Identity Addictions

What if the stories you tell yourself about who you are: “I’m always late,” “I’m not a leader,” “I’m just a hot mess”,  aren’t actually who you are at all?

In episode 16, I dive into the idea of identity addictions -the old labels and patterns our brains keep pulling us back to, just like a craving for chips or another scroll through Instagram. These identities feel safe because they’re familiar, but they aren’t the truth of who you are.

I’ll share how to recognize when you’re hooked on an outdated identity, why your brain resists change, and practical tools to break the habit. You’ll hear personal stories (like leading a Bar Mitzvah trip to Uganda) and client examples that show what it looks like to catch the urge, sit with it, and step into who you’re becoming.

By the end, you’ll see how to create your own “identity protocol,” practice urge-sitting, and use simple reframes to stop living from old stories, and start building the life your future self will thank you for.

Because here’s the truth: every time you shed an old identity, you get to live another life. And that’s the real fun of this work.

Featured Links:

To book a free consult: 

https://www.tamarcoaching.com/consult

To DM on Instagram:

https://www.instagram.com/tamarfieldgersh

To be in touch with Innovation: Africa:

https://innoafrica.org/

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:13

Hello, what's up, you guys? Welcome back, friends. Welcome back to the podcast. I'm so happy you're here. And I'm really excited about today's topic because this one has been a total game changer for me, as well as for my clients. And I'm finally like, you know what, I think I need to tell the podcast peeps about this. So it can be a game changer for them as well. So this is going to be a good one. I want to talk to you about something that one of my coaches taught me that I carry into almost every situation I'm in. And it changed the way I saw myself and it changed the way I coach. And that's what I want to share specifically today. It's this idea of identity addictions. Now, I know addictions is a big word, but that's exactly why I love this concept. Because when you look at your old identities through the lens of addiction, it clicks in a whole different kind of way. Think about it for a addictions in your life you can specifically think about when I'm talking about this. But overeating, right, is an addiction, can be addiction. Scrolling your phone endlessly can be an addiction. Smoking weed, drinking too much, binge watching Netflix, even just the habit of grabbing a handful of potato chips. The second you walk in the door, these all feel and are addictions or bad habits, right? It's that urge that hits, that craving to do the thing you've always done, even Even if you don't actually want it anymore. Even if it's not actually doing anything good for you anymore. Right? That's the idea of addiction. And slipping back into an old identity works exactly the same. It's like a hit your brain thinks it needs. I'm just a hot mess. I'm not a leader. I can't really trust myself. You know, we oftentimes think it's just like these are just what it is. But actually, these are like addictions. Things when we slip back into these old identities is just like an addiction, like everything else. Everything else I just mentioned about overeating, over drinking, all those kinds of things. It feels safe because it's what you know. But just like overeating chips doesn't define you, your old identity doesn't define you either. It's just a habit you've been running into. And the powerful thing about habits, guys, is they can be changed. You can totally change your habits as you all know. I'm sure all of you have had some kind of habit in your life that you no longer wanted. You worked really hard and you shifted and you changed them. That is the beautiful thing about habits. So when you start to see it this way, through this lens, you separate yourself from the identity itself. You realize I'm right. I'm not the potato chip, right? Obviously, right? We're obviously with like so clear. I'm obviously not the potato chip. I'm not the binge watch. I'm not the old label I've been wearing. That's just a habit and habits can be shifted. So today we're going to talk about identity addictions, what they are and how to recognize them. But most importantly, how to handle the urge when it comes up. Because if you don't, you'll keep living from your old story. And if you do, you can step into who you are becoming, which is really a fun place to be. So that's what we're going to talk about today. What identity addiction is. So let's talk about Let's dive in and describe it and define it a little bit more. Because again, most of the time, all of us are just walking around with like who we just think we are. And we might not even see it as like identities, right? That might even be one step ahead. So here's what I mean when I say that. Identity is just the story we tell ourselves about who we are. So you can imagine that it's like the most important thing in the universe, right? Who we think we are will determine how we act, how we show up, and it also will determine