What Do You Do When You’re Really (Really) Nervous

What do you do when you’re really, really nervous?

Not “a little uncomfortable.” Not “kind of unsure.”

But heart-racing, mind-blank, sweaty-palms, what-am-I-doing nervous.

In this episode, I’m talking honestly about what’s actually happening in your body when fear shows up — and why it doesn’t mean anything has gone wrong. I share what I’ve been learning from running my monthly group coaching calls (including a moment I thought I totally flopped), why our primitive brains freak out when we step into leadership or visibility, and the simple mindset shifts that help you keep moving anyway.

We talk about:

• Why your nervous system treats visibility like danger
• How to work with fear instead of trying to get rid of it
• Why saying “I’m nervous” out loud actually helps
• How shifting from “me” to mission makes showing up easier
• And why doing scary things — even messy, imperfectly — is how we grow, create, and contribute more fully to the world

If you’ve been wanting to go bigger, be braver, speak up, create something new, or just live more fully… but your fear keeps getting in the way — this one is for you.

And yes, I’ll also invite you to join me in my monthly group coaching call, where I’m doing this work right alongside you (nervous and all).

Let’s go be nervous… and do amazing things anyway.

Free Group Coaching Call Link:

www.tamarcoaching.com/group

Free 1:1 Coaching Consult with Tamar:

www.tamarcoaching.com/consult 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:13

