Standing Your Ground: The End of the Good Girl Era

In this episode, we’re talking about what it really means to stand your ground—and why so many of us struggle to do it. I share a story from when I was 19 that unexpectedly taught me the power of quiet certainty (yes, it involves a chaotic NYC penthouse and a babysitting job gone awry). We explore how “good girl” conditioning manifests in adulthood in ways we barely even notice.

If you’ve ever found yourself saying “it’s fine” when it’s not…

shrinking your ideas before they even come out…

playing small to keep the peace…

or abandoning your own needs so nobody feels uncomfortable…

this conversation is for you.

We dive into the five reasons the good girl identity blocks your clarity, your voice, and your potential—and how to begin practicing the muscle of standing your ground even when your voice still shakes.

This episode is an invitation to stop leaving yourself behind, tell the truth sooner, and step into the grounded, steady version of yourself who actually knows what she wants.

Mentioned in the episode:

→ Join my free monthly group coaching call: https://www.tamarcoaching.com/group

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:13

I'm back. We're back. We're back here on Brave Little Things. Thank you for being back here. Welcome back, all the stuff. By the way, guys, I have I am like so I've got so many podcasts that have been downloaded into my brain that I've been like recording like crazy for you guys. I'm so ahead of the game here that you I could be recording here November and you could be listening to in like January or February. So wherever you are, I'm sending you November sunshine, crisp afternoons with lots of sunshine happening around, no matter when you're listening to this. So all right, two quick things before we jump in. Number one, I know that you guys are here because you want to be here. No one obviously gives up their precious time to listen to something that they don't believe will be helpful or resonate or just, you know, enjoy. I love you guys for that. I love you being here week after week. And I think that I just ask you one little thing, which is to, when you go to your podcast app, just to push that little plus sign, which allows you to follow the podcast. And when you push that plus sign and you follow it, what means is that you will never miss a podcast episode because it will alert you, it will tell you, and that means that an episode will never miss you. So it's a cute little friendship happening here. The second thing is just a quick reminder, again, before we dive in, every month I host a totally free group coaching call for all the coaches and creatives and entrepreneurs, healers, soul-led humans out there. It's a very beautiful experience, I will say. I basically, the way it breaks down is that I usually give about 10-15 minutes of a bit of a teaching that will be helpful for any entrepreneur building a business. And then we just dive right into the good old coaching. And it's a free call, and it's a beautiful community and group that comes together and support each other, and you should be a part of it. So definitely jump in. You can get that link and register for the next call at tomorrowcoaching.comslash group. And again, I do this every month. So hop in. There are no replays. You gotta be there live. All right, let's get into today's conversational. Let's do it. Standing your ground and the end of the good girl era. Certainly a title, don't you think, guys? It's a big one. Big shoes to fill here. But you know, this whole topic started with a story I shared in an email last week or a few weeks ago, two weeks ago. It wasn't dramatic, it was just an honest share. But the response I got back reminded me that so many of us are wrestling with the same thing right now. Learning how to stand your ground on things that are important to you. And honestly, I didn't expect the reaction I got. Let me tell you, my inbox freaking exploded. People screenshotted the email and sent it to me with messages, you know. And one woman even forwarded it to her teenage daughter, a past client of mine actually, you know, wrote me a message saying, Oh my gosh, this email just came to me at the exact right moment. I feel even more whole with telling this client of this this potentially huge project that I'm not gonna do it. And I've been literally frightening myself all week, feeling like I was checking, I was chickening out if I said no. And this email gave me the permission to say no. I love that. So, and a bunch, you know, so many people just wrote me. And I thought, you know, this needs to be an episode too. There needs to be a home where people can come back and revisit this topic when they need the motivation and the reminder. So here I am creating that exact home for you guys. You know, because I know that some of you guys love to read emails and you just dive right in and your learning happens there, and some of you guys learn through headphones, go on a walk, throw in the podcast, go to a car ride, whatever it is, and that's where you get your your info. So I want to, you know, make it available in all the places. So let me just tell you the story again, but you know, podcast version. It was, you know, I was having a conversation with a friend of mine, a good friend of mine, and