8 Things I Wish I Knew at 20

If I could sit my 20-year-old self down for a cup of tea, here’s what I’d tell her.

In this episode, I share eight lessons I wish I’d learned sooner—about fear, self-trust, pain, rest, purpose, and what it really means to live as a human in this wild world. These are the truths I now pass on to my kids, my clients, and the next generation of brave little humans trying to figure it out.

Whether you’re 20 or 60, these lessons are for the younger version of you still learning how to feel at home in herself.

 Share this episode with someone younger—or with the 20-year-old still living inside of you.

And if you’d love support applying these lessons to your own life or business, you can book a free consult.

Links:

Free Monthly Group Coaching Call:

www.tamarcoaching.com/group

Free 1:1 Consult:

www.tamarcoaching.com/consult

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:12

Hey hey my loves, how y'all doing over there? I hope you're doing good. I'll tell you how I'm doing right now. I'm feeling very warm and toasty at the moment. And not because I just spent a juicy hour sunning outside. In fact, actually the exact opposite. Because, you know, we just bought a new ice bath. Our last one broke, and this one damn is it is freaking cold. It's got all these icicles on it, like from the get-go. Our old one took a very long time to get the ice icicles going. But this one, it is really, really cold. And before I hopped on to here to start recording this for you guys, I hopped into there to take a quick ice bath. And the funny thing about when you do ice bath and you know dunk in some kind of cold water, what happens afterwards is the exact opposite, which is you feel warm and toasty, and your body knows exactly what to do, how to keep you warm, and it's a pretty amazing thing. But you know, full disclosure, I'm not really an ice bather. My other people in my family are. I'm an I'm a I'm just for my credit though, I am a sea winter plunger. I go to the sea and I plunge in the wintertime, although we don't live in the Pacific Ocean, but it gets cold, okay? But the truth is I might become an ice bather because the after is just so freaking good. I'm feeling like awake, alive, toasty, and I'm actually a very cold-blooded person. My my circulation, my blood circulation is awful. So I'm enjoying it. By the way, we had a couple years ago this guy over for Shabbat. We didn't know him, we just met him and his girlfriend and a couple other people. And he shared with us that he, you know, he's like a fitness guy. He does like he trains a lot of um army, you know, army people and whatever. And he shared with us that he's a podcaster and his podcast that takes place in the ice bath. So if you want to be a guest on his podcast, you have to do it in the ice bath with him. He showed me clips. It is hilarious. And kind of cool, you know. Anyway, just though it was so funny I can imagine doing this like an entire podcast with you guys right now in the ice bath. That would be a different story. Anyways, before we jump, jump, jump in, I just want to remind you guys, or tell you for the first time if you didn't know, I am running these really beautiful monthly free live group coaching calls for all the entrepreneurs, all the business owners, all the folks have got stuff going on in their brains all the time. I'm opening, I open up my space once a month to coach the hell out of anybody who's willing to get coached. And if you're not willing to get coached, you can just sit back, relax, and just witness the beauty of what coaching is like. So you should hop in. Our next one, you know, is coming up. And you can, you know, go ahead. You can actually hop on my website, tomarcoaching.com slash group, to find out the exact dates and how to register. You literally have to just register and then show up. That is the two things you have to do. So I hope I get to see some of you guys there. That would be very fun. All right, I got something a little special and a little different for you guys today. A little less, here are five steps to get out of your perfectionism. And which I do love my five steps to get out of perfectionism. I don't want to, you know, say anything bad about that, but it's more loose and go with it today. So, and the crazy thing, by the way, is that, you know, I'm sitting here recording it. And right before I push record, it like clicked and dawned on me that this is the 20th episode of Brave Little Things. And on this 20th episode, I'm recording a special episode for you guys called The Eight Things I Wish I Knew at 20. I mean random, I'm not sure, but pretty damn cool, I think. So, you know, it really kind of came. This is what happened. I'll tell you why I decided to record a podcast on this today. And I'm actually I'm really excited for this podcast. Because, you know, lately I've been working with a lot of 19, 20, 21 year olds. I don't know even how it happened because it's not like my niche. You know, my niche is usually mamas with businesses and kids and workout classes