how the world sees us, right? We're the ones who get to trailblaze that story, get to tell people like who we are. But most of us believe these stories as permanent and actually factual. Like, If I'm indecisive, I'm always late. I'm a hot mess. I'm not the responsible one. I'm terrible with money. No one ever takes me seriously, right? And we can go on and on and on. You can think about your own ways of thinking about yourself, right? We just think of them. This is just a factual thing. Like, I'm always late. Like, I'm somebody who's always late. I'm a hot mess, right? No one will ever take me seriously. This is just facts. This can't be changed. It's just how it is. We say these things if they are carved into stone. And because we believe them, they quietly control everything, everything we do, what we do, what we don't do, what we believe is possible for us. And the reason they're so sticky is because our brain is wired for safety. The brain doesn't care if an old identity makes you miserable. It doesn't care at all. It only cares that it's familiar. So the second you try to step into a new identity, a new version of yourself, and perhaps some of you out there listening right now have tried that, and you know what I'm talking about, your brain will immediately be like, stop, right, and throws an urge to pull you back in, just like the urge to grab the chips or light the cigarette or pour another glass of wine. It's like the same exact mechanism. You know, I once heard, I've actually heard a few times, you know, lobsters will do this thing where if one lobster, let's say if there's like lobsters in a bucket, and one lobster will start to crawl out of the bucket. I believe it's lobsters. Maybe it's crabs actually. You know what? I think it's Either one. I'll look it up afterwards or you'll tell me. But they will slowly start to crawl out of the bucket. If one tries to crawl and almost makes it to the top, the other ones will pull it back, right? It's like so afraid, like, don't go out there. What are you doing? And I'll pull them back in. And that's exactly how our brains work when it comes to these bad habits, to these addictions and the same idea with our identities. We'll kind of think that we're starting to become this new person and then something gets thrown our way and we start to then immediately go to this old identity that's just so familiar to us. So let me tell you, let me let you in on a little secret, okay? Awareness is the hack of a lifetime when it comes to self-identity and comes to these addictions. Awareness is the hack because sometimes awareness alone is enough to create change. Just naming it, seeing it, saying out loud, oh, I see what's happening here. This is my old identity trying to take the wheel again, right? Sometimes that's all it takes, just being really aware of it. So when it pops up, it's no longer this kind of thing that just kind of goes under the surface, just like in the background, and you just kind of go into it, but you're actually aware of it. Because when you catch yourself in it and say, oh, that's just my old identity tugging at me. That's just the urge. suddenly you're not stuck anymore. You actually have a choice right in that moment of what you want to do. If you want to continue to continue the road of that old identity, or if you actually want to choose a new one, that's where the power holds. But again, going back to the potato chip analogy, can you guys tell that I'm a potato chip fanatic? If there's any junk food out there that I will go for is potato chips. So that's why we're talking about it in the podcast over and over today. But like with the potato chips, imagine like walking in the door and like you're walking the door from work or whatever it is and your hand almost and you like immediately go for your pantry and your hand almost automatically reaches for the potato chips. But in that moment, you catch yourself and you're like, oh, wow, I'm just on like autopilot. I think I want these chips because that's what I've always been i know i walk in the door right there's like a habit that habit we've created of like we always walk in the door to get into our house right at the end of the day and then the next piece is that we've created a habit of then walking to the pantry grabbing a bag of chips maybe then starting to cook dinner whatever it is but realizing the moment what you're doing and then recognizing like i don't actually want to right you get to stop in that moment right there before the urge before you put those potato chips in your mouth you get to stop right there And if you sit with discomfort of not grabbing them, because by the way, it's not hard to not eat the chips. That's not where the heart is. The heart is in that moment of urge before you do it, right? You might even want to stay out loud yourself. I have the urge to eat these chips right now, and I'm just going to sit here and let it pass. I cannot tell you the power of talking to yourself, you guys. I cannot encourage enough. I've already spoken, I'm sure, about it in many of the previous podcasts, and I'll continue to talk about it. But the power of saying things out loud to ourselves