she mentioned she was really proud. I think by the way, it's even a WhatsApp, maybe text message, but she was just mentioned that she was really proud of her 19-year-old daughter for standing her ground at work. That this is something that her daughter was, you know, always grappling with, never knew how to really like say what she thought and what she believed and what was okay for her, and she really stood her ground here. And when my friend was sharing this with me, immediately my own 19-year-old self came rushing back. And the story goes like this I went to NYU for college. I was a freshman at NYU. So the very, you know, just got to New York City, got to, you know, the East Village, trying to figure out the subway and pretending I wasn't freaking terrified half the time. It was a really interesting thing, by the way. Being in NYU, we didn't have a campus. Aren't New York City was our campus, which was a crazy experience in itself. But I knew that I needed to get work. I needed to work. I, you know, I had a boyfriend who was long distance, I needed uh money for the bus to go see him. I wanted to go be able to go hang out and party with my friends in the city. Like I needed money. So I filled out one of those babysitting forms at the campus job center, you know, where they place it put the put it on file, and then families can go in and look through the different forms and choose who they want to be in touch with. It's all so old school. I'm just like, as I'm sitting right now, it's just like, can you even imagine? Like, I go went into an actual office and I sat down and I wrote with a pen and a paper, and then families came in to that office and looked through them to find their people. It's so crazy how different the world is now. But anyways, a family found me and they called me for an interview. So I went. And I remember stepping out of the elevator and straight into a full-blown construction site. There's like sawdust everywhere, you know, it was banking, drilling, and this mom who was coming to meet was sitting calmly in the middle of it all, booking flights on the phone with Air France. She was on hold with Air France, you know, like no big no biggie, no big deal at all. What was happening here was, by the way, that they were breaking down the two penthouse apartments to make them into one massive apartment. That was what was happening. I was just like, whoa. So we did the interview. I played with her very adorable daughter, a little maybe three years old, and everything was great, it was fine, and you know, and then we sat down to have a little chat after I was playing with her daughter, and she and she said to me, you know, she turned and said to me, I know that you wrote ten dollars an hour on the form, but we pay eight. But I promise you you'll get lots of hours. And here's the thing, guys. Can you feel I can I can actually literally feel myself, I can see myself, feel myself sitting on the couch across from her, hearing these words. And I will tell you, I did not feel powerful and I did not feel confident. I did not feel like this badass, you know, boss babe, like going for it. I felt like I felt like 19. I felt like a 19-year-old. But I also felt something I didn't yet have words for. I just remember this very quiet feeling in my chest. I already decided. That's it. No drama, no big speech, just a simple decision I had made before I even came to her house for the interview that I made on this form. So with this shaky, you know, 19-year-old voice, but also very clear, I said, I'm sorry, my rate is$10. And she said, to my surprise, okay then, I don't think it's gonna work out. And I left. And I remember walking into the hallway, super confused, and said out loud to nobody, because nobody was there. Wow, like she has no idea what she just passed up. And I will tell you, it's it was not from an ego. It was not from an ego place, it was not even from anger. I was not angry at her at all. It was just from knowing myself in this deep way that I don't ever remember knowing myself. I knew that I was incredibly reliable, insanely creative, and super amazing with kids. Like I just knew those things. I've been babysitting, you know, my whole high school year, you know, all the high school years. I just knew I was damn good. And I will say, now being a mom and knowing the like what the value of good childcare, I just am even more so like, dude, she just passed up something good. And you know what? I already had three families lined up that evening. And one of them, including, by the way, Lenny Kravitz, that'll be a story for another time. I mean, listen, I was like in New York City, I had like lots of really cool freaking experiences. Again, I should I do a podcast on a lot of this stuff. But, anyways, I already had three families lined up. It was like no big deal. And the part that stayed with me the most was not about the money, right? It was really about this, what I'm talking about, this certainty, this this quiet, grounded, absolutely non-dramatic certainty that said, you get to stand where you already chose to stand. And that moment was the exact muscle that this good girl conditioning tries to shut down. And let me tell you, my good girl conditioning is powerful. My good girl conditioning has worked my entire life. She has really been the one who kind