Work-Life Balance

We’ve all been sold the idea that “balance” is the secret to being a good parent, partner, and business owner. But what if chasing balance is actually what’s making you feel worse?

In this episode, we flip the script on work-life balance and invite you to think differently about how you spend your time and energy. I share personal stories about overcorrecting after motherhood, learning to name my seasons, and discovering that true peace doesn’t come from perfect balance, it comes from presence, alignment, and intention.

If you’ve ever felt guilty for working too much, or guilty for not working enough, this one will feel like a deep exhale.

 Tune in to explore:

• Why “balance” is often the wrong goal
• How to make peace with different seasons of focus
• Why your kids seeing you lit up by your work is powerful parenting
• The sacredness of choosing where your energy goes

To register for my free group coaching monthly call:

https://www.tamarcoaching.com/group

To book yourself a 1:1 consult with me:

https://www.tamarcoaching.com/consult

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:13

Hey, hey friends, how you doin'? What's going on? Fun to have you back here. I just love hanging out with you guys week after week, talking about all different kinds of cool topics. So much fun. Alright, before we dive in, a couple little quickies I want to get to. First of all, I want to say that I've been getting lots of juicy, amazing messages from folks all over the world, which is so cool. Just saying, hey, I want to let you know that I'm loving the podcast. And they'll go on to quote a couple things from the podcast or which particular episode they're grooving with, how they're like implementing it into their lives. You know, people are doing things. They're like doing stuff with this info. And it's so amazing. And I love, love, love that you guys are reaching out and telling me because I feel like when I come into my little office, my little studio, and I record a podcast for you guys, I really feel like it's this little like love note that I'm sending off to you guys week after week. And then when I hear from you and you tell me how it's touched you and moved you and which one you particularly love and this and that, I feel like you're sending a love note back to me. So this is like beautiful exchange. So I just want to say, keep on sending them. Right? Like I literally, before I came in to the office, I got a message from somebody who said to me, I'll tell you, I'll read it to you. She said, Your latest podcast really resonated with me. It's literally what I'm working on recently, and I'm like, literally is my plan for tomorrow. Figuring out who I want to be, what my values are, and setting intentions and a plan to become her. Thank you so much. This podcast is meaning so much to me. I mean, come on, guys. Come on. There's like just so much love. I can't even. I mean, I can't even. So, anyways, keep on keep on saying the notes because it really is. It feels like we're building something here for real when I get these messages back. The other thing is connected to enjoying loving the podcast, which I imagine that you do if you're sitting here with me week after week. Could you please share it with one, at least one other person today? You can think about something someone very specific that you feel like would really love the podcast. And you could, you know, hit share directly, send it to them via WhatsApp, post it on your stories if you want to, send it out, you know, to your family WhatsApp group, whatever it is. But this that's how this thing grows, person by person. It's very grassroots-y, which is why I love it. And, you know, honestly, if you've been coming back each week, I just want to say thank you. It means so much to me for you to be here with me. So we're building something cool here. Lastly, I want to say, at the time of recording, at the time of launching this particular episode, I have also launched something new and very fun in my business, which is a free group coaching call that I'm going to be implementing once a month. And I don't know how long I'm going to do it for, but I'm doing it for some time. And so for today is our first call, actually, today, October 21st, at 8 p.m. Israel time, 1 p.m. Eastern time, I believe, and then you guys can figure out the rest for yourselves wherever you are. It's a totally free call. It's an hour together once a month where you can come, listen in, watch me coach. If you feel brave, get coached yourself. It's especially for entrepreneurs who want to show up more consistently, more creatively, and with more confidence in their business. And we're just going to go in and coach the freak out of your brains there and get you to where you want to go. And, you know, it really the best way to really get the whole coaching concept is experience it live and experience what I am as a coach and how it works. So you can um hop on to my website at www.tamarcoaching.com slash group to register for this call. Again, it's totally free, and then I'll be putting up one every month for I don't know how long. So definitely register for