Making Peace With Past You

In this episode, we’re talking about the one version of ourselves most of us try to ignore: Past You.

If you’ve ever replayed mistakes in your head, judged yourself for choices you made, or felt like you’re constantly dragging around regret, this conversation is for you.

I’ll share:

• Why separating past you, present you, and future you changes everything
• A personal story about how I went from loathing past me to loving her (and crying through a coaching session along the way)
• The surprising Facebook memory that softened my heart toward my younger self
• How small acts of kindness toward past you ripple forward into compassion for present you and better choices for future you
• A practical tool you can start using right away when past you leaves you a mess to clean up

This isn’t about sugarcoating or pretending everything was perfect. It’s about learning to talk to yourself with love, carry what needs carrying, and let past you become an ally instead of an enemy.

By the end, you’ll see why making peace with your past self might just be the key to creating the future you actually want.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:12

Hey, friends. Welcome back to the podcast. I am so happy you returned. We've got some good stuff in store for you guys today. So thank you so much for being here. And also before we dive in, I just want to say, I want to take a moment to really truly say thank you. Thank you to those of you out there who've reached out and sent me messages and voice messages and all those things with your thoughts and share the podcast with friends, post it in your stories and left reviews and left stars and all the good stuff, I cannot tell you how much that means to me. Because listen, of course it helps my business grow, which is a beautiful thing. But also, and most importantly, what it really does is help me live out my mission here. Because there will be many people listening here who I'll never get the privilege of working with one-on-one. And yet I can still impact them through these conversations and through these episodes So that's why it matters so much to me. So thank you for helping me spread the work further than I ever could on my own. Like really, you guys, we are a village here and I truly feel you helping. You are like very much a part of this mission, a part of this revolution, a part of this living life in a different kind of way that maybe many of us were taught. So I just want to say thank you for all the sharing and all the loving and all the commenting, all the starring and all the reviewing and all the just giving me so much support. Thank you. All right. Let's get into it. After all that, let's get into it. We have a I want to start with saying we all have different versions of ourselves, which I really love. I love that I know wherever I go, wherever I take my little body to, that there are three versions of me living inside of me. There is past me, literally who I was even just five minutes ago, three seconds ago, right? The person I like, literally my past me is a person who just thanked you for like 10 minutes. There's present me, the only thing that's actually real. right now, what I'm thinking and feeling, doing in this exact moment. And then there's future me, who I'm becoming through the choices I make today, right, and make right now. So here's a total mind bender. This Always trips me out. Past and future are only mental constructs, right? They live in our minds completely. Sure, there are photos and videos and memories, but those are just representations of what we had. I can never go back and be her again, ever. And I can never catch up to the future me either, because as soon as I arrive, I'm present me again. How tripped out is that? I mean, it's so true. out in my mind. It's just like, what? You know, it's crazy because, you know, we have, well, sometimes like, you know, share about our past. I know I definitely hear a lot about people's past, you know, just being a coach. And the crazy thing is that we think that we're sharing about like real facts and like really what happened. And it is real. It is real to us. It's real to our minds. But all we're doing is we're giving like our thoughts about the past. It's not even, you know, the actual past, which is pretty crazy. Anyway, so yes, the present is the only thing that's real. But, and this is really the key, the way we think about past us is And future us massively impacts how we feel and act today, right now here at this moment. As you guys know, last week, we talked all about future you. If you did not hear that episode of, you know, I think episode 14, I think it is, the lessons we learn from future you, definitely go back to that. You don't have to go back to it now. You can listen to this and listen to that one afterwards. But it's really an important one. It's a good one. And we spoke about how the relationships shape your choices in your life today, right? Your relationship with future you. Today, we're going to flip it and go deeper into this relationship with past you and really seeing how why making peace with him or her or whatever is absolutely critical if you want to step into your highest future self version, okay? So we're basically just taking the work that we did last week and going deeper with it. So let me tell you why this is so close to my heart, this particular conversation we're having today. Because when I was in coach training, I was