of, you know, voices her opinions a lot of times, or she will, you know, she will run the show a lot. And in this moment, she did not. And I want to be really clear about good girl stuff because something we have to understand is that the good girl isn't actually trying to be good. It actually is not even a great name for her because she's trying just to stay safe while making everyone around her feel incredibly unsafe. Obviously, she's not trying to do this, but that's what happens. We think we're being nice, we think we're being agreeable and easy-going and flexible, but most of the time being the good girl is actually working your ass off to simply avoid conflict, avoid discomfort, avoid being judged, avoid letting someone down, avoid the tiny risk of someone not liking us, right? She's constantly trying not to be too much. She's trying to make sure everyone else is okay so she doesn't have to feel the discomfort of disappointing anybody. I know you know what I'm talking about. I know because let me tell you, most of my clients have this going on because I know that I lived most of my life and still have. I still have to catch myself here. We know this energy. Maybe you grew up with it, maybe you're raising your daughters and watching them wrestle through it, maybe it's still happening for you 40, you know, plus years later. I know that for myself that this comes up big time, specifically with like authority figures. That, you know, not it isn't as much with peers, but with authority figures. I remember when I was in I was in college in New Zealand and I was going on a backpacking trip, and I was going with a guide, with a group and a guide. And this guide was maybe what, like two years older than me? I don't even know, but I remember just like how much I wanted this guy to like me, and I wanted to say the right things, and I wanted him to think I was really smart, and I wanted to be like this good girl because he was like now in this authority position, which is like hilarious. So, yeah, so that comes up, that's where it comes up for me a big time. And you know, the thing is that it's like this self-protection that we give ourselves dressed up as a virtue, like as if it's a good thing. Like I'm being a good girl, right? I'm being good. And the because the hardest part about it is that it gets praised like crazy. People love easygoing girl, the flexible girl, the whatever's good for you, girl. By the way, I'm using girl, but know that this is like definitely happens for men as well. And if you're one of those men out there and you've like gone through this, I apologize for constantly using girl, you couldn't go ahead and use guy. But I will say that this majorly is, you know, with all my work with all my different clients, and it it is something that absolutely comes up more often for women, a hundred percent. So, you know, this good girl, that's the flexible girl, the whatever is good for you girl, you know, it's like it's it's enjoy enjoyable for other people, and that's the hard part about it. But she, the good girl, pays for it quietly, and maybe not so quietly. She's filled with like resentment, with exhaustion, with losing track of what she actually wants. I mean, are you hearing me guys? Are you resonating with this? Does this feel like yes? Oh my gosh, that is it. That is me. Well, let's break this down. Let's break that down a little bit of why the good girl conditioning blocks your certainty. And it is also gonna add in another piece of it, and why it's not good for anyone involved. You or anybody who's who you're working with, who you're mothering, who you're you know, partnering, friending, all the kind of stuff. There are really kind of I'm gonna break it down actually into five different categories. Okay. So number one, number one reason why the good girl conditioning blocks your certainty and is not good for anybody, is that it teaches you to monitor yourself instead of trusting yourself. Right? The good girl's trained to read the room before she reads herself. She's constantly like looking and scanning. Is everything okay? Did I say the right thing? Do they approve? Should I soften this a little bit? Should I not say this as much? I see this coming up so much for my people, specifically with marketing, right? The good girl and the marketing, and it's like, I don't know if I should say this, and that might have been too abrupt, that might have been too much, that might have been too bold. I mean, the constant, like the like my clients cannot get like a post out. It'll take them like literally a month to get a one post because they're constantly questioning this. It's like going to a restaurant and asking everyone else what they're ordering before you even look at the menu. You lose access to your own clarity. Standing your ground requires tuning into your own frequency first and foremost. And the good girl that lives inside makes that almost impossible to do. Alright, well, there's number two. Number two is the reason is it shrinks your voice before your ideas even get born. So many women talk themselves out of their ideas before they even breathe air. Right? Not because the ideas are bad, but because the good girl says, Well, what if someone thinks it's weird? What if I can't explain it perfectly? I should just kind of it's better just to not say it