Hey my brave people. Welcome back to the podcast. So happy to have you here. Just by the way, I want to give a heads up. If you hear anything in the background, those are my kids. At the time of recording, I am single mama ingot while my husband is out on an adventure for the next nine days. So this is me getting things done with my kids. Which by the way, I am really having fun with because, you know, I used to do this when they were little and there was no getting anything done with them. But now I can like even have some one of them be making dinner while I'm like recording a podcast, and the other one driving and picking up one of them at Plati's class or a basketball thing or whatever. So it's really fun. But if you do hear things in the background, that's just my kiddos because I'm a mom. So also a little bit before we jump in, I want to just give you a little behind-the-scenes sneak peek of something I'm working on that I'm really just working on it now. So I'm just telling you a little bit of detail so you can kind of hear a little bit of what's going on. It's basically I'm brewing up a in-person networking dance party. And it's going to involve a dome and an amazing DJ and really good food and really good dancing and really good, amazing women. It's going to be a national event. Usually I run just local, but this is going to be open to all women of Israel. So if you are an Israeli entrepreneur woman, um, this is your heads up. I'm thinking about doing it International Women's Day, but I will give all the details. This literally dropped down yesterday. And I just can't keep it in. I want to share it with you guys. So if you are an entrepreneur woman here in Israel, get ready for probably the best networking of your life. And that is a promise. So let's go. All right, let's jump in, guys. Let's do a little bit of a little bit of chat chat because, you know, we're talking about some stuff today that I think is going to be, I mean, first of all, I can't believe it took me so long to talk about it on like brave little things podcast, because I mean this is so significant, plays such a huge role when we're talking about bravery, you know, because with bravery comes all the nerves and anxiousness and all the things, you know, like what do we do when we're really, really, really freaking nervous? And this has this topic has been really coming up for me personally lately, which is well, I was like, you know what, I need to record a podcast because I've been running these monthly free group coaching calls, and they're new for me, right? I'm learning how to market them, how to talk about them, who I want to bring in. I'm learning how to coach in a group setting because up until now my work has really been mostly one-on-one, and it's a whole different kind of coaching style. And if I'm gonna be honest with you, the nerves that come up the day of these calls like have really surprised me. They're much bigger than I thought. Because truthfully, I'm not really a nervous person. You know, I really I don't usually get nervous so much. I mean, I get nervous for sure, but I'm getting I get really nervous before these calls. And I've noticed that each month it's getting less and less for sure, which makes sense. Like I think I started them in October, so I've done about four, five, about to jump into my fifth, I think. But still the day of the call, I feel it in my body. I feel it. It like takes over my day so much that I literally make room for it in my calendar. I'm like, I know that I'm not gonna be totally myself. So I kind of make space for it. But I do things like I snap at my kids more easily. I can't focus on like making dinner. Like remember my kid, just this last one was like, you know, are we having dinner? Like, are you gonna make dinner? And I'm like, I can't. I have a coaching call, you know. He's like, what time? I'm like, eight. He's like, okay, but it's like four. But I can't make dinner. You know, I just like it, it really just comes up for me. Really, like lots of nerves, lots of anxiety, all the sensations come up. And I really want to talk about this today because, you know, this is everything I know that all entrepreneurs go through. And definitely most all humans for sure, but entrepreneurs in particular, because we really put ourselves in quote unquote harm's way a lot. We do scary, hard things that can bring up these the sensation of nervousness and anxiousness. It's an important topic, you know. We don't, you know, if we can get ourselves like off the couch, out of the comfortable bubble, and do things that make us really nervous, that's how we grow. And that's how we build businesses, and that's how we expand our contribution in the world. And this really does show up everywhere. It shows up if you're, you know, getting up on a stage or you're running a workshop or webinar for the first time, or you're creating a new offer, or charging prices you've never charged before, and it's the first time that you're like, you know, someone asks you how much you charge and you say it, you know, showing up even online in a new kind of way. And even things that have nothing to do with business, like going on a first date, or sharing your opinion about something. So many of my clients get really, really nervous about visibility, and it makes total sense. But this is such an important thing to have tools for because it comes up constantly. It's so important to talk about and have a conversation like we're doing right now because of how much talk it's in part of everybody's lives. So today I'm going to focus mostly, though, on the mindset part of it, the mind part of this work. Things that we can do with our thoughts and our relationship to fear, you know, to turn down the volume down on anxiety and nervousness and things like that so that we can move forward. And I'll touch lightly on the body because it's, I mean, it's huge, but I'm trained really in terms of the mindset work and the and that part of it, though I will say there's definitely I have been in the on the lookout for really good somatic training work because it's so much a part of my life personally. And I kind of obviously just do, you know, I have lots of friends who do the work, and so I kind of learn from them, and it's such a huge part. It saved my life when I was, you know, in war for two and a half years. And it just I know that's gonna be a part of my work a hundred percent. It already is on some level. So I but I mostly will be about the mindset work of it or how to kind of get our minds wrapped around it, and a little bit about the body piece, because I'll share with you for sure things that I've done in terms of the, you know, the body piece of you know, helping us to kind of turn down the volume on nervousness is, you know, I do in the days of my call, I'll go