obsessed with future self-work. We had a whole section about future self-work and I just was like totally down. The second my coach started giving us, training us and teaching us and all that kind of stuff, I was like, yes. It just felt so empowering. It felt so expansive. I just really couldn't get enough of it. And then one day I signed up for a little mini coaching session. We It was really cool. My coach certification, unfortunately, by the way, is not around anymore because my coach is out there living her best life. She like stopped doing that. She's like on the road with her sons who are older and whatever whole thing. But she's like traveling with them. One of them is a golf, not professional. What is it called? Like a... What is it? Whatever it's called, like a professional golfer. And so she travels with them and she just does really cool stuff. Anyway, so what she also included was that we got free coaching mini sessions. They were like 15 minutes, I think, or 20 minutes the most. Anyway, so I signed up for a mini coaching session and the coach that I got asked me something about my past self. And out of nowhere, I just broke down. I literally, guys, I cried through probably 75% of that call. And I'll tell you, I don't cry often. I'm not a very sensitive person. I know that that might surprise people. I'm not, I don't hold things like very sensitively. I don't, it just, it just takes a lot. Like I definitely cry, but it's, you know, I have not cried in these sessions. I cried 75% of the time. And I realized how many ill feelings I had towards who I had been. There was so much shame. There was so much judgment, disappointment. appointment, it just cracked me wide open, right? It's like, I just really, it just opened me up. So fast forward now, and this is a very cool story. Fast forward to the day of my certification of my coach certification. And on that day, a Facebook memory popped up. You know how those Facebook things pop up like all of a sudden, like 13 years ago, 20 years ago, right? So Facebook memory popped up. It was a post from me, my past 13 years earlier, and it said, hey, does anyone know of an online therapy training program where I could see clients over Skype? By the way, how funny you said Skype, right? Because that's like when Skype was happening. And man, I read that and my heart melted. Past me, past Tamar. who I had been so cruel to, had been reaching, trying, searching for a way to help people and to help myself, right? She just planted the seed And here I was 13 years later, actually doing the thing. That moment, that moment where like with the coaching and then the memory popping up, that moment changed my relationship with past me significantly. It was really a deep, beautiful thing. I was seeing, you know, like I had all these thoughts about past me and what she had not done and how she'd given up her career so her husband could have a career and just raise her kids and all these different kinds of things. And here, like, you know, who was like really in it, deep in it with four little kids, really parenting solo, you know, really balancing it all, living in a new country, all these kinds of things. And here she was like still thinking about herself, still planting seeds for herself. And it was just really a moving moment for me. So here's the other layer. Most people don't think about their future self, which is something we spoke about in last podcast last week. And when we do, we often shut it down fast, very quickly, because again, it feels very overwhelming. Do you guys remember when we talked about this in the last episode? The future is this blank slate with infinite options and infinite, you know, which just infinitely makes you exhausted, right? When we have so many options, we have too many options. It's like, I can't make any decisions, right? It's kind of like standing in front of like, you know, you go to a restaurant and they hand you a menu with 100 options. It's like, What? I can't. I don't. What? Right. It's like so hard to pick. So what happens? Our brain just avoided completely. Right. Tells us we'll just wait and see who we become on our own, because then we don't have to decide. Like, we're not going to make any decisions about our future. It's blank. It's got way too many options. I think we'll just see what happens. That's what most of us do. So here's the tricky part, though. Present me has that primitive brain running the show on autopilot, right? That's a part of like that we share with animals. This just goes by default. She wants animals. to seek pleasure. She wants to avoid pain and she wants to save energy. These are the three things that are most important to your brain to seek pleasure, to avoid pain and to save energy, right? To basically be a lazy ass and to do exactly what you've done your entire life. That would make your brain so freaking happy. So present me would happily, you know, down a bag of chips, take a nap all day, scroll Instagram on their couch or push off, you know, anything that like smells boring in their mind. And then she hands it to future me, who will not want to do any more of, will also not want to do any of that, right? We often might also think, oh, we'll just do it later. We'll just do it later. But guess what, guys? Future you, she's also not going to want to do it later because then she'll be in present you and she'll be like, yeah, I just want to, you know, avoid it all and just seek pleasure. So I'm good. I'm