and even anybody else who's in the room and they might think you're crazy and I've definitely my kids think I'm like totally nuts and I'm down with it but Saying those things out loud is significant because you can ask, what would I be if I wasn't the person who comes home and eats chips while making dinner? Well, maybe I'd feel lighter. Maybe I'd feel healthier, more in control, right? That separation, that ability to see the habit as just a habit, that's where your power is. And it's the same with identity. The minute you see this is just an urge to slip back into my old identity to realize you are not the habit. You are not the label and you get to let it pass and you get to create whatever damn you please, which is pretty, pretty amazing. Let me give you a little example because I'm sure like maybe some of you are a little bit like I don't really totally understand this. This is definitely like a bigger concept. So let me give you an example. Example from my own life is I grew up as the youngest of four kids and my whole identity for forever was that I'm the little one. I'm the cute one. I'm the adorable one. I'm just a little, little cutie pie. I even have, I wish I could share with you guys. This was video I could, but I even have a kindergarten yearbook where the teacher must have taken all of us aside to ask us different questions. And the other questions are like, why does your mommy love you so much? Why does your daddy love you so much? Why are you all these different questions? And every answer I gave to that was because I'm so cute, because I'm so cute, because I'm so cute. So I must have been told that plenty of times. And so I really kind of grew into this self-identity of this little girl. I don't know how to do that, right? I don't know. I'm not sure how to do that. Just a cute little girl. So for years, I carried that identity of being the youngest. And here's the thing. It wasn't just about being cute. It meant I didn't really see myself as a capable of doing big adult things, things like running a business, taking the lead, trusting myself with response And I will be totally honest, even now as a grown woman running my own business and the power that I have felt over the years and really coming into myself, I sometimes feel that old urge come up, that little voice that says, you're just a baby, you can't do this. And that's what I mean by identity addiction. It's the brain trying to pull me back into the familiar, even though that identity keeps me small. I see how much it has kept me small in my life, but yet I'll see myself kind of going there sometimes. And I really have to sit with that and remind myself, that's not who I am anymore. that's not who I am. I'm much bigger than that. So I'll give you another example. I think examples are always such a great way to understand things. And again, something from my own life. A specific example is when my son was bar mitzvah age, my oldest son, we organized a trip to Uganda, Africa. It was him, my nephew, who's the same age as him, and then three other boys who are from the US, from America, who I didn't know personally at the time, but who who are friends of my sister. They're her friend's sons. So five boys, five bar mitzvah boys and five moms. You know, we raised money to bring solar panels to a whole village in Africa. And the five moms and the five boys flew to Uganda. And we went there for the ceremony of turning on the lights. There's like a particular name for it. I forgot what they called it. But, you know, where we went to the village and we turned on the lights for the first time. And it was, I mean, that should be a podcast in itself. That was such an unbelievable experience. We went with an organization called Innovation Africa, which is an amazing organization. Also, I'll give the information in the show notes. show links if you want it because they organize bar mitzvah trips and like you can go and raise money and then go over there and they do water they also provide clean water systems and all the stuff and you know when I You know, what happened was I was really the one connected to the organization. She had come and spoken at a hotel, actually, where my family and I were at the time, the woman who runs Innovation Africa, and I was just blown away by her. And I ended up planning the whole thing and organizing the whole thing and kind of, you know, just really kind of brought the group together in that way. But midway through, I caught myself wanting to hand off the responsibility, saying, you You figure this out. It's kind of like starting to give the responsibility over because being the leader, being the one responsible, being the one who's in charge, the big one, the big adult in this, I started to feel a little bit uncomfortable because for so long, for so many years, I wasn't that. And when I stopped and looked at why, I realized, you know, here it is, my old youngest identity urge coming up. And I think it kind of came up in that particular moment because my sister was there involved in it and it was her friends. And so I kind of went back into that. a mode of like, I'm just a little sister. I'm just a little sister. And those are