that, which is really fun. All right. You guys came here to talk about work-life balance, and that's what we're gonna do. We're gonna talk about work-life balance. Or or are we? Or are we more gonna be talking about work-life out of balance or imbalanced, or how would you say the opposite of balance? Whatever that is, that's what we're gonna talk about today. Because you know how I like to change things up. I'm sure you guys know that about me already. So here's my intention for today. In the next few minutes, I want to challenge the way we've been taught to think about balance and the whole work-life balance idea. Because the story out there is if you can nail balance, you can be a good parent, you can be a good partner, a good business owner, a good friend, basically a good everything. Balance gets sold to us like this magic formula, like it's totally attainable. You just want to like, you know, all those kinds of things. So, but what if, what if balance isn't the real goal? And what if chasing balance is actually making us feel worse and worse, which is what I truly believe. I think this whole concept and idea is made up, is not actually a thing, and that we're chasing something that does not exist and can't really exist, and it can't really exist if we want to live a life that feels so alive and enriching and aligned with who we want to be. So, you know, I've been talking to a lot of people this week about work-life balance, which is why I was like, you know what, let's bring it to the podcast. Let's have this conversation because most conversations about balance start with the same questions. How do I get it? How do I do it? How do I do it all? How do I live a life where I'm constantly productive and making money at my job or in my business? Take my kids swimming in the afternoons, read the books at nighttime, have a family meal every night with well-balanced, nutritious food, have time to work out, move my body, totally be there for my best friend when she freaks out and breaks down and needs me, you know, while she's crying for an hour. Like, how do I do it? It's almost like balance is supposed to be this like perfect math equation. 50%, 50% this, 50% that. And it's just not. It's just not. It's not a thing, guys. We are humans, not robots. And we have to live like that. We have to understand that. So it it kind of reminds me a bit of like when I see someone out on the Instagram world, like, you know, totally making these promises of like, you know, you can, like a business coach, let's say, for example, who's like, you know, you can make, you know, your first 5K in your first five days of running a business, you know, just click on this link and I'll give you the steps and that kind of stuff. And it's like, first of all, probably not. Like 99.9 chance, you know, listen, there's a definitely a chance, like maybe there's definitely been someone out there who's made 5K in their first five days of business, I'm sure. But also, how do they do it? Is that something that you want to be doing? Because my guess is that they are like dead to the ground after those five days, and there's probably not going to be a day six, day seven, day eight of their business. So that's kind of what it reminds me of. Anyways, yeah, so let's talk about this. For for the this is like an important, very important topic for I think most of us, especially for parents. You know, because some days it l it might look like that you work your, you know, the your hours that you want to be working, you make the dinner, you hang out with the kids, you check all the boxes, and you probably will fall asleep feeling pretty satisfied and happy with yourself. But most of the time, life tips heavier in one direction. And that doesn't mean you failed. It means you're in a specific kind of season in your life. But what usually happens when you tip heavier in one direction is that you leave feeling very guilty, that the other place in your life didn't get as much attention. Our brains love the black and white thinking. Either I'm the perfect mom or I'm neglecting my kids. Either I'm fully present at work or I'm failing my business. But it's never that simple. It's never that simple. Our brains are dying for it to be that simple. It wants to be that simple. It just it it like all it wants is like being super efficient, getting things done, keeping things simple in that kind of realm, but like it's not, right? So if you let go of balance as a gold standard, we might actually feel less guilty and more freedom. That's how it works, right? Because being out of balance doesn't mean we're doing something wrong. It can mean we're being fully present where we are and letting ourselves swing back when the time comes. So the opposite from doing something wrong, we're doing something right. We're letting ourselves kind of be in that space. So, you know, there's one example is like, for example, you know, a business owner launching something, their business. Or for example, like when I was getting my podcast off the ground and learning how to create it and then learning how to launch it. When I was doing that, I was in my office. I was creating