How to be Self-Accountable

Ever wonder why it’s so easy to show up for everyone else...but not for yourself?

In this episode, we’re getting honest about self-accountability: why your brain secretly resists it, how shame keeps you hiding, and what actually starts to shift when you slow down, get curious, and take one small follow-through. 

You’ll walk away with a simple, repeatable way to rebuild self-trust without guilt, hustle, or pep talks, and finally feel like if you tell yourself you are going to do something, you know it's going to get done. 

Links:

Book a 1:1 Coaching Consult:

https://www.tamarcoaching.com/consult

Join our Monthly Free Group Coaching Call:

https://www.tamarcoaching.com/group

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:13

Hey loves. Welcome back to the podcast. Oh yes. Today we're talking about how to be self-accountable. Do you wanna like just run? Do you wanna like do you wanna shut off this podcast just hearing the topic and you're freaked out that I'm gonna call you out left and right? Which might actually happen today, but please stay here, stay with me. Be a self-accountable to listening to this podcast. Because I promise you it's gonna be some good stuff here. So and I also promise you that you are not the only one in the room that's like feels busted about, you know, talking about self-accountability. Everybody here has got that stuff going on. Major self-accountability issues, but today we are diving into self-accountability because it is a simple idea, actually. I think it can feel very confusing to many people, but it's actually very simple and it can change everything when you truly, truly get it. So self-accountability, like what is that, right? Self-accountability is literally just showing up for yourself even when no one is even watching. Can you imagine? Showing up for yourself, even if like no one else is taking tally, making sure you're there, all of the kind of things that we usually rely on for other people. You know, it's like me putting on my schedule that I'm going to record a podcast today. And then me showing up right now in my office to report a to record a podcast for you right now. That is self-accountability. I just like told myself I was gonna do it and I did it. And it feels really good, right? Self-accountability can really, it gives it for me at least, I'll say, it creates the most fun emotion that I love the most, which is pride. And I'm guessing that most of you experience the same thing. So that's what we're talking about. And by the way, the episode, this particular episode flows right out of the one before it. I'm not sure if you heard that one before you're listening to this one. That's episode 18, how to stay with yourself when things get hard. Think of it as a different angle on the same species of talk of concepts, of topics. Like last time we talked about staying, right? How to stay. And today we're talking about showing up. And both build the same kind of muscle, self-trust, and the quiet power that changes everything. So there's there's similarities. I I specifically put them kind of back to back so they would flow into each other and give you different angles of what we're talking about. So I think it will kind of give you the full picture and give you real strength in this particular topic. So, and by the way, if you didn't listen to the episode prior, episode 18, you should. It's got a really juicy metaphor in there that is just so good. I could it literally can envision it wherever I where I'm going and use it all the time. So take a listen if you haven't yet. But you know, this episode was actually inspired by a video I shared in my joyful networking community. Big shout out to my joyfuls out there who are listening right now. My joyful community is a beautiful networking community I created I think three years ago, maybe it's even four. Oh my god, I don't think so. I don't know. I'm so bad with dates, you guys. I don't I I don't even know like how old I am. I don't know my kids' age, not like dates, ages, forget about it. But anyway, I had created a video for them. I do video series in our WhatsApp group, right after I had created and we wrapped up this 30-day challenge I created for them. It's called Sell It Like You Mean It Challenge. And but basically the essence of that particular challenge was that for every day for 30 days, we would show up to sell our offers, to invite people in, to, you know, really put out their in marketing, like really kind of share, share little pieces and angles, different angles of our offers with folks. And it was wild what happened in those 30 days, actually, with my women. They were like crazy. Women were signing clients, they were making money, they were growing confidence, they were showing up like they had never before. The amount of messages I got for my women, it was so cool to watch. I actually should do another one of those. Those were really good. Anyways, after it ended, I wanted to give them, and now you guys, the skill underneath that momentum. How to keep going when the crowd fades, when you don't have accountability of a group. Because we would like, you know, be in the space group checking in with each other, and you know, I'd do different prompts and I'd have people, you know, really sharing what's going on. It was a whole it was a really fun thing. We had challenges to they could collect points and whatever. Anyways, they had a whole group behind them, they had a tribe behind them, which is such a beautiful thing and why I created my networking group in the first place. But I want us to understand and to know how