at all. It's like, you know, being pregnant with a creative baby, like some creative, awesome idea, and deciding, nope, too risky, better not let it out. Like I'm not gonna do it. Bad idea. But your brilliance is not meant to live in this like little childproof room where you have to constantly be checking and is it okay? And I don't know. It needs a space to be messy and alive, right? And the good girl doesn't do messy, but messy is like the the actual ingredients of achieving unbelievable stuff. It's an it's the ingredients to really get closer and closer to your own genius. It's a must. Okay, the third reason why it creates resentment. And you know what resentment is, right guys? You know I know that you know what resentment is. I mean, I think that out of all of these, the this should speak to you the most because I you know, resentment is a, you know, a um, what's it called? What's that thing called? An illness that's like all over the place. We had it with cook corona, I'm like completely blanking on the word, a pandemic, pemadetic, whatever it's called, that thing, right? It's like this elite and pious version of self-abandonment. It's like this like fancier version, as if it's like really great. It's like, you know, and because resentment sounds like like this. I'm always the one doing everything. No one appreciates me. I guess it's on me again, right? But underneath nearly every resentment is I said yes when I wanted to say no. I didn't ask for what I needed. I downplayed what mattered to me. I want you guys to really listen to this because I really do coach on this all day long, and I know for myself as well, that we will then hang on to resentment and think that they should have done something differently when really maybe we have to look in and see what's going on with ourselves, how much the good girl is coming out, how much the good girl is creating this. Because resentment doesn't come from overgiving, it comes from dishonest giving, from pretending it didn't matter, from choosing nice instead of choosing true. Because resentment is what happens when we stay loyal to the good girl instead of being loyal to ourselves. And I want you to think about it like that. I want you to think that like if this if this is like if you've got a good girl who's been living inside of you, who's been living with you your whole life, or at least a good portion of your life, I want you to think about that. There's kind of like the good girl you, and then there's like the real you. And who are we being loyal to? Right? And every decision that you make, every choice that you're you're making moving forward, I want you to think about like, am I being loyal to the good girl or am I being loyal to myself? Right? The the version of myself that wants to come out more and more and more. Right? And when have you said, you know, like I said yes when I wanted to say no? Like how many times a day do you say yes when truly, honestly, you don't want to do the thing? You don't want to do it. I've just recently had started a thing where, you know, when a new mama is gives birth, and thank God I live in an amazing community, we support each other tremendously, and there's usually like a food chain, you know, to make dinner for them to bring over, which is an incredible thing. I have realized that I really don't enjoy that. I really don't enjoy cooking, you know, whole meal for other families. But what I do enjoy is I enjoy folding laundry, I enjoy cleaning up, I enjoy doing dishes, I enjoy giving kids rides, I enjoy coming over and giving the new mama a massage or holding the baby so she can take a shower. So now what I do, and and I was seeing how I I would sign up for this thing because everybody else was signing up and give, you know, doing these big dinners and whatever, and how much I was resenting it. And so I realized kind of took myself back. I was like, okay, what do I actually want to be doing here? And by the way, it's also would have been okay for me to say, I don't want to do anything. I've got so much going on, or whatever reasons, I'm just not gonna do it at all. I'm gonna let this one pass by. It's also okay to say, I don't want to do that, but I will do this. And it's changed everything for me, I will tell you that guys. I actually really enjoy it and I get to have also very sweet one-on-one time with these new mamas because I'm not just dropping off food and leaving, but I'm also getting to like have a moment with them, which is really amazing. Okay, I lost, I went on a different tangent, want to stay focused here. Okay, the fourth reason. It just limits your impact. It's the bottom line. Real impact requires truth. It requires a point of view, it requires being willing to say, this is what I see, this is what I believe, this this matters to me also. And you cannot meaningfully impact anything, your business or your community, your family, systems, whatever it is, while trying to keep everyone comfortable. You just can't. Girl girls smooth feathers. They make everything work out, everything okay, but leaders have to rough them up, right? You have to be with drama, but you have to like be able to say your opinions, your thoughts, which very well could not be the other other people's thoughts and opinions. The world does just does not need more shrinking women. It needs more