The Secret to Hitting a Goal

What if the reason you don’t follow through on your goals isn’t because you don’t want them badly enough… but because you’re making them too big of a deal?

In this first episode of the year, I’m sharing something I’m actively working through myself — a quieter, lighter way of going after what we want without burning out or bailing when things get hard.

We talk about why motivation and passion can actually work against us, how pressure creates the familiar “rollercoaster” with our goals, and what happens when we build from trust instead of intensity.

This isn’t about lowering your standards or not caring. It’s about finding that middle place where a goal is important, but not life-or-death, so you can stay in the game long enough to actually see it through.

If you’ve ever started something with a lot of excitement and then quietly dropped it weeks or months later, this episode is for you.

Important Links to Note:

Success Series

https://www.tamarcoaching.com/success

Free Monthly Group Coaching

https://www.tamarcoaching.com/group

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:12

Hello my brave people. Hello, hello. Welcome back, brave little things. The first, very, very first episode of the year. How fun is that? Very fun, I think. By the way, I have some workers working in my house today doing some fixing up of different things. So if you hear that, that's what's going on. As you guys know, I don't edit my podcast, so you might hear a little in the background. I mean, if it's really crazy loud, then I will stop recording and do another recording another time. But if you hear little things here and there, that's what's happening. So, anyways, welcome back and welcome to the brand new year. And, you know, kind of like in honor of just changing things up and doing things a little differently, whatever, I kind of want to share something today that I'm myself am kind of like grappling with and trying to figure out myself. It's like pre fresh for me, and I'm still like, yeah, I'm still trying to figure out understand what this is and what conclusions I want to make and things like that. So instead of coming to you with clear and certain conclusions, which is usually my comfort zone as a life coach, as a business coach, as a mom, as a woman, as all these identities I have that are usually like, let me fix this for you and give you the exact solution. It's gonna be great. Right. And so instead of kind of doing that, we're gonna kind of do it together. I'm gonna ask you to kind of hold my hand, I'll hold your hand, and we'll kind of walk through this together and kind of figure this out. So if you're open to that, let's do it. Let's do a little exploration today. You know, because lately I've been like, you know, I've been having I thought, like, you know, let's maybe it's a good idea to talk about goals because I know that goals are on everybody's mind at the beginning of the year, and this specific mm, you know, thing that I want to talk about today is related to goals, you know, because I've been I've been personally having this like kind of persistent sense that the way I've been going after my goals, you know, isn't quite aligned anymore. Doesn't quite work the way it does. It's kind of like, you know, how social media, like Instagram has its trends, like now this is working, and then it changes. It kind of feels a little bit like that. Like I'm like, okay, let me do a little shifting around of how I go about my goals because it's not completely working the way I want it to work. And, you know, it's not the goals issue. It's not the goals problem. And it's not even my desires problem. I I know that because these are just circumstances. Like your goal is just the circumstances that you're like wanting to create. So it doesn't have to do with that, right? But it's the emotions I've been using my whole life, by the way, you know, to fuel them. That's what's going on here. And the emotions that I choose might not be the ones that will carry me forward, I've realized. And like at least they're like, you know, because I'm also I'm very good at consistency and staying in the game and I've got all of my coaching skills and things like that, I can always push it through. But I think what I've been realizing is that like maybe I'm like making it harder for myself. And I think maybe it's the like emotions that I'm put choosing in order to fuel them. You know what I mean? And that's kind of what I want to talk about today. So this idea that so many of us are like actually pretty good at getting started, you know, and then we know how to feel motivated and excited and passionate, but then somewhere, somewhere there it gets like super heavy or pressury, and we just like drop the thing altogether. And we tell ourselves this whole story of why like I don't think it's the thing anymore, and I don't I just don't want to pursue that. So, you know, today I just want to talk about like how do we go after what we want without making it such a big freaking deal that we're gonna like burn to the ground or bail the hell out. Because I think that's kind of what happens when we when we are like, you know, going after with the particular emotions that fuel it in a particular kind of way. So, anyway, before we dive in, one quick just practical little note, little share. For the month of January, I'm opening up something I usually only offer to past clients, calling it the success series, and it's a three-session coaching container. I usually coach only in six-month containers, so this is really different in that way. And the truth is I didn't plan on opening this more widely to like non-clients, no non-path clients, but enough people actually start