content, I was talking to people, I was writing the emails, and you know what, a lot of that time I was not making dinner. My husband was, my kids were, or dinner wasn't happening, they were just picking stuff up along the way. My kids, I have one particular kid that will ask me for rides everywhere. And like all the time, nonstop, even when like they're at school, they'll like call to ask for rides, like setting it up, you know. Anyways, that during that time period, I was kind of like, I'm not available for rides. I'm not. That's not where I'm gonna spend my time. I'm gonna be focusing on getting this podcast going, and any time left over, I'm gonna be spending time cuddling on the couch with you guys, not in a car driving you places. So either get yourself a taxi, get yourself a ride somewhere else, walk, bike, do whatever you have to do. Because that was the season I was in. But for example, a month ago, I just we came back from a beautiful vacation in Greece. I know you guys have heard me speak speak about that. And I was completely team family. Didn't bring my laptop, didn't, didn't record any podcast, didn't write any content, didn't, I mean, like, unless it was like free-flowing and was like, you know, just felt can kind of came out of me, but did not speak to clients. I was like completely available to my kids if they wanted to jump in the pool with me at 5 a.m. or at 5 p.m. or take this adventure or do that or do that. My brain was completely there. I was not even for a second a little bit like, oh, my business, I should be thinking about it, or what about this idea? It was all family, right? Because it it's it's important to know, right, that we kind of are we can swing back and forth forth. We do not have to be balanced in that way. We can be fully immersed in something and not in the other. Now, it doesn't mean that we're gonna go neglect our kids, right? But it does mean that we have to check ourselves because there's some things that our kids that we think that our kids need and they have to have. And we can come out, I know for myself, I'll speak for myself and you'll see if this connects to you. There's just the controlling piece of like my kids need this and my kids need that, and I need to be able to do this. And this is a great time to really check in and see, do they really though? Like, do they really? Like, for example, with my kid who like likes to be driven all over the place. There are so many times when they do not need to be driven all over the place. And either they cannot go, which is an option, or they literally can walk, or they can have their friends' parents take them as well, because their friends are going. This is a beautiful time to kind of check in there. Right? Because I've decided, and you can decide this too, instead of chasing balance, I decided I'm chasing presence, being fully present in something. Because let's be real, a lot of balance pressure, a lot of this balance pressure comes down to guilt, feeling guilty at work for not being with our kids, feeling guilty with our kids for not working. But when you are clear on your values, guilt doesn't have to run the show at all. When I'm with my family, I'm all in. When I'm in my office, I'm all in. That's not balanced. But what that is is integrity. And that's also in alignment. And I'll tell you something that I remember I think it was a podcast. What was her name? I think her name is Becky. She's like a doctor, she does parenting. I'm gonna get her name and put it, I'll put it in the show notes so you guys could check it out. But she's this amazing parenting coach, Becky something, and she was talking about, and this is ironic that I was listening to this, because I was on my way, I was at the airport, on my way to London for a week to spend a week with my mentor and meeting up with my best friend to just have the most amazing adventure. I was leaving my kids, obviously. And I was experiencing this like parenting guilt is what I thought, right? Like, I can't believe it. Like, who kind of mom like takes off for a week to go hang out with her mentor and have fun? Like, who does that? And what Becky was saying was like our go-to is always like, I feel this parenting guilt. I feel so guilty as a parent, right? But if what you're doing aligns with your values, it's not guilt what you're experiencing, it's discomfort, right? Like what your kids will think and feel and how they'll miss you and how you'll miss them. It doesn't feel good, but that's not guilt. That's like discomfort, right? Guilt is when you're doing something, but the values do not align. So here I was on my way to London to go hang out with my mentor and hang out with my best friend. Two things I value deeply, both for my business, for my life. I love that my kids saw me take off for a week. It's something I did not see my own mother do. My mother is a freaking rock star. She is the most amazing thing, but I did not see her taking care of herself. And my kids get to see that. And so what I was experiencing was not guilt. It was actually just discomfort of having to change up things and have my kids miss me, me miss them, but I didn't feel