and shopping and all that kind of stuff. But somehow a lot of that age group have been finding their way to me. You know, usually it's usually through their parents. They'll reach out and be like, my daughter's feeling lost, my son could use some guidance. A lot of the time it's been from past clients who are like, My niece must work with you. I actually just a couple months ago went to one of my clients' weddings. She's 21 now, maybe she's 20, super young, got married, and she was brought to me from one of one of my favorite clients. And so, anyways, I've been loving the this group and I've been really thinking about them. And it's really it's such a deep, I really do. It's like I love these guys. I love this age group, and it's it's been really special. You know, I think because I feel also, I will say, I feel very young at heart. I definitely connect to this age group. I remember those years so vividly, the confusion and the pressure and the wide open possibilities, and I have a lot of compassion for them and and excitement for what they where they're at. I also have my own teenage kid. I have well a bunch of teenage kids, but my oldest is 19. So it's just been fun to like watch them. So, you know, I've been coaching them and also just like coaching my kids or talking to my kids, and I would catch myself thinking, wow, I wish I knew this when I was 20. Or God, what would my life be if I knew this at 20 years old? Like everything would have been different. Like if I could sit, you know, my thoughts like if I could sit with with my 20-year-old self down for a cup of tea, you know, and get cozy, like imagine like me and her sitting like at the beach together in these little like flip chairs that I have and hang out with her for an hour. Like, what would I want her to know? So that's where this episode came to life. The eight things I wish I knew at 20 years old. And if you've got a young adult in your life, your kid, your niece, your best friend, your, you know, your your best friend's son, although your best friend could totally be that age group, no judgments. I think that's freaking awesome. Your babysitter, you know, send it, send this. Just push, you know, send to them via WhatsApp, whatever. But also, if you're listening and thinking, well, I'm not 20, but still, there is a very much a 20-year-old still living inside of you. And also, this is obviously not just for 20-year-olds, but all these lessons are, you know, are on replay for me daily. We need to be reminded over and over on these different kinds of lessons that I'm gonna be sharing with you guys today. So, and honestly, guys, every episode of this podcast could probably fall under this category. Things I wish I'd learned sooner in my life. But obviously, I'm not gonna spend like seven billion hours with you guys today. So, so just want to like also disclosure, I want you to take what resonates with you. Some lessons will land like lightning bolts, like holy crap, thank you for that. My life just completely shifted. Others might not be for you at all, or they might be for you later on, and that's okay. They are just all invitations, that's all they are. So take what you want and you know, put to the side what you don't want. All right, I say, here we go. Let's jump. All right, guys, lesson number one is mind your own business. Mind your own beeswax. You guys remember saying, like I remember that I was a kid. Mind your own beeswax. Mind your own business. There are only three kinds of businesses in life. There is my business, there is your business, and there is God's business. And the only one I actually have business being in is mine. I love this one. This one completely changed my life. It means, you know, I don't need to waste energy thinking about what other people think of me or what they might say about what I do. I can't control it anyway. As much as we try to control it and believe somewhere that we can control it, thinking about it, worrying about it, trying to manage it. I mean, you know, parents out there, I'm sure you can relate to this tremendously, especially with our kids, right? We try to manage and control so much, but none of that ever helps, ever. Right? What it does is the opposite. It just drains our energy, leave us frustrated, leave us with no energy or creativity or resourcefulness for our own, right, for our own selves. It doesn't work. So I say, you know, we shouldn't be focusing on, you know, what another person thinks about us or what they think about something. We want to ask and turn the question to like, well, what do I think about me? What do I think about that? It also means letting go of trying to control things that are completely out of your hands. That's what I call like God's business. And I've really learned this in the deepest, hardest way, probably these past two years living here in Israel during the war. There are so many moments of helplessness, of fear, of grief, of disbelief, where I had to face that truth that there are sim simply there are things I cannot control. I will ha I don't