asking me, and I kind of randomly said yes to a few different kinds of people, mostly based on because I thought, like, yeah, three sessions was actually that makes sense for them, let's do that. And I've been actually loving these sessions. I've been like really loving these sessions, they have been as well. And I'm just seeing how much people are getting out of them. And it's kind of a really beautiful way to work together. So I decided, you know what, I'm gonna let's do this for the month of January. Let me offer this, let me open this up. So if you want to know more, the link is in the show notes, and I'll remind you again at the end and give you a little bit more info about it. So, anyways, let's let's jump in to this little uh this episode here where we are you are holding hands and figuring out this out together and all the stuff. So, you know, it's the beginning of the year, as we know, and goals are everywhere, everywhere. Business goals, money goals, health goals, personal goals, all the goals, parent goals, you name it, people are talking about goals, right? You see that everywhere. And it happens everywhere, right? It's not like what? It's like the new year thing, right? It's a good time to like listen, it's a good time to reset. It makes sense. Like it's nice to have something planted that kind of helps you motivate you already. And what I've been noticing, both in myself and also the people that I coach, is that a lot of us are actually really good at starting it, really good at starting our goals. We get inspired, we decide, we sign up, we declare to the world, to our bedrooms, to our mirrors, to our people, this is the year. This is the year that this is going down. And then where things tend to fall apart is somewhere just right after that. You know, and the more I sit with it, the more I think it's not because we don't care enough or don't want it badly enough. I think a lot of the time it's because of how we're holding that goal, right? Meaning like we're either making it way too big of a deal or we don't make it a big deal enough. And it's actually a whole healthier way of doing this. It's something like it might sound something like, I really want this. This could be really cool. I could see how this could change things in my life in meaningful and profound ways. And like I'm excited about this idea. And also, if it doesn't happen, my life isn't over, my life is great still. And I could try a different thing or a different way. And that's cool too. Right? It's like this real in-between sweet spot of like, I don't need to make it like if this doesn't happen, I'm done. Or like whatever, like I'm just not gonna try. It's not like not such a thing, it's not gonna do anything to my life. No, we can be real about it and also really want it and also realize that if it doesn't happen, it's cool. Right? I think part of why this has been so clear to me is because I'm like basically I've basically realized I've kind of been in sales for most of my adult life and you know, without literally without officially calling it sales or actually being in sales, like I've been a babysitter my whole life. I'm a mama, I've been a mama for almost, you know, not for almost four, nineteen years. I've been a little sister, I've been, you know, just been in relationships with people. Like if you're ever in relationships with people, you're in sales, which hello is every single human being listening to this podcast. Because you're constantly selling people on something, right? So, for example, if you're a parent, you know, eat the cucumber, and then we can do this. You know, put your shoes on, you know, let's get to the car. You gotta wash your hands, you're gonna get really sick, and you're not gonna be able to go to that amusement park, you know. Just try it. I'm I promise you that you're gonna really love it and you're gonna want to eat it all the time. All the little things that we, you know, try to sell our kids on. If you're like wanting to go to like a really delicious restaurant and your partner is like not really into that one, they want to go different one. You take out your sales skills and you really like, you know, really go heavy on like why they think it would be amazing and what would be, you know, what's on the menu that they would love in the area, and it's really easy to drive there, no traffic, whatever it is, right? We're constantly in sales. You learn timing, you learn tone, when to push, when to back off, what motivates, you know, which what motivates that particular person. I mean, it's so funny. I see my kids, like I know my kids know what to ask me and what to ask my husband. You know, like they know they are totally nowhere to sell in those kind of ways, which is hilarious. You know, in life coach, my life coach certification program, we also talked business. We learned about business a lot. And I remember learning this idea, you know, called rational self-interest theory, which basically says humans make decisions by weighing cost and benefit without even realizing it and doing it all the time. Like, is this worth it? Is this the benefit? Is the benefit bigger than the cost? Like, I've got a certain amount of money, and if I give you my money, am I gonna get, is it gonna be more than what I'm actually giving you? Right? So like we're constantly in mode and doing those things. And when I used to, you know, I used to sell doTERRA oils when I was a mama. I know, I was trying to look for jobs and work that I could do while I was, you know, in between nap times and pickup times and all those kinds of things, which I think for many parents that that's what they're doing. So I would sell doTERRA oils. And my people were like new mamas just like me, and