guilty. Like I didn't have to think that it was guilt, which I think is a really cool thing. It's a it's a great thing to keep in mind. All you all all you parents out there, keep that in mind. I think that that's been like a game changer for me, by the way. So, anyways, you know, when I was in my twenties before kids, I landed this amazing job. It really fell into my lap. I was a director of this incredible traveling summer program. And I've spoken about it before because it was like it was like my real, real, real job, you know, not babysitting. I was like, you know, I got myself a salary and the whole thing. But I ran a traveling summer program for six weeks, traveled all over the country doing volunteer work and backpacking, organic farming. It was for t teens. And I loved it. It lit me up. I thought about it day and night. I would go into my office and be like, what else can I do? What else can I set up? What else can I do all this all these things? I just poured my life into it. But the times, like, you know, I was approaching, while I was in this job, I was approaching m potential motherhood, and I thought about becoming a mom, and I would seriously just stop and panic. I thought if I let myself care this much again, my kids will lose me to work. Like they will completely not have a mom. And it really freaked me out. It freaked me out so much that actually when I was pregnant with my first kid, who by the way is about to turn 19 years old in a few days, which is insane. Actually, at the time of of the time that I actually dropped this episode, he would be teacher 19. So, but when I was pregnant with him and I found out, I broke out in hives, which has never happened to me ever before and has since never happened to me again. Broke out in hives, I went to the acupuncturist, I walked in the door, and he looked at me and he's like, Are you pregnant? I was like, What? How do you know that? And he was like, Now are you freaking out about it? And I was like, in shock. I was like, Yes and yes, this is crazy. And I keep on going back to him ever since. But I was freaking out. So what I did is I overcorrected, I chose placeholder jobs, I did like teaching English to Chinese students, selling essential oils, things I did not care about at all. I thought if my work didn't matter, when my my kids wouldn't would not not with my if I did it did not matter, my kids would automatically come first. But here's what I learned in this process. Imbalance isn't something that just happens to us. It's not a curse, it isn't just drop down from the sky. It is a choice. And if it's a choice, then we get to choose differently every time. And I have to tell you, this is exactly why I have also created this amazing workbook. Some of you guys have grabbed it, some of you have not, and you should. I'll put into the also into the show notes, but I created this amazing, it's called Not Your Mama Scheduling Workbook, so that we can consciously and on purpose choose where we want to give our energy and our time to. So it's not just dropping down from the sky and just happens to us. Because imbalance, balance, all those things, how we want to live our lives, that's gonna be up to us. And we have to consciously choose that. And it's so freeing, right? It's so freeing to know is because I've chosen, if I've chosen this and I've done it this way, I can choose again and again. And that is the greatest gift you can give yourself to know that you are in control of all those things. That if you're feeling imbalanced in certain kinds of ways, if you're feeling meaning like if you're feeling like it's your the way your life is set up is not working for you yet, because perhaps you're like chasing this balance idea and you're giving some time here and you're giving some time here, but nothing is feeling fulfilling yet, nothing's really getting done in the way you want to, you get to choose differently. You get to plan differently. It's not about balancing everything at once, it's about naming the season you're in and letting yourself be all in, which can feel very scary. It can feel scary because it's kind of setting yourself up, you know, for potential failure, also for potential success, and that can scare us, it can scare our little brains. Okay, let me give you another example of all this. I love examples, they always land, they allow maybe a concept that I'm not totally getting and it lands for me, so maybe that's the truth for you also. When I went to NYU for undergraduate, and super fun, also crazy. There are like no campus, and like, you know, my campus was New York City, which is insane when you're like 18 years old, 19 years old, dropped into New York City. But for my junior year, I went to study abroad in Australia. At NYU, I was an insane student in the library till five in the morning. They, by the way, have the most beautiful library. If you guys are ever on NYU campus, go check it out. Although actually, I don't think you can get in. You have to be a student, but it's so beautiful, like a church-like, you know. Anyways, I went to I went to Australia for my junior year. And coming from being, you know, and if you you know