have any control over it at all, which is really a hard thing for us humans, right? It's very scary that we don't have control of certain kinds of things. And when I can surrender those things back to God or the universe or whatever name you use for that higher force, I immediately get my energy back. I immediately immediately have this like and I stop leaking my energy and I can actually do something with it. I think this is a really good example, actually. When the war broke out on October 7th, 2023, obviously I was in shock like everybody else. So I was angry, I was sad, I was frozen, I was in disbelief. And then I realized, you know, I can't control what happened. I cannot control all the different pieces of what happened, how devastating this is, but I can control what I do now, how I can serve my people, how I can serve my my kids, my family, myself. So I started offering free group coaching for people who are who are really struggling. I opened up groups, I think for it was first for just Jewish people, maybe Israeli people, like, and then Jewish people, and then a little bit more, because I know that there are so many people um outside of the Jewish community that really were also struggling. And I just opened up these free group coaching peop groups for people to come and process and just be together. And I would also volunteered weekly on farms when our foreign workers had to go home because of the war and our other farmers were fighting. And I helped create a mentor database for soldiers and Nova survivors to re rebuild their lives, to hook them up with a wise mentor owl to help them build, you know, a business or write a book or anything that they're their dreams to really help their dreams come to life because they were, you know, their lives were really put on hold. And that is my business. All those things, what can I do? What sh how should I be showing up? What do I think about myself right now in this time? That's my business. I didn't fix everything, right? All these kinds of things. I couldn't fix the fact that we had hostages trapped and soldiers being killed, and you know, Gazans who were innocent being destroyed as well, right? But I could do certain kinds of things, and that really grounded me and allowed me to know where I should put my energy. And I saw the pattern all around me. People who focused on what was theirs to hold were the ones who found resiliency during this time, who were able to also go into their own little world and do things. Like I know from my husband, he, you know, he's a vegan rabbi, if you didn't know. And so he started raising crazy funds. Apparently, there the vegan and vegetarian soldiers had they did not have food. They did not have the food, they did not have the proteins and things like that. So he raised crazy money and personally would go and drop off meals, hot, fresh, unbelievable vegan vegetarian meals all over the country. And I saw this in so many different people. So people went went into what they are really good at and just totally stepped up and made things happen. And the ones who tried to control the uncontrollable, right, on the flip side, I saw that they were the ones who were deeply falling apart. Like, you know, really just couldn't control. They just like were falling apart from the pieces from fall falling apart from the, I don't know what. They're just falling apart. So, you know, here's a little exercise that I did and I do still to this day every morning, which is, oh my God, it's like seriously. Talk about self-care. This really feels like a deep, deep, deep self-care piece that I do for myself every day. But I make I create two to-do lists. Not not because like I have a schedule for myself. So it's not like I start from scratch, but I create two to-do lists. One that is for me, and on that list I put everything that's actually in my control. You know, I need to take this kid to this friend's house, I'm I'm on dinner duty this, you know, tonight, coaching this client today, recording this podcast, all those kinds of things. And then I make a second list that I title God's to-do list. And that one includes things that I have no control over, right? That, you know, you know, if my if I have a child who's sick, to please just get this kid better, heal them up, and make them feel great. Bring our hostages home now, safely, healthy, all those kinds of things. You know, heal the hearts of all the people all over the world who are hurting so tremendously and who are at war with one another, both in the real world and online. And anything that I literally don't have control over, I am handing it over to God so that I can now get busy with my list. And it helps me focus, it helps me keep my energy together, and it helps me get things done in this world. And it's it's really an amazing thing. So I I highly suggest you try it. If you've seen, you've seen me on my stories. I've shared pieces here and there with my to-do list so people get an idea of what that looks like. Okay, lesson two that I want to pass on to all the 20-year-olds