going to do the same thing you did, girl. I'm going to like sit down, eat that bag of chips and watch that awesome show on Netflix, right? So I'm sure that this sounds like familiar, imagining that many of you guys are like, yep, yep, yep. So this is where I used to get caught. Constantly battling present me and future me. Present me wants the chips. Future me wants to feel good in her body and just feel, you know, like she feels strong eating healthy foods. Present me wants Netflix all day, all night. Future me wants energy in the morning, right? It was like this constant tug of war of like, what should I be doing? But here's the piece. Here's what kind of changed everything. It's a combination again of like that coaching call, that Facebook post, and also, you know, some of my mentoring and coaching with another coach. This is what I did. I started separating out past me. So let me tell you a story to kind of explain what this means. This summer, my teenage daughter, she discovered parenthood, the show on Netflix. You guys know Parenthood. Who are these fans? Who are my fans? I don't care if you're walking on the street or in the grocery store or whatever. Do a little shout out. So she discovered Parenthood and she fell in love the way I fell in love with Parenthood. Isn't that the best show ever, guys? I just freaking love that show. So it's actually a great show for teens and for parents. It really gives a perspective of all the family dynamics. It also, FYI, by the way, really reminds me of my own family. So my daughter discovered Parenthood on Netflix. And she invited me into her cozy abode to watch Parenthood with her one evening. And she had it all set up in on a English word projector. And she had some popcorn and all the stuff, you know, and I don't always get invited into my teenage daughters. I mean, first of all, she's usually not even home, especially in the summer. So it was a really big deal. So of course, I was like, yep, I'm for sure gonna do that. So we were watching. And of course, you know, you can watch back, you know, back to back to back to back. And we're watching and it's like 1am. And you know, girlfriend, it's summer, she doesn't have to, she doesn't, they don't get up till like four in the afternoon. But I'm living a regular life, have work, you know, all this stuff. And so I get up my usual, like 6.30, 7am. But, you know, Like Julia and why am I blanking on his name? Oh, I forgot. What is Julia's husband's name again? I'm forgetting. But anyways, it was the Crux were like, they were thinking about getting divorced, you know? And so we were, you know, like, she was just like, I think we should keep on watching. I want to know, you know, I want to find out what's going on. So Joel, Joel and Julia, thank God. I'm so glad I found that, figured that out. Anyway, so Joel, so they, you know, so anyways, she was like, I want to keep on watching. So I was like, okay, I'll keep on watching too. It was seriously like 2.30 in the morning and we're still watching Parenthood. And then finally I'm like, okay, I should go to bed now. But it was like present me was like, this is the best night ever, right? Like I'm spending time with my daughter. I'm like getting to watch Parental, which I love. And this is so chill. Well, future me was like groaning. You're going to hate me tomorrow. I promise you, you're going to be so freaking tired. You're not gonna be able to do any of the coaching calls. You're not gonna be able to like write up any podcasts. Like you're gonna be exhausted. And it was like this battle back and forth, right? The next day, you know, Guess what? I was exhausted. I was. And normally that's where the self-judgment spiral would begin. Why do I do this? I'm freaking so weak. What's the matter with me? Right? On top of being tired, I'm piling on shame. Like, you know, your daughter can sleep in. You can. So like, take care of yourself. What's wrong with you? But this time I tried something new. I said to myself, pass Tamar. You had such a good time last night. That was really fun, wasn't it? It was so fun to hang out with your girl and like, you know, bond and watch Parenthood, a show that you loved. You watched, you know, maybe you watched when you were her age. No, probably not that far back. But you loved, you know, such a good time with your girl. I hope you enjoyed it. It was great. Present me is now kind of paying for it, right? I'm tired. I'm really exhausted. But I really love you. I love you enough that I'm going to take it for you. I'm going to be tired for you. It's good. It's cool because you know what? You give me so much past me. You, first of all, let's just talk about the bed that you just like got cozy with, with your daughter and, and, you know, and the projector that you watched it on. Like you made the money to make that happen. You also made this amazing daughter that you got to hang out with, right? You grew her in your body and gave birth to her. Like you did that. Not me, you, right? You created so many gifts for me. So I don't have beef with you anymore. Like, you're good. So I will take this for you, like, because I love you so much. And that shift changed everything. First of all, I can't tell you how much talking to myself has shifted everything. It's such a good idea, right? Because here it is. Most of what past me does is take care of me. She does. Sure, sometimes she leaves me like incredibly tired. Sometimes she leaves me with a pile of laundry. Although