you guys know me well enough at this point, probably, but like I was missperfectionist, miss student, how to do the best job ever, you know, all these kinds of things. And I landed in Australia and I decided I am just going to do to choose, you can choose. You can either choose to take these courses that you're taking at University in Australia for grades, or you can choose to take them as past fail. And I said, I'm just taking past fail. And the reason why I'm doing that is because I want to be all in on the adventure. I want to be in this season of adventure. So if like a friend, a new friend I meet says, I want to go do, go hang out in the bush for one day, that's what I'm gonna do. I want to take a drive up, you know, the coast and do this for the day, I want to be able to do that. I want to be like all in on the adventure and not be focused so much on like the grades and studying and all those kinds of things. And that's what I did. And it was so beautiful. And yes, did I learn a ton in the classes and work really hard and you know, perfect my skill even more in terms of writing papers and things like that? Nope. But that's what I did at NYU. But now I really learned the unbelievable things about adventure and what it could what it could give me. And it literally changed my life. I completely it was like from then on out, I was like, Miss Heike, adventure, gotta go check this out, kind of thing. So, right, was I balanced there? No. But was I deeply present in the season I chose of adventure 1,000%, and it was incredible. So, you know, let's go back and talk a little bit about parenting for a second, because again, like I mentioned, this is definitely a topic I think really close to the hearts of most parents, most of you guys out there who are parents. You know, being in my work doesn't mean I've stepped out of parenting. I want to kind of clarify this piece. My kids seeing me pour myself into something I love, in my opinion, that is parenting, right? Even if that means that I, you know, can't put them to bed that night, or again, can't, you know, do, you know, put together a beautiful meal or things like that. But them seeing me like step into my office and record this podcast for you, and then come out and be excited about it, maybe even share something with them, or not, that is parenting as well. And that is actually dynamite parenting, in my opinion. They get to watch what it looks like when a woman is fully alive and her gifts, showing up with fire and focus, like that's modeling, you know. And, you know, there's actually, you know, I had a client a month or so ago, this real this came up for her because, you know, she's in the birthing world and she was organizing this incredible conference that for all like the pe the birthing world here in Israel. And this was new for her. This is a completely different domain. Anyway, during her like kids' bedtime one night, she had to get on a call with someone overseas because of the time difference to speak to them. I think she was trying at this right that she was trying to sp bring this person in as a speaker. And when she was done, and then she her kids were put to bed, everything, she like left the room, and her husband was kind of waiting for her outside. And he, you know, said, Listen, like, we can't do this. You can't be working when you're putting the kids to bed. Like, it's just not how we parent, it's not how it works. And we unpacked the whole thing. We spent like the complete hour on this actually. And what she realized, you know, is actually really similar to what I realized, which is we could define parenting in our own way, right? Even separate from our partners. And for her, she loved that her kids got to like see, like, yes, what she was she would she would love time to just completely put her kids to bed quietly, things like that, and then do this work. But she also loved that her kids, that her daughters, her daughters she's putting to bed, got to see her like on the phone, lit up, talking to this woman, talking about bringing her in, uh, something that she was running, and she loved that. And, you know, for him, how he sees parenting is, you know, it's putting the kids to bed. It's not doing these kinds of things. And what she discovered was that she doesn't want it just to be just that way, and that also it's okay, that it's okay. Our kids are not these fragile that they'll break in a you know moments time if the focus is not completely on them. And she actually really loved what kind of came up there, which I thought was really, really an incredible thing. Allowed her like going forward, realizing that she has more capacit capacity to to do things and to create things than she thought because she could really kind of incorporate her work and her kids in all different kinds of degrees and make that all happen, which I thought was really cool. So, you know, another little slight angle that I think is kind of important for us to know is like, you know, doing all the things you love in one lifetime is a freaking privilege. You know, cavemen weren't sitting around asking how to split their energy between hunting and self-care.