out there and all the 50-year-olds and all the 80-year-olds and all the things. You don't have to fight for your legacy, your legacy, because your legacy is done as a done deal. Okay? You don't have to go out there and fight for it. When I first started my business, I had this intense drive to make my mark. I had been home with my kids for years and on the side doing work that didn't feel like me at all, really brainless, like did not have any emotion connect to it, connected to it. So when I finally started building something of my own and something that was so exciting to me, I was desperate, I was desperate to matter, to like leave this legacy. I remember like I remember making reels and videos and talking about folks, like trying to invite them into my coaching container, like if you want to leave your legacy. But what I learned is I don't need to fight for that. My existence, my love, my energy, the tiny moments of how I show up, that's my legacy. And that's already been marked. The second I enter this world, and then all the other little things that I did along the way, that's what is my my quote unquote legacy. It almost makes me a little, honestly, it's a little embarrassing how like I'm just thinking back about all these times and all these videos and all these different things of how I would like, you know, how really want people to come into my container so they can like leave their legacy and just how differently I feel about it now. Because it's like fighting, it basically seems to me, and you know, some people might totally disagree with this, it just feels like you're kind of fighting for your worth. That's what it feels like, but in a in a fancier kind of way. It's almost kind of like, you know, perfectionism is like a fancier version of just bottom line fear. It feels like when you're like, I gotta leave my legacy. It's kind of like saying like it's in an okay-ish way, like, I'm fighting for my worth. And you don't have to. You don't have to. The fact that you were born, you are here, you are worthy. Every single day, I'm sure you do things that are like planting beautiful seeds for gardens to grow. Little things like I'm just thinking about like my I have a stray cat who for the past year who I love so deeply, and he is living like a freaking king, let me tell you. I mean, my kids make fun of me because I hook him up, but you know, I feed him first of all. He doesn't have to go out and find food on his own. He's got a safe space. If there's any other kind of cat that's coming to like take his food, I yell at them. And I just like take care of him. And I just kind of feel like that's kind of my legacy. For whatever reason, I was brought down to like be this cat's guardian and love this cat and let this cat love me. So, you know, but the whole idea of like that we have to like prove that we're worthy, we just don't. It's like it's like with our kids, right? Especially when they're little, they don't have to earn our love. They're just loved just by being who they are. You know, I was like, I remember I was sharing this with a client of mine, this moment, this memory of this one particular day with my youngest, who's now nine, but he was like two-two at the time. We had one of those classic toddler days where he, you know, started the day off, the morning off, we're opening up the fridge and pouring an entire thing of my husband's coal brew all over himself. So he had like grains all over him. Our house smelled amazing, but there was a huge mess. And and then after my kid big kids were he came home from school, we went to the library to go get them books. And he sang like every song he could remember, uh every Hanukkah song on the top of his lungs over and over and over where we got kicked out of the library. Totally fair enough. It was really annoying. And then we came home and he tried to flush his sister's favorite playmobile down the toilet while yelling at her for interrupting him. It was like total chaos. But and I'm saying it now, like I'm kind of laughing and just like there's a lot of love there for my kid. And I still I felt that exact same way when he was doing it. Like it was crazy, it was chaotic, but also just like I freaking love this guy, you know. That's how it is for us. We don't need to prove anything. We can be total freaking, we could be pouring cold brew all over ourselves and um screaming on the top of our lungs some songs, and you are still lovable, and you do not approve anything, and you do not approve your legacy, right? Because, you know, that you this is this is you were born for a reason, and it's not like a particular one moment, time, and a job or a shift of somebody else that made you the reason why you're here. I don't need to prove that, right? I already belong, you already belong. I'm already leaving little marks of love all over the place. So are you all the time. Okay? So when I truly trust that, I can relax. I can have fun, I can have fun in my life, I can have fun in my business, and when I feel relaxed and I'm having fun, you know what