for very long beach walks. Usually I go for usually walks like every day, but when I go to the beach, first of all, they tend to be longer walks, and it's by the sea, it's by the water, which is like a whole nother kind of healing in itself. And I will have, and it's usually emptier, so I'll have like very long out loud conversations with my fear and straight up be like, this is what's happening, this is what we're doing. You totally are welcome to come, you're totally not welcome to lead the way. I will be doing that. That's the conversation I have with fear. I will also, I you know, as you guys know, probably I ice bath, but just three days a week. So I will make sure that the day of the call, I will that's an ice bath day. It brings, it energizes me in a way that I'm not usually that energized. So I make sure to kind of do that, and then I just do also again the somatic movement shaking and rolling that I've learned along the way. And I just I just am moving my body all day long, basically. So there is a body somatic work is major in this, but because it's not my expertise yet, I'm gonna focus on the mind today. Okay, so all right, let's start here. You know, why do we even feel nervous? This is like not coming from nowhere. We have primitive brains, y'all. We have primitive brains, these crazy brains. And when we put ourselves in any kind of leadership position, like getting on stage or running a workshop, teaching, you know, being visible in any kind of way, we are literally separating ourselves from the group, right? Or literally like physically, and we're standing out, right? We're kind of leading the way. And our primitive brains freak out. Because back in the day, we are tribal people. We survived in packs. If someone was separated from the tribe because they were seen as either not useful, or they got sick, or they were pushed out, they probably did not survive. They weren't hunting together, they weren't gathering together, protecting each other. So your primitive brain is basically like, what are you doing, you idiot? This is a terrible idea. You are separating from the group, you are going to die, literally. And your body doesn't know any different. It reacts like you are actually in danger. And that's why your heart rate goes up and you start sweating and your mind goes blank. I don't know about you guys, but literally the past few of these these webinar workshops that I do, I'll like open up the call and I literally be like, as if I don't remember a thing. My mind goes completely blank, and there's just like a second of like, what? Like my mind's literally like my my body and mind are like, let's work together to be like, you're not gonna do this. That's what happens, you know. So it's like, yeah, it's an interesting thing. I definitely it's it's like your nervous system is acting like you're literally being chased by a lion. But you know, here's the thing it's a total misunderstanding. Your brain, meaning your brain is not understanding really what's going on here. Your brain is getting spooked, but there's no actual lion as we know, right? Have you guys ever, you know, have you ever been scared by someone who just jumps out on you? You know, either it's like a at a Halloween, you know, haunted house or not. But like you know that moment that you scream and your heart jumps, and then you realize, oh, it's not real, right? This says actually, this is this is a this is a good, this is a good story. Years ago, I don't know how many years ago, maybe five years ago, something like that, we were leaving my sister's house. We were there for the weekend with their family, and they live about an hour-ish, an hour fifteen away. And we packed up our car and you know, headed out, and somehow my nephew had snuck into the backseat of our car without us noticing. Now he's a jokester, he's done different kinds of things like this like our whole his whole life. He's hilarious. He's he's older now, he's 20, maybe 20, 21. And he was we were already driving, like maybe three minutes down the road, and suddenly he pops up and scares the shit out of all of us. We were like literally three minutes in a car, not as I was walking, but like it was far. And he like totally pops up and we all screamed, and then we start laughing. And that's exactly what's happening in your nervous system when you're about to go on stage to do something big. Your brain's like, we're in danger, we're in danger. And then if you pause and you take a moment to realize, oh, it's not a lion, it's just my nephew in the backseat. It's all good. We can let ourselves freak out for a second and then remind our brains, hey, I know, I know it feels like danger, but this is not real danger. Nothing bad is actually going to happen. Right? In fact, good things are gonna happen, right? And we're not gonna be separated from the tribe. We're gonna get to lead and share and make the tribe stronger. And another really powerful thing I want to say is saying it out loud. I see this all the time in coaching. Someone gets on a call and and this I see this actually when I'm when I am a client, you know, I'm on a bunch of group coaching programs, I have a bunch of group coaching communities, and someone will be called on to get coached, you know, this is usually online. And when they get on the call, the first thing they say, and this is so many people, oh my gosh, I'm so nervous. Hold on, I'm just really nervous. I just need to catch my breath. And the moment they say that, they're suddenly like 50% less nervous. It's like when you're like in a room with someone and something is, you know, awkward between you. And you could either sit there and like let the awkwardness fill the whole room, or you can say, like, okay, this is kind of awkward, right? And suddenly it's not running the show anymore. It's just like that. So when you name the nervousness, you create a space between you and it. Like it kind of separates you guys, and you're no longer the nervous person, you're the person noticing the nervousness. Do you see how that works? You're no longer the nervous person, but you're watching. You're you're you're the person noticing it. You're not resisting, you're not pretending it's not there, you're just being real with it. It makes it so much more comfortable. It allows it to be there. So it's not like pushing and shoving and trying to like be there even more so. It literally, it's interesting. It's like when you allow it, then it's there less. And another thing, by the way, that helps a lot is the moving from me. Right? Moving away from like this is about me, me, me. All right. So that I'll I'll explain it a little bit more to make sense. You know, before my group coaching calls that I do these group coaching calls that I'm telling them I get nervous about, I literally picture all the