the big girls. I can't be the leader here. I'm just a little sister tagging along, which is what I did my whole life when I was little. But here's the thing. That just wasn't true. It wasn't true anymore. I had really created this trip. I had really led it from the beginning, being in touch with the organization, planning out where we would go, where we would stay, where you would eat, where we'd all those kinds of things. So in that moment, I practiced what what I'm telling you today, I noticed the urge. I sat with the discomfort of it and I let it pass. And then I led, I led like hell. And in fact, I think even, I think one of the moms on the trip gave me this name. What was it called? It was called pilot. Oh, I wish I remembered. It was something like pilot pilot. or something, some kind of leader name, which was so funny. And, and, and actually also remember when we had gotten off the bus, we had gotten off our vans one day, we got to the hotel and we're all like exhausted. I think it was the day of the ceremony that we had. So we'd been like dancing like crazy and in the heat and all that kind of stuff. And we sit down for a second. And one of the boys turned to me, he's like, so what's for dinner? I started cracking up. I like, cause I was caught. I took on, I was like this leader. And I think in that moment, I was cracking up because in that moment, I had, again, had not seen myself necessarily as a leader. And all of a sudden, he was like showing me that like, you're the one leading this thing. Like, what are we having for dinner? Like, what are we doing here? Right? So this is like, I think one just another example that kind of really kind of states that. And, you know, let me let me throw on a couple more examples, just in case that one didn't catch. I'm sure you got specifics there. But another example is that for years, I believed I wasn't a nighttime person. My identity was I only work in the mornings. I don't have any energy in the evenings. That's all I do. And that really kind of kept me boxed in. It kept me very limited because I wanted to do something in the evening, whether it be work or even going out or just hanging out with my kids in a meaningful kind of way. I was like, nope, my brain is done at nighttime. Again, I think many of you guys might have this as well, where we kind of become, get it to an age and you're like, I don't function at night. But through coaching, really, I start to experiment and I really realized that some of my best work has happened in the evenings. I've done podcast interviews at night and absolutely crushed them. I've run creative sessions after dark and done fantastic work. And it was like, it's a really great thing for me to know that if I want to do work or if I want to go out and have a great time or have a fun time with my kids or meaningful conversation, I can do that if I want to. It's accessible to me. So the reframe here is like, what if I can be both? What if I can love mornings and also do great fun things at nighttime, great work if I wanted to, right? That simple identity shift opened up a whole new pocket of power in my life. Again, being like, I know that's what I was or what I was telling myself, but what if now it's different? Maybe now I'm just in a different era and I'm actually a morning person and a nighttime person. Like I get to be both. How much possibilities, opportunities to just open up for myself, right? Okay, let's give one more. This is for my client. I have a client who is practicing the notion of becoming a woman who stays committed even when it's hard. And one day she came outside ready to drive her kids to school. And oh, crap, the car was not there. Her husband had taken it and forgotten to tell her. And her old identity kicked in immediately. Rage, blame, victimhood. Why is this happening to me? All this stuff, right? This hard moment that happened to her. She was like totally out of control. She could not handle it. But what we worked on treating that moment like an urge. So the next time something similar happened, she literally said it loud. Right now, I feel like raging. I feel like blaming. But I'm becoming the woman who stays committed even when it's hard. So I'm going to make different choices. She named it. She breathed through it. She let the urge pass. And then she chose differently. And that's the beauty of identity work in action. The ability to give yourself the power to be whoever the hell you want. So let's, let's break it down. Let's break down some tools that you guys actually can have to take home to use when you're, you know, noticing an identity coming up for you that doesn't work for you, that keeps you small, and you want to kind of step into something new. So first, you want to break it down. You want to create your identity protocol. That's what we're going to call it for the moment. You're going to write down the identities that don't serve you, the things that you keep on telling yourself that you don't really actually want. You don't want to be who you are. You want to notice the triggers when the urge shows up, like the trigger I gave to you guys, right, where I noticed that whenever I'm around my