else happens? You have access to your creativity, your resourcefulness, and momentum in your business as well as in your life. And that is true for you as well. So it's actually the very first thing I do with my clients, truly, when we start coaching. I we really kind of go into this piece of like letting go of like, you know, letting go of needing to be leaving a legacy and proving our worth and recognizing that we've already done that over and over and over in our lives, and so that we can enter this space, this coaching container of of building our businesses with a lot of fun, which is is really which is which is fun. It's freaking fun. Okay, three. You guys ready for three? All right, you're ready. Go to sleep angry. I know you've heard the old advice. Never go to sleep angry. I know I've heard that a lot. Never go to sleep angry, and I'm telling you, my advice to you is go to freaking sleep angry. That is the bottom line. You should. Sometimes the best thing you could do for yourself or your relationship is to stop trying to fix it at midnight and just freaking go to bed. Because honestly, most of the time, you're not mad. You're just exhausted and you're done. And sleep is magic. It resets everything. It totally allows you to shift to stop and put it all to the side and get the rest that you need. I like to think of each night at the end of one little life. I like to think of it each night, like when you go to bed, is the end of one lifetime, and each morning you wake up is the start of another. I really like that idea. And so it's like that. When you wake up, you can see things clearly again. You know, one thing that my husband and I started practicing, and it's been really amazing and really it's been helped help with, you know, when you're in a conflict and it's hard to get out, basically is that one person, if there's like, if the if the person, if there's one person who's got something going on, that they're the one who's got the issue, they will present it to the other person. They will, you know, share. And the other person does not say a thing, does not interrupt, does not respond, does not anything at all. Okay. And then we leave the conversation, the other person goes off, they take their time as long as they need. It could be a day, two days, you know, four days. Usually it's not longer than four days. And then when they're ready, they ask to come back to the conversation, back to the table, and then they share what they have to say about what the other person said. So there's this break, this reset, this, you know, going to sleep, if you want to say, kind of moment. And it allows us to kind of drop the fight and be there with the other person. It gives everything space to breathe, which is really an amazing thing. So, yes, guys, go to sleep angry. Giving yourself a break between, feeling intense, full on emotions, and how you react to them, it might just be the kindest thing you can do for everyone in your life, but especially for you. So go to sleep angry. All right, four. There's always another story to be told. For every story you tell yourself about your life. There are at least 25 other versions that could be true. So if you're stuck in a painful one, I'm failing, I'm behind in this, I should have done this differently. Ask yourself, how else can I tell the story? Right? You can give yourself full like time and like exploring that story. Like, I'm behind. Why do I believe I'm behind? What am I, you know, what are the different things of why I'm behind? Like go to town with that story. But then take time to ask yourself, okay, now how else can I tell this story? Because your um emotions are the compass. If your story makes you feel small, hopeless, tight, closed, it's probably not the one you want to keep telling. And bottom line, guys, all the things that we tell ourselves, although they feel very factual and very, you know, this is just how it is. Like I'm not even making this up. It is all made up, literally. And so I say, why not make up the things that actually make you feel good, make you feel confident, make you feel like you want to do these things, get it done, make it happen. You can try, this is a really good trick that I love. This is like a hack that I do with myself, I do with my clients. Try seeing it from someone else's perspective if it's hard to figure out, find another story in there for yourself. You can ask, okay, I'm telling myself this story, but what would my mom say if she knew all the details? Or my best friend, or Oprah Rinfrey, or J Lo or I don't know, whoever. How would they tell the story? Right? Maybe you think I'm not consistent. I can't freaking be consistent. And J Lo might say, You're an artist in process. This is part of being an artist. Right? Maybe you think, I can't figure this out. But your future self might say, You're just learning what matters. This is a beautiful part of the process. So every story is optional. You want to pick one that will set you free. That is the main, main thing that we want to look at. All right. You ready?