me, me, me, me, me thoughts right in front of me. Me, me, me, me, me thoughts. All right. And I will say that that's like, what if I don't do well? What if they don't like it? What if I mess up? Like all the things about like me, what's you know, worrying about myself. I will like picture them in front of me and I will physically imagine myself like taking my hands and moving all of that aside and putting my people right in front of me, like maybe physical pictures that I'm picturing of them or things of ways I want to help them and serve them, right? I want to like I want to remember the mission and get away from like what I'm worried about for myself. When it's not about me anymore, it gets so much easier to show up, even with the nerves, because it's like I've got an important thing to do here. I don't have time for this bullshit, right? This works for business, this works for dating, for those who are out there dating, this works for anything that feels really vulnerable. By the way, dating and business, it's crazy how similar they are. My husband is actually a dating coach and a matchmaker. So it's like interesting how like parallel this the work is. It's it's crazy, right? Because it's really vulnerable. You stop asking when you do that, you stop asking what will they think of me, and you start asking what actually matters here? How can I help them? What can I say today that can help one person? And here's the bigger truth that I really, really, really believe. We are massively underutilizing the capacity of the human race. I know that's a major thing to say. I know that it is, but we are caught between these two brains. This primitive brain that wants to keep us safe, and this human brain that wants us to grow and create and contribute and evolve. And so many people hold themselves back, not because they're not capable, not even close. They're so freaking capable, but because they don't want to feel fear, nervousness, discomfort. They're just like, uh, I don't want to feel that. So I'd rather just like not do it. And when that happens, the world gets less less inventions, less healing, less growth, less contributions. Not because the potential isn't there because it is, but because people don't have the emotional tools to move through fear. This is why this is really, guys, this is really why I truly so deeply believe in coaching, you know, and and somatic coaching, breath work, all these kinds of things. Because it it is such an amazing service to the human race and to this world, I really believe. And here's the thing you don't build confidence by waiting until you're not scared. Like you build confidence by doing the thing and realizing that you didn't die afterwards. You know, I'll I'll share like a real life moment here, you know. There was one group coaching call that I had, and this was like maybe two months ago, I finished, and I generally thought I had totally flopped it. I remember turning off the call and literally flopping. Like I literally flopped. I think I even posted on my stories this picture of me flopped. My face, like I, you know, ended the call, I put my head down and my cheeks were burning, and I was like, oh God, oh god, oh god. That was so bad. That was so bad. And my nine-year-old came into the room just at that moment and I looked up and I was like, I need a hug. Can I hug you? And I hugged the crap out of the guy. I was like squeezing him and I was like, you know, that, you know, that feeling of like, oh god, what just happened? And the next day, when I was a little bit calmer, I watched the call back. I record these so I can watch them back and evaluate. And I realized it was actually good. It was actually like really good. But more important than that, I survived thinking I had flopped. I l actually lived to talk about it. And I'm here on the podcast too, so I still am alive. I was okay. I still scheduled the next call. I still put it out there, I kept going. And I realized from that moment I can flop. I can flop again, I can do it again and again and again, and I'll be okay, and I'll get better and I'll learn. That's how we rewire our nervous system. That's how we do it, guys. It's our responsibility as individuals to strengthen our ability ability to do things that feel scary. I'm gonna say that one more time. Okay, because it's important. It's our responsibility, ours, individually, to strengthen our ability to do things that feel scary. Not because we should suffer, but because the more we can hold uncomfortable emotions and still move, the more we can build, the more we can give, the more we can create and actually live lives that we want to be living. So I want to ask you guys a really important question. What is the worst part of being nervous for you? I'm gonna take a moment to like answer that question. And then after that, I want you to I want to ask another one. Is it worth it to bring the best part of yourself to the world? Is having that moment of nervousness worth it enough to bring the best part of you to the world? And if the answer is yes, if the answer is hell's yes, bring it on. Then I want to invite you to choose one specific thing this week that makes you really nervous. That, you know, you feel your heart rating going up a little bit, even just thinking about it, and I want you to do it. And then next week, I want you to choose another one. And the week after that, I want you to choose another one. And when the fear shows up, I want you to say what I've been saying to myself lately, which is yes. Yes, yes, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you for making me feel alive nervousness and fear and anxiety and anxiousness and all this stuff. Thank you for reminding me that I'm here to actually live and not just stay comfortable. Thank you, thank you, thank you. When you feel fear and nervousness, nothing has gone wrong. Everything has gone right, in fact. Because you're doing the things. And you can go back and listen to this podcast over and over and over before you do the thing, before each week you do your new thing, listen to this podcast again and remind yourself of the tools and things that you can. Do to help regulate yourself a little bit more to do the scary thing. So I will close with this. I love you guys. I just want to tell you that. I'll open with that and close with that. I love you guys. Let's get out there and feel like freaking nervous wrecks all day long and do amazing things anyway. And if you want to come get coached on this, if you want to watch me do this work like in real time while being nervous as well, I want to invite you to my monthly group coaching calls. I will put the link in the show notes as usual so you can sign up. And I love you so much. Have a beautiful day. Go out and get nervous, my brave little things. I'll talk to you next time.