family, right, my sister, whoever it is, that's when I start to kind of lean back into, I'm just this little girl, just a little sister. Sister, I'm not responsible. I'm just not an adult. That was my trigger. Okay, so you want to notice when the urge shows up and prep the thoughts you'll bring with you instead. For me, if I know I'm going back to my parents' house and I'll see my whole family, which is actually going to happen very soon, my brain will want to slip back into that. So I go armed with that's who I was. That's not who I am anymore. I get to be this evolved version of tomorrow now, right? Okay, that's number one. Number two, you want to practice urge sitting. When the urge shows up, literally say out loud, I have the urge to, and I'm just going to sit with it and notice it and then let it pass. That's all. Don't resist it. Don't fight it. Don't give into it. Just let it rise through. Kind of like I always like to compare an urge like a toddler, like a toddler at the checkout line who's eyeing this candy, freaking out, right? If you're just kind of like with it and you're like, I know that candy looks really good. You know, they're having their tantrum and you're like, I get it, but we're not going to have that today, right? We already had a sweet thing today. It's not going to happen. You're not ignoring the toddler. You're not fighting with the toddler. You're recognizing what's going on and you're also not letting it happen, right? You're not buying the candy. It's the same exact thing. Eventually, she or he will quiet down. Okay, number three, you want to give yourself two power powerful reframed tools. An amazing woman, if you don't know her, look her up, Byron Katie. She offers powerful questions. I'm going to give you two of them that really helped me in this moment. You want to ask, who would I be without this story? That question kind of cracks the door open and lets you see what else is possible. So who would I be without this story, right? Who would I be without the story of that? I'm like not responsible enough. I'm just a little cutie girl, right? Who would I be? Is that out probably be a lot more powerful. A lot like, you know, I would be able to lead in powerful, confident kinds of ways. So who would you be without this story? And also the other piece is you could flip the script. When your brain offers you an old identity, you just rewrite it. So example, I'm not a leader. To I've been leading all along. Or something like I'm too young. I'm too young for that. To I am the person this moment was made for. Or I'm just old enough. I'm the perfect age for this. Right? Something like that. These tools let you consciously choose a new identity instead of defaulting to the old one that we just do as a habit. So here's my invitation to you guys. Let's step up your identity game because this is going to be really a life changer, a game changer for you. I think just as much as it's been for me, because again, what we think about ourselves is major. It is everything. So take this podcast and really work with it. Don't just listen to it once. Go back, sit with the questions, write down what identities am I reinforcing that don't serve me? When do I feel the urge to go back? What thoughts can I bring with me to help? Who would I be without this story? What's the flipped version of the script my brain is offering me? Focus on one identity at a time and practice urge sitting. Use your identity protocol and start creating the version of you that your future self will thank you over and over and over for. Because here is the truth. This is this work, this work, this life coaching work, this particular episode of about identity addictions. It lets you live a hundred different times, a hundred different lives in one lifetime. That's the gift. come book a free consult with me. There is no pressure and no strings attached. It's just an hour together where we unpack this work, where we take one of your old identities and really work through it, where we really kind of see where you are right now, where you want to go, and where I share with you exactly how I can help you get there. You can go simply, you can go to my website, tamaracoaching.com slash schedule. This will be in the show notes or DM me on Instagram, Tamara Field Gersh, and we can set it up easily. I cannot tell you how many consults I've actually gotten booked directly through the podcast. This has been really fun. There's been so many podcast listeners who have booked consults recently, and we've had the best times on these consults. So I really urge you to go ahead and book yourself one because, you know, podcasts are a beautiful thing. They allow you to really learn a lot and hear a lot. But if you want to take this work deeper, And you want to take this work really into your life. The best way to do is to go ahead and book a free consult. And that is the next step. So really, guys, thank you for being here. Thank you for listening. And remember, every single time you choose a new identity, you choose a new life. And how freaking fun is that idea? I'd say freaking fun. I love you all so much. And I will see you next week. Sending lots and lots of love.