unknown: 24:47

Five.

SPEAKER_00: 24:49

Five, five, five. Okay, fear. We need to know that fear is always first. She is always the first one in the room, but she's not in charge. Just because she's first and she's bossy and she's loud does not mean that she's in charge. Think about like, you know, think about like when either your kids or yourself when you were like in fourth grade. There's always that like girl that's like super loud, super bossy, thinks she runs the whole show. And she's not, she's really just a ball of fear. That's literally what she is. She's not in charge at all. But she's got she'll always have things to say. So you always have to process it and you have to be always aware and on it. But she's not in charge, just like your fear is not in charge. And, you know, this is this this one felt like really when I like kind of was started a relationship, started creating a relationship with my fear, really everything changed. And and specifically knowing, okay, I know no matter what is happening, fear is gonna be the first thing that enters. And it allows me to prepare for it, right? It allows me to be like, right, okay, just to know in advance that I'm gonna fear fearful, because that's the first thing that enters enters the room, but then afterwards there's so many other things. All right. Now, when fear shows up, instead of pushing her away, what I do now, what I have learned to do is I talk to her, like literally, like literally out loud. I either talk to her or also I write letters. That's also a good one. Like I'll go to the beach and say, Hey fear, I see you. I know you're trying to protect me. Here is what's happening. I'm leading a workshop workshop next week, and I am feeling very nervous. And and I've got all this nerves happening, and I know that's coming from you. I know that you're feeling very fearful about this. And I want to let you know that you can totally come. The workshop is at 8 p.m. and I'll give the details. You can totally show up with me, but do know that you're going to not be standing with me when I'm doing the presentation. You'll be sitting in the back row watching. Okay. And I know it sounds funny, but it works because I'm not busy trying to push fear away. I'm being like, you can totally hang out with me. It's totally fine. But I will be clear, I'm creating boundaries with fear. Like, you totally can come, but you should know that you're not allowed to be here. You're allowed to be only in the back row, and you're not allowed to say anything. And you're not allowed to do this, and you're not to do that. But if you want to come with those things in mind, go ahead and come. Right? So, because the goal here isn't to eliminate fear, it's to build a friendship with it, to recognize that it's just part of you doing its job, it's part of its doing its job. It's the part of that happens when you do big things, right? You're not gonna feel fear if you're sitting on the couch watching your favorite Netflix show, you know, eating your favorite popcorn. That's not gonna happen. But if you're out there trying to do stuff, which I know that my people, you guys who are here sitting and listening and really creating brave lives and really trying to step out, that fear is gonna come up over and over again. So why not just welcome her in? All right, number six. Taking care of yourself is not, and I repeat, is not selfish. This one's huge, guys. This one's huge, it's huge for me, it's huge for every woman on this planet. It's probably huge for it's probably huge for men too, but I do have to say I gotta get major things. I think this is a big thing for women mostly. But taking care of yourself, like really taking care is not selfish. And in fact, not taking you care of yourself is for most of my life, I believe the opposite. Obviously, I didn't believe it consciously, it was completely a subconscious kind of thought, but I definitely did not believe I thought being selfless made me a good mom, a good wife, a good human. But I thank God realized that running on empty was not really working for anybody. Because I was not nice and I was not happy, and I was not giving, and I was not connecting to like my true all the good things that I've got going inside here that I could give to other people and the world and myself was not happening. So what I did was I started really small, which was, you know, it's definitely a big thing to ask somebody who's lived a lifetime of completely like not taking care of themselves and putting themselves last and really believing that taking care of yourself means that you are selfish. Big ask to be like, so just start loving yourself. Self-love, right? A big ask. So I started with just being friendlier to myself. You know, the kind that you're like, the kind that like if you're like bumping into someone in the health food store and you're like, oh sorry, I'm so sorry, go ahead, you know, you know, that that level of basic decency, that's all you that's where you want to start with yourself. Just kind of like, oh, it wasn't that bad. You know, like speaking to yourself in like a decent kind of way, the same way you would with somebody you, a stranger at the at the grocery store, or you know, even maybe one of your children or a friend, acquaintance, or whatever it is. Just like be decent with yourself. Start there, and then you can build from there. So, and now I'm definitely even way beyond obvious the the decency piece. I'm like fully, I'm fully in love with myself, guys. I'm really, I'm so grateful. I'm so grateful they get to be me in this lifetime. And you know, obviously we're not talking about this like narcissistic kind of love. Love, right? That's like a whole different kind of thing. That's kind of that's a belief that you are better than other people. This is not what we're talking about. We are talking about the kind where we understand and recognize how amazing you are and how amazing everybody else gets to be also. They get to recognize that as well. You know, I'm gonna tell you guys a story. This is a great story. I love it. I learned this powerful story from Sharon Salzberg, who you may or may not know, an amazing meditation teacher, um, pretty famous meditation teacher, told through Elizabeth Gilbert, who you guys know hopefully by now. She's one of my big mentors. When Sharon, Sharon was one of the first delegations that met the Dalai Lama, like way back in the day, I don't know, maybe in the 80s or something. She was part of the group that got to meet the Dalai Lama. And she and her group, when they met with him, they got to like ask different kinds of questions. And one question that was asked was, What do what does Buddha Buddhists and your teachings teach about self-hatred? And he did not understand the question. He like did not, he kept on asking his translator, because at the time he did not speak English, he understands English, to retranslate it, because he like literally could not understand the concept of self-hatred. And they kept translating it in all different kinds of ways, and he kept asking, wait, who is hating whom? Like, I don't understand. Who's hating whom? And at that moment they realized, you know, in his world, that's not even a thing. In the eastern world, it's not a thing. This whole self-hatred and self-loathing is not a thing. In the West, we think working on ourselves means fixing ourselves, right? But the real work is like it's a it was like an interesting kind of situation because you know, in the Eastern world, they're in a place where they, you know, the lot of his teachings will teach about, like Buddhism will teach about being less precious.

