that everybody should have a life and business coach. I have a couple myself, and I can help you take your life and business to the next level, to a deeper place, to be filled with lots of meaning and lots of playfulness. And there are two great ways to explore this with me, okay? One is my free group coaching call that happens monthly, and I will put the show in the show notes a link to the next coming call. So if that speaks to you, you can jump on and register for the next call. And the second one is booking your own one-on-one consult. If group coaching is not your thing and you want to explore working together one-on-one, then booking yourself a one-on-one consult with me. Also, both of these are free of charge. That is a great way to do it, and I will also put that into the show notes. Okay. All right, guys, go out and practice this. Practice this first on yourself and then help lead your kids to feeling their feelings because the more human beings that are feeling their feelings in this world, man, it would be a much better place. I will tell you that. I love you guys all so much. Have a beautiful day. See ya next time.