I have to say, I got to give her my past me is really good at laundry. So usually I don't. But those kinds of things. Usually she leaves me with like dirty bathrooms. But she also stocks the fridge every week so beautifully. She makes my bed as well as all of my children's beds. She puts money in the bank. She creates this whole life that I love. She did that. So when I stopped like vilifying her and started loving her, that war between present me and future me softened. And the three me's, right, the past me, the present me, future me, really started to become one, which is like the most fun and the most amazing. You know, I even saw this play out with a client of mine just a few days ago. She had also stayed up super late watching a show and came to the call, you know, to our call, our coaching call, like just so pissed at herself, just going off on herself nonstop. And by the end of the session, she was able to say, you know what, past me wanted that. And it was fun. And I loved every single show I just watched. And today I'm tired and that's okay. And I love me and I love my past me and I will carry this and I will just have and I will do this. I will do things tired today because I can do that. And it just felt so powerful. Like I saw her change in front of my eyes and say the same way I saw myself as well. Right. So here's what's wild. The more compassion I've built for past me, the more thoughtful I naturally become about future me, right? Not from guilt or willpower, but like really from love, like truly, really from this unconditional love, this unconditional love that I hope to give to other people that now I'm able to give to myself. Like, for example, this is a good one. I will like go out of my way when I know like I'm out for the day. I will make sure to pack myself like a, well, not for the day. But if I go out for like an hour or so, I'll make myself like a really cold water bottle, lots of ice and like a whole thing of water. And I will cut like some beautiful veggies and maybe another little kind of snack kind of thing and I'll put it in my car. And later when I get back into the car, right, and forgotten about all these things and I'm like thirsty and I'm like getting a little bit annoyed because I'm getting hungry, but it's not like lunchtime, you know, I'll look over to the passenger seat where my stuff is and I'll just sit there and I will smile. And I will say out loud, Pastamar, you hooked me up, girl. I could not do this life without you. I actually remember posting this on a story. And I don't know if it was a video, a picture, whatever, and shared this moment that I had with myself. And I cannot tell you how many likes and how many comments I got from this. People were like, oh, my God, I love that. That is such a good idea. You're constantly just like hooking yourself up and you're getting thanked for it. I mean, that fills you up with a lot of love. I will tell you that. And I want that for you. Right. stepping out, separating out past you, right? Thanking her, loving her, right? Enduring her messes with kindness and like letting her be her messy self and recognizing that there's more, you know, giving that she's doing than messing things up. right? And it sounds simple, right? But I swear it's magic. I swear that once you start doing it actually is simple. So I think you should try it this week, right? Talk to past you with so much kindness and love. And if you do, and you have a particular moment, I would love if you wanted to DM me on Instagram. That's kind of more mostly where I hang out also on Facebook too. And tell me what happened. I want to hear your stories. I want to hear and even tag me. I want to hear your moments with past me where you're just like, thank you for that. That was freaking awesome. I want to hear what you hooked yourself up with. So again, guys, I just also want to say one more thank you again to you guys. I want to say thank you for sharing this podcast on your stories, for passing along to your best friends and your kids' teachers and your, who else, where are other people, and sending me videos of you listening to my podcast while you're on vacation in Italy and when you're walking in the redwoods and when you're all these different places. I can't tell you how much it touches my heart for you guys to do this. And just thank you for reaching out and sending Sending me these love messages, these love bombs. It really means so much. So again, if you're all loving this podcast and you haven't yet, leaving a quick rating or review is also such a beautiful way to support me. All you have to do. I know that sometimes it can feel really tricky. I know before I even started recording a podcast, I'm always like, how do I give this person a review? You just scroll down and I'll back up. podcast or Spotify and you'll see I think Apple podcast so both of them have stars that you can tap and if you're on Apple you could write a review I don't think Spotify you can so those little things really do help more people find the podcast which is just really amazing anyway guys I hope that this podcast this episode really helped kind of bring together the three different versions of you who are walking around wherever you go and remembering that these three versions your past you, your present you and your future you, they're a freaking team and start treating them like that. Okay. You're amazing. I love you. Thanks for listening. And I will see you all next time.