unknown: 32:12

Right?

SPEAKER_00: 32:12

A lot of being like being less precious, you know, like humility and humble and being less precious. But the only reason they got there was because self-hatred is not a thing. Because the first step in all of this is actually self-love, self-appreciation, self-trust. Once we get to that place, then we can powerfully and strongly bring in the humility and bring in the, you know, believing that we're like less precious, that we can we're kind of dust of the earth kind of thing. So it's just a really interesting thing, how like, you know, culturally, he did not understand what self-hatred was because it's not a thing in in their Eastern traditions and the Eastern, you know, culture where like self-hatred is rampant. Being as being a coach, you know, and having coached so many people, I could tell you that this is the number one thing. So much that part of me, there is part of me that's kind of like, maybe just screw the business coaching and just coach people on this because it is so massive and so huge. And obviously, you know, this is like a huge part of like growing in business, growing in anything that you want to do if you're dating, whatever it is. Anyways, okay, number seven. Pain is an inevitable. Suffering is an option, is optional. Okay. Yeah, guys, pain and suffering, they're not the same thing. And we really don't understand that, and we oftentimes don't understand what is pain and what is suffering. Life hurts. It does. Oh my god, does it hurt? And it's supposed to, like we humans. That means that like 50% of our experience is joy, happiness, fun, everything like that. And 50% is meant to be pain. Obviously, that's not a perfect equation, you know, it's never that, but it's, you know, it's basically like part of it is supposed to be painful, part of it is supposed to be happy and joyful. But suffering, that's the part that we, that is human, created. That is not how it's supposed to be, right? Pain's what if pain were to speak, it would say, This hurts. This really hurts. And it comes from a place of like, this hurts, and it's and something that's supposed to be. Like it's supposed to hurt. Like if someone dies, that is very painful, right? If you go through a really, really hard and harsh divorce, there's grief and there's there's pain there as well, right? And that's kind of supposed to be. But suffering says, this means that some that there's something terrible about me. It kind of takes it and translates it into making it a bigger picture thing, right? This means that the world is never going to be safe. And that brings us a lot of suffering. This means that I'll never be lovable. This brings us to another world of suffering, takes us away from pain and into suffering. And when we resist the pain, we deny it, we try to overthink it, that's when we suffer the most. But when we allow it, we grow. We grow, we grow, we grow. I know during the war, I had to learn how to stay with the pain without drowning in it, without taking it to a place of suffering, of like, like I was saying, like this world is no longer safe anymore. Everybody hates us. It's never safe to go traveling because people are gonna say things and maybe hurt us and try to keep, you know, like I had to be very present. And so I would cry a lot, a lot. I would have lots of time in the shower crying, in the car, or wherever I had to. I also moved my body constantly. I took slow walks all the time. I made space to feel everything without letting it swallow me whole, and sometimes even schedule a cry song. I would choose a song. There are different, different times, and I'd literally just go in and I into the car, usually with the car, sometimes a shower, and I would just let myself cry for those three point twenty-second, you know, song. And then I'd move on, and then I'd go coach my clients and I do all the kind of things because pain has a purpose. It's not a bad thing. But suffering does not. Pain will transform us. You know, we go through these breakthroughs, we go through these hard things, and we are transformed. We are transformed oftentimes to our next version of ourselves. But suffering, that will just trap us in the same place. All right, let that one sink in. It's a big one. Number eight, our last lesson for the day. Ask better questions. And this one is super spiritual and very powerful. And actually just came up in a session with a client of mine yesterday or a couple days ago when she was really like, you know, want asking these questions and they wasn't getting the answers that she that made sense to her. So I've learned that the why, asking why, is rarely a spiritual question, rarely a question where I will get answers that I that will that will make me grow into a uh, you know, grow and learn. Our brains ask why all day long, right? It's not just the three-year-olds, if anyone has toddlers out there, it's not just them, it's also us. Why did this happen? Why am I like this? Why can't I get it together? And the answer is usually be just because, right? Because, which tells us nothing. So instead, I start asking better questions, more quality questions. Not why me, but what do I need to know right now?