we can create that even when that, as I said, the crowd fades away. How to trust yourself to follow through when the only person keeping score is you, right? When you're it's like only little old you. So most people think self-accountability should just come naturally. It should be like something that we should be able to do. Like so many things, right? So many things we kind of default thinking, thinking I should just be able to do this. And then what happens is it keeps us away from actually doing it and cre and learning how to do it because there's so much shame around that. You know, most people think this idea because we're adults. We run households and businesses and families and pay taxes and do all these things. So why is it so freaking hard to keep my promise to myself and you know, sit down and write a few pages, you know, a few words of my new book, or do whatever you're working on. So I just want to normalize this for just a second. It is challenging for everybody. It's not something we naturally should be doing, even if we are adults and have children and boss people around. I promise you that. I even did a little research on this, actually, guys, because I was like, I bet you there's so many people out there that just cannot, that don't, that feel like they, you know, their self-accountability is just so low that they just cannot show up for themselves. And what came back was only 8% of people who set goals actually achieve them. 8%. And studies also show that writing down your goals and reporting weekly progress to a friend or a coach can raise that number to, can you guess? What are you guys thinking? Can you guess the number of how how just having this accountability person how far can raise it to 76%? Which means most people need some form of structure, support to close the gap between their intention, their desire to want to do it, and the follow-through. 76%. That's insane. So if you ever felt like, what the hell's wrong with me? Why can I not show up for I can show up for everyone, every freaking one, but not for myself. You are just human. Welcome to being human. Welcome to the world of being human. There is literally nothing wrong with you. You're just part of the tribe. So listen, here's how I define self-accountability. It's showing up for yourself the same way you'd show up for everyone else. Because we're all amazing at external accountability. Well, I won't say all of us, but I'd say the majority of us are very good at external accountability. The one, like, let's say if your best friend is meeting you for a walk or a run in the morning, you're gonna be there. You're not gonna like hear your alarm and be like, ah, you know what? Forget it. And I and I'm not really not in the mood to do it. No, you're gonna show up. And if you have a coaching call, you know, for example, you'll probably be there like a minute early, even though you're a person who's like always late, right? You keep your word, your word to other people without even hesitation, because you know, you don't want to look bad, you don't want it to be weird, you don't want to be in an awkward situation. You're like gonna show up for them. But when it comes to you, that promise to finally start writing, to work on that new offer that's been like buzzing in your brain, to start working on that vacation that you want to plan for yourself or plan for your family, and you set out time to do it, to get up early and meditate, or not even to get up early, but just to meditate, right? To go to bed on time so you feel restful and taken care of. That promise becomes an optional thing. Like, I would like to, you're like all of a sudden interested. You're not committed. You're like, that would be really nice. I would love to go to bed early and actually feel like alive the next morning, right? It would be so great to meditate. It's like all of a sudden, just as like something that you're interested in, but not something that you like could commit to because it's just you, so like why would you do that? Right? Maybe you committed to reaching out to three potential clients each week, for example. And by the second week, your inbox was like overflowing with other tasks, and the week ended before you ever got to them. Right? This is the kind of stuff that happens where it's like you just don't get to those things. You wanted to go to bed at 10 p.m. and then all of a sudden, oh crap, like the new episodes that just came out of like love is blind, and I have to know if they got married or not. So all of a sudden it's like three in the morning and that 10 p.m. bedtime, yeah, that is like not happening. That's like not going. This is what happens, right, guys? This happens to us all the time. But again, if you were to like make a plan with somebody else, that would happen. And the biggest way we sabotage we sabotage, you know, self-accountability is this one thing that I want to share with you guys today. Because listen, there's definitely a few different pieces, components of this, but this is one of the the bigger ones that really that folks will self-sabotage themselves when it comes to self-accountability is by overgeneralizing. Okay. And what I mean by that is we can we'll say things like, I'll never be able to do this because I've never been consistent ever. Right? Or I can't there's no way I can do that because I've never been a morning person. It's just not gonna happen. And in that moment, we kill definitely our momentum, and more importantly, we kind of box ourselves into this one kind of person, this one kind of self-identity that we can be, and there's no way we could be anything