so that's primarily who I'd sell to. And the truth is I wasn't really selling oils, right? I was selling this like picture, this experience. You're the kind of mom who feels resourced at home. How amazing would that be? You got all your oils, and you don't have to run out to the pharmacy or doctor's office, whatever. All of your oils are right there. And how amazing to be like giving your family like the gift of like natural tools. How incredible would that be? How earthy, right? So I'd be selling them on this picture of like the kind of mom they want to be. And let me tell you, these oils, they're not cheap. So the brain has to feel like, okay, this lines up with the kind of mom I want to be. That's the only way you'll put money down for these oils. You know, and the same thing is when I was a director of a traveling summer team program. You know, like I remember going to fairs and I'd set up my little booth and I'd be in a sea of a million other summer programs. Like there was a trillion programs. And I wasn't always selling to the parents. I had to first sell to the parents, and then the parents had to sell to their kids, right? We needed to get everybody involved here. And our program, the program that I ran was, you know, just not just like a fun summer stuff. Like you go to camp and you just ditch everything and you hook up with, you know, your boyfriend all summer. Like it was a six weeks of travels, volunteering, Jewish community connection, organic farming, leadership building. It was like very meaningful. And so when I would speak to the parents, that's obviously like what I would be, you know, pushing and sharing. Like, again, not in a not in a sneaky sales way, because the bottom line is like this is literally what the program was, and this is why I built it. Because I wanted to offer in the sea of a million programs something that these kids could like actually like walk away being leaders. They could like really have like their first, maybe their first, you know, growth experience, like personal growth experience. And so I would speak to the parents about like the kind of independence that their kids would gain after six weeks with me and the confidence and that they could write this, like this is an amazing, you know, essay for your college application. All those things I would be very specific about to share with my, you know, with these parents, because it's these values and it's emotions that are really like how a human decides. And I needed to kind of really make sure that they felt that. They felt that like, ooh, like my money could go for not just like getting my kid out of the house and do busy in the summertime with something, but actually something can come back as like a different person, like a meet they've had a meaningful experience. And you know, listen, when it starts to get a little tricky is when we assume that the more motivation and more passion, more intensity is always the answer, right? And I know that I felt this a lot personally. I don't know about you guys. I don't know if you guys also felt that way, but like when I s when my motivation drops, when my passion drops, and I'm like not as as excited, I'm kind of like, oh no, I'm not sure if this is it anymore. I don't know if I can do this, I don't know if I can like if this is a thing I should be, this is this is my mission anymore. You know, a lot of people don't quit because they didn't care enough. They quit because they cared so much that it became so freaking heavy. Right? That's really why. Think about it, like and it makes sense. You know, when something becomes so heavy, when you make it so heavy, right? And by the way, it's not the world that's making it heavy, right? It's us personally with how we're thinking about it and the pressure we're putting on ourselves. Of course, we're like a lot of it we get from these ideas and these values we get from outside the, you know, outside the world in the in the world. But passion, the way we usually talk about it, is very, very high energy, which is why it feels so good. It's like literally a drug. It's intense. It feels like very fiery, right? You feel like on fire about it. And that can feel amazing, but not necessarily be amazing when you're selling something. It's like, you know, it's like kind of like, okay, I've got two interesting metaphors that can maybe explain it. Okay, it's like, you know, you don't have your friend, and she's like having a birthday party, she's doing a birthday party for herself. She's so excited. And she's like, and she's a friend who like loves to party. And she's really excited, and she's got all like, she's got this DJ that she loves, and she's getting all the food that she loves and the drinks that she loves, and inviting everybody, all that kind of stuff. And I don't know, if anyone else here is like midlife, you know, it's kind of like the idea initially could be really fun, but then when the time comes closer to it, you're like, I don't want to go, I don't want to leave my house, I don't want to be with a lot of people and all all the things. And so she's like so stoked, and it almost makes you feel like you don't you like you more so don't even want to go. It's like I don't want to have to be that energetic. It's too much, you know. It's kind of like that. It's kind of like that experience. Or it's also another metaphor is like it's like a good shot of espresso. I mean, I personally don't know because I've actually never had it, but this is what I've hear, and I think it's the same thing as coffee. I have had coffee. You know, it gets you started, it gets you talking, gets you declaring things, you're like so hyped, you're so like all over the place. But it eventually fades. And when it