unknown: 37:35

Right?

SPEAKER_00: 37:35

And again, this sometimes will ask, I'll like ask this in the direction of God, a different of something that's beyond me, my force, sometimes just to my future self, whatever, you know, something that is outside of me in the present moment now. Not questions like, why is this happening? Ugh, that's so worst, guys. It just like, and why is this happening to me? What happens? You just go into this like, you know, entitled kind of place, a place that never moves you anywhere. Instead, I ask, who do I want to be in this moment? Who do I want to be in this moment? Not why can't I figure this out, but how could this be easier? Even how could this also not be true? That's also a good one. Oftentimes in our s our minds are stuck on a particular, you know, thought or you know, question or whatever it is, and then asking ourselves the flip, okay, I know that you believe this, I know that you've been telling me this, you know, you're talking to yourself again, your brain. But also, how could this also not be true? And that's when you start to kind of wiggle things loose a little bit, and you start to play around, you start to see that maybe, just maybe, there are other possibilities out there that could also be true. Hmm. That would be interesting. Right? These kinds of questions move you out of victim energy and more into curiosity and connection, which feels so much better, you guys, Nikon. Right? Like it's like the victim energy is just intense, it's heavy, it's obviously you can't move from it, but curiosity connection is freaking fantastic. So when my brain offer offers me a why, I like to flip it and ask, okay, what if I ask something better instead? And almost every time that one shift brings me back to myself. It's really an amazing thing. So those are the eight lessons for the day, for the life, you know, and definitely feel free to review them to pick. I would love to hear from you guys which ones really resonated with you. If there's one particular one that felt like, ooh, how did you know I needed that today? That was amazing. I would I would love to know which ones like felt really particularly exciting for you. I could even like I literally could make a podcast on each of these eight separately, like a 30-minute podcast on like each of them. So, yeah, like I could really go on too. I could keep on keep on going, but I we won't. This will be it for today. All right, guys. So if you've got, you know, a youngster in your life, a young adult, or just somebody who, yeah, you could like they they could use these. This is really good. They could use one of these particular ones that feel like they could really speak to them, please send them this episode. And, you know, let, you know, share it on your story, share it on your WhatsApp groups, whatever it is, just pass it along. And if you want to take these lessons deeper, which I think that most, many of you who are listening here are all are feeling that, right? Podcasts are so amazing. They are such a blessing. I myself gain so much from podcasts, but there's always just a level that you can go with a podcast. And if you want to go deeper and you really want to study this work and you really want this work to be a part of who you are and how you run your life and how you run your business and your relationships and all your stuff, I'd love to be the one to help integrate this with you. And you can do those in the two ways. You can either show up to that group coaching call that I told you, just head to tomarcoaching.com slash group and find out when the next group coaching call is and hop on that. And also, you I also have a free one-on-one consult. And that's a time for us to meet, for me to hear what's going on with you, where you are, where you want to be, and I help you really look and see like what the solution here is how to how to help you get there. And that is also a free call. So you just can hop onto my website, tomorrow coaching.comslash consult, and just go ahead and book a time slot that works for you, and we'll hop on that call. And I'll put all this in the show notes so you'll have all the different links. That is it, you guys. Thank you as always for listening, for growing with me, for being here, for being my tribe. I love you all so much. Have a beautiful day.