else. So we make it sound like it's just who we are instead of the things that we do. And if it's who we are, like we can't really change those things, it's just who we are. It's kind of like planting a seed in your garden. I don't know if we've got gardeners out there, people's got gardens, but if you put a little seed in your garden and then labeling it as a seed that's just bad at growing, right? If if if you plant the garden, you plant the seed and it's like not growing after like one week, and you're like, oh my god, that's just a bad seed is just bad. It's just bad at growing, that's what it is. Instead of realizing that it takes freaking time, it takes sunlight, it takes water, it takes nutrients, and that's how a garden grows. That's how a seed go grows. It's not like the identity of the seed is it's just a bad seed. No. So, you know, it's just not the identity, right? It's our systems, the environment, the clarity, all of these can change a situation in a second. So, you know, I'll I'll give you actually a real live example here. I started a little roller skating club with exactly one member in it. It's not too impressive, guys. And I we've tried. I think it's the early hour. We've told people, you know, we meet at, I think it's 6 15 in the morning, and I've got a lot of messages like I would love to do this, but it's just really early, which I understand. But just me and my friend at this point, but we still call ourselves a roller skating club roller skating club. We still are planning on making t-shirts for ourselves, and we still make videos, cover videos, like if we had a cover album every time we meet. But anyways, I meet with my friend, and I'm a morning person. I I love the morning, I can get up early, it's great. I'm so into it, it makes me feel alive. You know, I get up every single morning and and do my own time, go for out for long, aimless walks and workout before my kids wake up, the whole thing. But she is not. She is not a morning person. Or at least she wasn't a morning person. And so in the beginning, it was a real challenge. Like first she would kind of like really try to push the time, and then so I'd be worried that she would like not show up. I don't like sent her reminders like the day of, the afternoon of, the evening of, making sure that she'd be there. And it was a real challenge for her. But but slowly, slowly she kept on showing up every week. She was kind of like half asleep, half there, but it was okay. Like she was sleepy-eyed, the whole thing, but she was there. And eventually things shifted, and actually she s ended up spending a couple months in the desert this summer, and she would wake with the sunrise. She wouldn't just totally start waking with the sunrise. She'd wake up and she would be out there and she would be writing and she'd be doing her yoga and her meditations and all that kind of stuff, and she just became like a morning person. Now, I don't know if she does that still all the time. She might still lean more towards like wanting to sleep a little bit later, which is totally cool. But she was able to do that if she wanted to do that. And she didn't need to generalize herself, like I'm just not a morning person, there's no way I can wake up for this roller skating club. No, she did it, which is an amazing thing. So, you know, think about your own example in your life. What's a habit or project you keep wanting to do, but can't seem to stick with it? You keep on like having this like intention. You're just like really want to do it. It's all happening, you know. Think about very specifically, but then like to make it happen is just like not happening. Right? Look back at the last few weeks or a month, and just I want you to calculate how often did you actually follow through on this particular thing? So, one example I know it comes up a lot. A lot of my clients, I don't know why, but a lot of my clients actually do want to wake up early. So that I'm gonna go with this this uh metaphor, this not the metaphor, this example. They actually want to wake up early. So, you know, if they will come to me and they will say all these things that I just mentioned, like, but I'm not a morning person, I've never been able to do this, and then all the other kind of excuses, right? I'll say, okay, well, how often, like in a 30-day period, did you actually try to wake up early and you achieved it? Or how many times you tried and you didn't achieve it, right? I want you to look back at those 30 days and really see how often did it actually happen? If it happened once, amazing. If it happened a few times, awesome, even better. If it didn't happen at all, great. I love it. That's data, that's information. Now we now we're going somewhere, now we're moving somewhere. Because then you want to ask yourself when it did work, what helped? What happened there? There are lots of different kinds of ways in which we can help make something happen, right? It's just obviously not going to happen on its own. But for example, like for some of my clients, if I when I we went back and we looked at the, you know, the times in which they were able to wake up early to oftentimes it was for either meditation or working out, they'd say that they prepped beforehand. So they would put like their yoga mat and their journal and pen in one particular spot that they're gonna go to and they knew it was there. So they don't have to collect a bunch of things that was there, right? I had one client who would set the coffee maker to go at 5 55 so that at 6 a.m. it was like coffee was like she woke up to a smell of coffee, she knew you she'd be