How to Let Go of Perfectionism Today

Perfectionism is not the same as doing your very best. It is not the same as striving for more and better. Instead, it is a means by which we deprive ourselves the feelings of satisfaction, fulfillment, and pride. Rather than having a realistic gauge of what is good and complete, we fixate on what is missing or wrong and it can impact so many areas of our lives. In today’s episodes, we’ll explore some possible causes and, as always, some things you can try at home to loosen your perfectionist tendencies and step into something brand new. 

Transcript

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Today, we're getting real about perfectionism, folks, what it actually is, where it comes from, and how it quietly robs you of pride, joy, and connection. I'll share some stories from my own perfectionist past, including a little birthday poolside moment and the creation of this very podcast, actually, and then give you some simple, doable ways to start breaking free from perfectionism's grip on perfectionism. Starting today. So if you've ever felt like nothing you do is enough, this episode is for you. Hi loves and welcome back to brave little things. You're here for episode seven. I am beyond happy that you press play that you're with me today. I love having you guys on. I hope maybe you're going for a nice walk, a drive in the car without any kids or people in the car with you having a little moment to yourself. I love it. So at the time of recording, my birthday was last week. And let me tell you, it was so good. It was really so good. I had a whole plan for myself. I planned a, what I called a sweet 16 pool party birthday celebration, had a whole invitation that said like, you're invited to tomorrow's sweet 16 pool party. And then organized a little thrift shop, secondhand shop tour in my neighborhood for all the pool ladies and And that was really amazing. And I got little fun gifts from folks from those shops and then came home for a nice deep nap. And then I told my family, I want you to organize a picnic, sunset picnic at the beach for all of us. And that's exactly what they did. And then we went for a dip, watched the sun set, and it was really beautiful. But that's actually what got me thinking about my topic today, about perfectionism, because my birthdays, let me tell you, were really, for like my entire life, really sucked. They were very challenging and very hard for me. And why that is, is because no matter what folks did for me, what my husband, my children, my friends, whoever it was, whatever they set up for me, it never felt like enough. And so the end of the day, the end of my birthday day, I always left feeling disappointed and upset. And I can't believe this is my one day and it wasn't exactly the way I wanted it. And this year was really different for me. And that's kind of why this topic came up. And, you know, perfectionism, why she shows up, right? I love this topic because, you know, I love to know, which is a funny thing to say, I love. I love to know what she costs us when she's in our lives, perfectionism, and how we can drive right through her to the other side. Because what's on the other side of perfectionism is fun, creativity, and joy, and actually feeling alive. Because really, like I was saying, my birthdays have been really challenging my whole life because I've had this perfectionist idea about them. And this year felt so satisfying and so good. And not because it went perfectly, because I will tell you, it certainly did not. It started off with actually my son, who's 18 years old, went out for a four-day silent retreat, which I love for him and he loved. And he was going in actually on my birthday or the night before my birthday. So it was the first time in 18 years that I did not speak to my son, my oldest, on my birthday, which like broke my heart in the beginning. And my sister, one of my sisters, who I'm very, very close to, who usually plans a lot of my birthdays, and we do a lot of fun things together on my birthday, she was in Slovenia backpacking with my niece and far away from any kind of Wi-Fi or ability to be able to call me. And then my best friend, who actually hosted the pool party, was at her house, realized last minute that she would be able to come because she had an appointment that she could not cancel. And then to top it all off, my two beautiful, amazing teenage daughters, who I love immensely, but on the day of my birthday, were like not having it. They were very tired. One of them had been camping for like four days, hadn't slept. And they just weren't like present at the sunset picnic thing, the one thing I asked them to plan. And I felt very, you know, like it just wasn't, they weren't, they didn't really want to be there, it seemed like. But the bottom line is, Since I decided going into this, the perfectionist was perfectionism was not going to lead the show here. I just felt I left the pool party and I was like, if that is all I have, that is enough. I am satisfied that I got to float in a beautiful pool with some women that I love and that is enough. And so I was like, I need to do this topic for a podcast because I think this is incredibly important. And, you know, I realize that so many of my people, my clients, but my listeners, but people in my world, whoever it is, there are so many of you who are perfectionists. And I mean, it's not like I'm a perfectionist or a perfectionist my whole life and attract them or something, which is hilarious because that's exactly what it is. I know that, you know, because I'm a perfectionist, I'm sure I bring them closer to me. Actually, on my birthday, you know, I shared this story poolside when I was in this pink floaty. But I shared with the women in the pool, a lot of them, by the way, you know, are friends they've had for a while, but a bunch of them were really new friends, friends that I have created actually in my own networking community. And so a lot of them don't know different things about me. So I was sharing with them that I used to actually be anorexic. I had an eating disorder when