unknown: 24:10

Right?

SPEAKER_00: 24:11

They weren't like, let me go hunt and then let me go to the spa, get a massage, to get that bubble bath on or whatever it is. They were just surviving. They rested when they could, but man, they were working hard. The fact that we get to stop, plan, and design our weeks on purpose, that is extraordinary. Let's not waste that gift chasing some perfect split. Let's use it to make intentional choices and really focus in on what's going on in our lives. What in this season do we want to focus on? I remember when I did that with like working out and cleaning up my eating stuff. And it was so amazing. It was like I was like, you know, not posting as much content during this time. But then like once I picked up momentum of like really like being like doing the workouts that I wanted to do and taking out some of the stuff I didn't really want to be eating, and it just started to become part of like what I do, I was able then to pick up my content creating more and all those kinds of things. But it felt so good to give myself the permission that right now I'm just gonna be focusing like, and if you want to do a percentage, it sometimes helps. Like, you know, 60% I'm focusing or 70% I'm focusing on, you know, focusing on my food and my working out and you know, making charts for myself and spending my time doing that and researching what kind of foods would be fun to eat for me and that kind of stuff, and then 30% of the business or whatever it is, but like it doesn't have to be a perfect split. It shouldn't be a perfect split. It won't be a perfect split. So maybe the question isn't that we need to be asking, how do I get the perfect work-life balance? Let's like completely extinguish that question from our minds and start asking where do I want to want my focus to be in this season? Where do I want my focus to be in? In this season, knowing that this is a season, and once the season's over, you'll be switching gears to another place. Right? We can have some flexibility here. Some seasons will lean heavy towards family, some towards business, some towards rest, some towards adventure. That's what means to be a human being in this world and in this time.

unknown: 26:19

Right?

SPEAKER_00: 26:19

When you're rooted in these values, in your values, you can stand by your choices, zero guilt. That to me is way more powerful than this whole cute little word, this cute little idea of balance. Let's get balanced. That's my opinion. So this week, instead of asking yourself, Am I balanced? Try asking, Am I being present where I am right now? Am I being present where I am right now? Which this, by the way, is a side note, but uh there's a beautiful saying that by a woman named Andrea Gibson, who's an incredible poet, who unfortunately passed away recently from cancer. But the this quote goes like kind of doing a wellness check-in every day with yourself and ask it and ask the question Am I focused on the people that don't love me more than I'm focused on who I love? And then from there understand like where you are, are you aligned? Which I thought I think is so beautiful. All right, friends, that's our conversation for today. I really hope it resonated with you guys. I know a lot of people are really, you know, as we're all like going, you know, our kids are back in school, and for many of us, all the holidays, the Hagim have passed, and really trying to get back into gear and trying to figure this whole thing out, I'd say let go of this whole idea that you're gonna have a work-life balance. That just ain't it. Decide what feels most burning for you right now, and how much of the percentage that you have. Let's say you have like a hundred units, how much percentage do you want to be focused on in this place? And then you can divide them over the rest of the stuff, but you don't need to be balanced. You can go all in in one place and with the rest go a little bit here, a little bit there, and that's completely okay. If this podcast resonates with you guys, share it with someone. Share it with someone who really needs it, who could be part of this conversation. And remember, for many of you guys, just listening to the podcast is great, it's all you need, but for some of you guys, you are so ready to go deeper. I've been having a lot of conversations with those kinds of folks lately on consult, and it's been amazing. And if you're one of those people who are like, this is awesome, and I want to keep on going and I want to go deeper, two uh possibilities for you. One, again, come to a free group coaching call. The first ones happening today, you know, while while I'm recording it. And they will be hopefully they will be every month. Just check my my website. And two, you can book yourself a free one-on-one consult with me. And we'll sit down for an hour, look at where you are, where you want to go, how to bridge the gap. It's one of the best first steps you can take, and it's really an incredible call. It's also free, and again, I'll put those in the show notes. So, anyway, sending you guys lots of love. Thanks for listening. Thanks for being here. Thanks for being you. Thank you, brave little things. I will see you next week. Sending lots of love.