okay, and she did that, right? So what we want to figure out, like what kind of preps can you do the night before, right? What kind of things can make make make it easier for you in order to show up for that particular thing that you're wanted to bring into your life, right? Because we want to ask ourselves, like, do you have, you know, excitement around it, right? And you want to make sure that it's the easiest, easiest set possible for you in order to make that happen. And so you want to do that. You want to do that that data collection of what worked when it actually worked, what kind of things happened beforehand before you actually went and did it. Because, you know, your brain wants to be confused. It wants to be like, I don't know why, but like I can't do this. I don't know why I can't, you know, I I tr I want to, I want to wake up early and I want to do these things, but I just don't know why. But I just I'm not able to do it. We our brains love to be confused because confusion lets it off the hook. If your brain can say, I don't know why it's not working, then it doesn't have to do a thing. Right? But you've got to outsmart it. You have to lead your brain. You are the one in charge. You stop asking yourself, like, what's wrong with me? What why is it not working? I have no idea. We want to stop those kinds of questions. And we want to start asking, what's actually going on here? When it didn't work, what happened there also? Did I, you know, I had an intention of going to sleep early, but then that didn't happen because that, you know, my friend called me and she wanted to go out for an hour, something was going on for her, and you know, I wanted to be a good friend or whatever it was. You know, what kind of things we also want to know what kind of things happened on the times that didn't work, because that's going to be just as valid and valuable of information as when it did work. So we want to spend some time collecting that information. So our brain can no longer be like, I don't know why. It's like, oh, because, you know, last time I did these kind of things, and that really helped. It made me really focused when I got up. And last time I did, you know, when it didn't work and didn't happen, all these other things happened, and that's why. So, you know, I also want to just mention, like, this is kind of where we get a little bit more tenderhearted. But, you know, again, I mentioned it a little bit before, but most of the time when we self-sabotage, it's because we are full of shame. Shame that is like constantly whispering to us, you should have already figured this out. You're 40, you run a business, you're raising kids, why can't you just do the thing? And that shame will keep us small. That shame's job is to make you hide so it can stay right where it is. But the moment that you shine light on it, when you pause, you evaluate, you collect information, you don't take it seriously. You're not like, it's not happening because I'm a loser and because whatever. You're just kind of like, let me find out why it's not happening so I can help change it. That's when you start to help dissipate the shame. And the shame starts to lose its grip on you. Right? You start to see, like, oh, right, it's not me. It's just like these patterns that I can look at and these habits around it that I can change. And that's the moment where the possibility of moving towards what you're wanting to do opens up. Right. When you look at your habits more like a scientist with the curiosity instead of the judgment, right? That's what's happening here. When we decide that we're gonna actually look at these habits that we are doing, these things we want to be creating in our lives, these new dreams we want to be bringing alive like a scientist, then we start to kind of push away the judgment and we start to take action. Right? You start to move, gather information, and stop beating yourself up. How amazing would that feel? And we know, we know that movement in this area, taking action dissolves the shame. Because shame lives in stillness. It likes to stay still, it likes to hide, it doesn't like any movement around it. But once we start taking action, we start collecting data, we start learning about ourselves, we start learning about the different kinds of things and that we've already been doing, then we start to move things forward. Right? And the moment you follow through, even one time your brain your brain will record it. It's like it's as if it takes a little snapshot and files it under, see, I can do this. Right? It's like this little any kind of thing that you actually when you're when you do it is like this little snapshot of evidence. It's like, oh, oh, oh, maybe I am that kind of a person. I never saw that coming, but okay. And that memory really will hold will hold still as evidence for you, a reference point that makes it easier to do it again, right? To do it again and again. And that's literally how new identities are formed. How habits stick. Right, one small action at a time, repeated with your full self, your body, your mind, your heart, the whole thing repeated over and over. The first time, even the first five times, always feels like the hardest. But after that, it's like your nervous system just goes like, oh yeah, we know this one. We know how to do this one. I've done this before, I can do it again, I can do it again and again and again, and eventually you'll be able to do it like with your eyes closed, right? So what we're really doing is building that inner sense of rel reliability, right? That gift that keeps on giving. Because that's really what it