does, we tend to assume that something has just gone wrong. We go from such a high to such a low that like maybe this isn't actually my thing. Maybe this isn't my goal, maybe I shouldn't be focusing on this. Right? And instead of like adjusting like how we're want to feel about the goal, how we want to go about the goal, we just kind of drop it because it's like, well, if I was feeling really excited about it and now I'm not, it must mean that it's like maybe not what I'm supposed to be going after. I see this all the time with myself and with my people, like all the time. So, you know, there's something that did shift for me. And I realized that when I build things, you know, from joy, from excitement purely, the energy is like very frantic. Right? And there's this pressure, right? Am I excited? Is this working? Like that, like everything I've been talking about. But what I've been experimenting with instead is building more from the emotions of trust and surrender. Honestly, even just saying, even the way I just said it, I said it because of the way I just felt it when I said it. Trust and surrender. It just like, oh my God. I like really feel so good now. The excitement was like draining me, and the trust and surrender, just saying the words, just made me feel like, oh my gosh. You know, it's like, okay, I know about lots of metaphors today, but it's another metaphor. You know, it's like joy and excitement are like this little sister. And she tugs at your sleeve and she's like, Will you play with me? Are we playing yet? Can we play? Let's play, let's play. And then trust and surrender are the older sister. She's not begging, right? She's not begging because the reason why is she's so damn busy building the damn playground or whatever the hell you're playing on. Like she's busy building it up. So she's not like focused on like, can we, can we, can we, can't we? Like the hyper, hyper energy. Right? She's more steady than that. And I kind of feel like that's kind of what we need in order to like continue and not make it so hard for us to, you know, move towards these goals. Again, I think that like, and you know, we could with excitement and joy, you can ride these ways and we can get there. But I think it's become like much harder. I think that's what I'm just realizing. Like, how can I, you know, as like as a life coach, as a business coach, I'm like constantly trying to think of hacks for myself that I can then teach to you guys. I think this is what's kind of happening. I'm kind of like, okay, I can do this. And it's kind of feels a little bit like I have to kind of push myself a lot. It feels sometimes feels a little hustly, which is not the energy I, you know, go towards. And so there must be some kind of hack that can help me get to where I want to go without that. And it's like, I think joy and excitement are not the answers. And really, really learning trust and surrender might be the answer, right? Because too often the pursuit of joy keeps us from joy. And too often the pursuit of happiness keeps us from actual happiness. And the pursuit of success keeps us from success because of that pressure, right? We're like, we need to go after it, we need to have it. And instead, it's like exactly opposite of what we get. That pressure makes it like completely vanish for us. So what if we like kind of stopped pursuing it and just kind of started enjoying it more? It's kind of like you create a goal and then you're like, and I don't know when it's gonna happen. We're just gonna let it go. Like you write it and then you kind of like let it go off into the wind. And you work, you know, you know what you're gonna be doing, you know the actions you're gonna be taking, but you're kind of like I know something that's been significant for me in doing this is kind of like doing exactly what I'm saying, which is like saying, Okay, this is what I wanna be doing. I wanna be creating a certain amount of clients in my business, or you know, wanting to, you know, create three podcasts this week, whatever that one that goal is, and then really deciding like, okay, well that maybe the the podcast one's not the greatest because of more like long-term, but like a certain kind of money in my business, and saying, like, I I don't know when it's actually gonna happen. I know I want this. This is what I'm wanting in my business. And so I'm gonna take the actions to move towards that. And if it doesn't happen this month, that's okay. It doesn't mean that the goal is not gonna happen. It means I'm gonna keep on going after it until it does, and I don't know when that's gonna happen, and that's none of my business. And so that's kind of helped me kind of fall into more of a surrender kind of place. Because when we can slow ourselves down and kind of like as if let the you know write down the goal and it let it kind of like fly off into the wind, we start noticing the trickling in of whatever is already there, those small wins and those moments where something clicks even briefly, right? It's like so beautiful. It lets us continue without the hustle, want to keep keep on moving forward towards the goals that we're trying to create. Right? And it it I think the shift also what I've kind of come to realize is that when I'm shifting from joy and excitement to more trust and surrender, it feels more like I'm moving from being pushed by something outside of me, you know, which is usually, you know, underneath it at least is the cult our culture, religions, expectations, family, all that kind of stuff, to being driven by something inside of me. Right? It's like something that like I'm it's like my little secret, my little thing that I'm like deciding that I really want. And it feels really