women telling the truth. I'm telling you, it's like, oh man, I can't tell you how truthful this feels, like even just like saying it right now, we just need more women specifically telling the truth. If more women told the truth, I'm telling you that first of all, we would literally the resentment level would be bro would be like halved at least. And it would just make everyone on the whole world would just function so much better. Okay, number five, you cannot grow into your potential from the girl girl identity. You pot you know, you just can't. You potentially it you know, your potential asks you lots of things. It asks you to take up space and to be seen and try things that might not work and tell the truth and say no and disappoint people and evolve and stretch beyond who you've been before. And the good girl wants none of that. Not interested at all. Her priority is harmony and approval and staying, staying the same. And listen, I'm by the way, I know I'm saying these things in like a very patronizing kind of way. First of all, I want to tell you, this is very much my lived experience, so I feel like I'm I'm right there. But number two, also I really do understand that this is like for real. This is a real thing living and breathing inside of you, inside of me, inside of, you know, and it's a thing that we grapple with. But it is an interesting thing to look at from the outside. Like this girl, this good girl, she just wants everything to be wonderful, right? She doesn't care about her truth or her being seen or, you know, evolving or any of that kind of stuff. But the other part of you really does. Right? She really, really does. And she wants to grow. So every version of you that is more creative, more expressed, and more honest, more fulfilled, she just cannot emerge while your main goal is to never rock the boat. Your evolution requires this discomfort. The good girl wants none of it at all. But I tell you something. Your future self, she is built for it. I promise you that. Your future self wants it, wants it bad, wants all of that. She wants the growth, she wants to be seen, she wants to tell the truth, she wants to live resentment-free and feel like she can really own herself and own her desire. She wants all those things. And let me tell you, standing your ground is not about being harsh. It's not about being loud, it's not about flipping tables over, nouncing boundaries dramatically. I think that is definitely something that people think and believe and kind of keeps them away from really learning about their good girl, you know, person living inside of them and wanting to change it because they're like, I don't want to be this loud, very abrupt, very, you know, flipping tables kind of person. And I totally get that because I would not want that either. I defin I actually had a coach who was like very much that. And I was like, well, I don't want to be telling the truth if it's like that. That seems mean. That seems not like not the way I want to go. But it's very simple. What standing your ground is really about is about not leaving yourself behind. Just like I did that moment when I was 19, and this woman was telling me, like, I know that you said$10, but I can give you eight. And I just knew that she had it, I knew that it was worth it, and all those things, I didn't leave myself behind there. And let me tell you, it wasn't comfortable. A lot of times we're gonna have to do that in a very discon un uncomfortable kind of way. Even when your voice is shaking a little bit, right? Even if it feels unfamiliar. It's that that quiet 19-year-old moment. I already know where I stand, lady. I'm so sorry, but I just can't. And I'm okay walking out the door with a no because I know that people will pay for this. Right? That's what it means. So I think that probably there was a lot there for you to digest. And my guess is that again it spoke to a lot of people out there just because I know that I coach a lot of you folks out there, you good girl folks, and I myself am one walking around like that as well. So here's the invitation for you today. Let the good girl retire. She's freaking exhausted anyway. She girl wants a break. You don't have to be harsh, and you don't have to be cold, and you don't have to become someone that you're not. You really don't. You just have to stop leaving yourself behind. So I think what basically what I'm saying is not only do you not have to become someone you're not, but you get to become someone that you are. And if you want help practicing this, if you want to feel supported as you build this muscle, come. Come, come, come, come, come. Come to the next free group coaching call that I host once a month. And or you also can sign up for a free consult with me, one-on-one, where we can talk about all the things that you're wanting to create and do. Where you are, where you want to go, your dreams, how you've been showing up, how you'd want to change how you're showing up, all the stuff. There are so many opportunities for you to reach out and really find out more about you and how this work and coaching and all the things could could help you and really get to where you want to go. All right, guys. I would love to see you guys there. I love having you guys here, and that is a wrap for the day for the week. I will see you next week.