is, guys, right? Self-accountability is that gift that keeps on giving. How amazing will does it feel to know that you can rely on yourself. You know, think about someone in your life that you deeply trust. You know, the person you know will always come through no matter what. You know, for me, you know, I have four kids, all freaking amazing. I love my kids. They really are amazing. And there's one in particular that if I asked them to do something, I know it's handled. I know it's a done deal. I can ask the one time, the first time, and it's happening. I can't tell you how much this came into, how much it helped me when I was, especially when I was pregnant. It was like things just got done. It was incredible. There was so much like safety in that, so much exhale, so much like, ah, I can just count on this kid. And that's exactly what self-accountability gives you too. It's that feeling of knowing you've got you. That the person inside your own body, little old you, can be counted on. If I say, I remember this moment actually, when I was putting together this retreat that I was gonna run in Costa Rica, which I've you know, I've mentioned on the podcast before I had to cancel due to the war. And I will put it, you know, I don't know if it's gonna be in Costa Rica, but it's gonna be somewhere. But I remember having a moment when I started putting it out, like really freaking out. And I was like, oh my God, what if I don't get the people? What if people aren't willing to pay money for all this, you know, and then the flight, the whole thing, and just kind of started freaking out that I wasn't gonna be able to fill up the retreat. And then that next moment came where I just like had like, oh, it's gonna happen because I have me. I have me on my team. I'm gonna, I know that I know how to market, I know that I know how to share about it, I know that I know how to just keep on going. I know that like I have a willingness in me and like a know how to like really push something when I'm excited about it. Like, I I've got me. I'm cool. It literally is like you hiring someone on your team who you just know is freaking fantastic and like you can count on them for everything, even communicate to them, they know what you want, that kind of person. Imagine that being you. Imagine putting a schedule together for yourself and you know that it's gonna happen because you've got you who's doing it. How amazing would that feel? And yes, getting support is also amazing. You want to hire the coach. I mean, hello, I'm not gonna tell you not to hire the coach. Hire the freaking coach. They're amazing. We are amazing. We really help you get to where you want to go like ten times sooner than you could on your own. But the combination of a coach and self-accountability, that is something like no other. You also want to join the Facebook group. You want to, you know, maybe find an accountability buddy who's like on the same path as you. Those are beautiful bonuses, but don't make them the source of your accountability. That's what you don't want to do. Right? Let them boost you up, but not what you are relying on in order to do the thing. Because that real power is learning how to show up for yourself when no one is watching. Like that's the best hack there is, honestly. Like, there's no other better hack than that. So that's what I got for you guys. I want you guys to be able to really feel like you can rely on yourselves and that you could trust yourself, that if you're you say something to yourself and you put out, you know, and you create a schedule or you just say to yourself that you want to do something, that you know that you're gonna do it because it was you who said that. And truly, when we take ourselves away from over-generalizing and making big things like, well, I've never done this before, and I, you know, I can't imagine ever doing this because it's never happened and da da-da-da. But then we slow ourselves down and we start to really look. Well, okay, let's see, how many times did I actually do this? And it's not that I never did it. I've done it sometimes, I've done it a few times, I've done it three times, I haven't done it five times. Getting specific is going to be huge. So our brains aren't left with like, I don't know, I'm not sure, and then the whole thing is put to rest and nothing happens at all. No, let's get our brains out of confusion and into clarity so we can start moving forward and start to really be able to count on ourselves. All right, guys, that is what I've got for you today. I love you so much. And just remember, please, if you want to be taking all everything that we are learning and doing here on this podcast into a totally different level, level of depth, you have two opportunities to do that. One is getting on a one-on-one consult with me and having an hour together where we can really talk about where you are, where you want to go, what the steps would potentially be, who I am, get a little one-on-one time with me is always a fun thing. Um, the other opportunity is jumping on the next monthly free group coaching call that I host once a month. And you can hop onto my website to check out the dates and the time in order to register, which is tomorrowcoaching.com slash group. And thank you for listening to the podcast week after week. Don't forget to leave a review or stars and just you know, share with the world how much you love this. And I'm loving it on you guys so much. Have a beautiful day, beautiful week. Can't wait to see you guys next time or not see, but listen in and hear each other out. I love you guys so much. Have a great week.