different, right? So we know, we just know that like motivation, passion, it absolutely can get us started. It's definitely a good kickstart. I think that's why most folks will choose this time of year to get a goal started because it's kind of like this you know worldwide known thing and the world we kind of like, okay, we're gonna create goals and it feels very motivating and you know it's kind of like a kickstart for everybody. But it's, you know, what happens is it's like we create this roller coaster, this high, high, high I'm doing it. I've changed the thing. This is it, it's moving. And then the low drop of that roller coaster. This is too hard. I'm feeling it's not working. Right? Like picture yourself literally on a roller coaster for this. When you're like high up your your stomach drops but like in the best way possible. You're like full of excitement right this is amazing and scary but so amazing and then you drop and you're going down and it's just kind of like that emotional again your stomach's dropping but not for the best reason. And so many so many of us I think it's just like the bottom line. So many of us are treating our goals like this. I know I have forever like I treat my goal like life or death decisions. Like if every everything is riding on this one outcome and if I don't make it happen, if I don't achieve it, then dude I'm nothing. Like I know that that's been like even even though I've gotten so much better at it because again I've got these skills I am a coach I'm in the work all these kinds of things I feel it like I feel the remnants of it you know and no wonder we freeze and we burn out and we quit I mean who the hell wouldn't if they're feeling that like intense life or death kind of thing when they're like pursuing something that's supposed to be so fantastic and supposed to benefit them and grow them and all these kinds of things. We want to care. We want to show up we want to all these kinds of things but we still also have good days and we have off days but the difference is like the goal isn't carrying our whole identity on its back. I want you to actually even like physically picture that for a moment like picture like whatever your goal is like have that in mind. Picture like a character like make it into this like kind of monstery character of sorts and then picture like you you, yourself, your identity like on its back and it's being carried by it. Right? That's a lot of pressure right we don't want that for ourselves. I don't want that for myself I don't want that for my my clients I don't want that for you guys. So we're trying to like build this relationship over time that feels much more loving. And it's gonna come from how we emotionally experience it. I think that's what I'm realizing. I mean obviously it's funny because it's like this is literally the work I do but it's like sometimes I forget it also right and I'm just like I don't understand why this is not happening and like I'm not feeling excitement and joy about it anymore. It's like well maybe because those aren't the emotions that are going to take you all the way through and that's okay. Right? Maybe that's okay. So I don't know I still have lots of thoughts about this. I'm still trying to figure all these different pieces but I do think that this is some kind of way in to kind of hack the whole goal not even setting and creation because we can do that without this but continuing pursuit of the goal. I think this is like kind of a a a gentler and a more sustainable way in right so I think I'm leaving you with if I have to leave anything with you guys today I think it's gonna be this. Let's stop making it such a big deal. Not because it doesn't matter but actually because it does because these goals do matter to us and it's important that we don't make this about life or death. It's just important that we make it that this is like a pursuit of something sacred and life changing for ourselves because if we can take this slowly and we can not take it so seriously we're gonna have a lot more fun with it. And we're gonna want to stay in the game the whole wide ride through so those are my thoughts. I would love to hear what you guys have to say. If you've got anything else to add to the conversation hang out with me on Instagram talk to me share with me DM me you can email me you can do all the things you've got all the connections I'd love to hear what you guys have to say about this. And if you want support learning you know all these kinds of things that we're talking about here in the podcast we can do this together. And we've got the success series you know that you can book all in January that is a great way in a great another avenue into the work and a bonus by the way in is the success series is that if you go through the success series and you're like that was freaking awesome and I want more and you decide to continue on and go into the larger container together the success series is on me. It's totally free and you just go into the next container so which is really fun. And also in addition as you guys know or maybe don't know but I host a free monthly group coaching call every month open to any entrepreneurs creatives and healers and all the folks who've got small businesses and are wanting a little help it's a free call and a group setting and it's really amazing beautiful vibes. So you can always I'll put into the show notes but you can hop in and check in on my website when the next one is so you can sign up and register. I'd love to see you there. Well guys happy freaking new year may it be a beautiful healthy year where trust and surrender lead the way and we're right behind it following behind. I love you guys. Have a beautiful one I'll see you next time