I was in high school, 15, 16 years old, and I was hospitalized for it. And thank God I am completely healed and and great and eat all the stuff and feel good about and love my body, all the things. But I was sharing how something that they do, they did in the hospital, they would, you know, surround us with lots of different kinds of therapy, trauma therapy, art therapy, food therapy, all the stuff. And there was one day when they, they brought us and we're doing art therapy. And they threw down a bunch of magazines in front of us. And I said, we're going to create collages of your eating disorder, like how you picture it, what reminds you of your eating disorder, all those kinds of things. And it's something that I love, actually. They would work really hard in the hospital to make us picture our eating disorder like a character. So it's like something outside of us, which is something I do with my clients all the time, especially with emotions, like really picturing the emotion of sadness as it's something outside of you and all those things. So anyways, and then they, you know, now, you know, you're not going to have scissors. You're going to have to tear them out of the magazine and then paste them on. And here we are, a bunch of like 10 anorexics sitting around a bunch of magazines and not able to perfectly cut these things with scissors. We were like slipping out. Meanwhile, the table next door with a bunch of bulimics were like having the time of their lives. They didn't give a crap if they ripped it or not ripped it. They were like going to town. And so it just like hit me how much it really come from perfectionism, how much it really took over my life. And, you know, and for a very long time, it really did. So I just think this is such an important topic. You know, and also to kind of share with you guys, in all honesty, that this podcast itself almost never made it out to you guys because of that same voice. It took me months, months to hit publish because I got so wrapped up in the editing piece of it and smoothing out every noise that my kids made or noise from a door shutting and deleting every um or right, right? Which, by the way, I realize how much I say that, right? But once I remembered myself that I'm not that woman anymore, that B minus work is so good enough for me. I don't need to edit myself completely. I just hit go. I don't actually edit these podcasts at all. I was getting so tripped up in it and trying to figure out how to do it and be perfectionist about how I was editing. I decided, you know what, I'm not going to edit it all. I'm going to let my people hear it all. I got kids. Yeah, you hear my kids? Well, I got them. You hear my laundry machine? Yep, I do laundry. You're going to hear it too. So here I am. And let me tell you, it's in your hands way sooner than it would have been if I would have let a perfectionism take over and hold me back before I fully learned how to do the editing thing and do it really well and all those kinds of things. So let me tell you, here's what I want you to know today about perfectionism. Perfectionism is not just a little quirk. It's not limited to one part of your life. It shows up everywhere and it sucks the pride, the joy, the satisfaction right out of you, right? Like I shared about my birthday, right? It was showing up in my birthday, but it definitely was showing up in my work and it was showing up in my relationship with my kids and me being a parent and all the different kinds of ways. And some signs that you might see to prove or to show that you're stuck in perfectionism are these. Listen up carefully. See if you see yourself in some of them, okay? So seeing everything in extremes. If it's not perfect, it must be a failure. That's the only options. Constant self-criticism. Relying on others for validation. Creating endless rules. being afraid of looking incompetent, assuming everyone's judging you all the time. You feeling any of these? Do you see yourself in this long list of things that hold a human back from achieving the life or the business or both that they deeply want? Because you see, perfectionism, it's not just how you are. It's a habit you picked up somewhere in life. But, but, but, but, but, I've got really good news for you because what that also means is that you can put it down, which is amazing. You can actually put perfectionism down. You're not a lost cause here. So something that's also very important to know, and this is actually a really important thing to know for perfectionism, for perfectionists to know about perfectionism. Perfectionism is not the same thing as doing your best or striving for high achievements. It is not at all. I believe both of those things, right, doing your best and striving for the highest achievements are important and necessary to grow and expand. It's something I work on with my clients all the time. And that's the hardest thing for people to unlearn because we think letting go of perfectionism means we'll settle, we'll stop caring. And this belief makes it very, very hard for folks to want to let it go. Like, why would I want to just be a loser who doesn't reach high, do amazing things and be better than I am today, right? Which is legit. I get that, especially for perfectionists. But that's not what it means, right? People get it confused all the time, which is why they hold on to it for dear life. I used to sit in job interviews before I became a coach, before I created my own business, job interview after job interview and say with such deep pride, my biggest flaw, huh? Oh, I'm a perfectionist. Like it was my best feature. Badge of honor. Wow. Another lifetime ago. I'm telling you guys, just saying this now, I'm a perfectionist. Like I would say it was such pride that like, I know you're going to want to hire me now because if that's my biggest flaw that I need to get everything perfect, you're going to be so into me. I mean, seriously, I don't even like recognize that woman anymore. She's so different than who I am today. But she was real and alive, living inside of me for a very long time. And she, you know, really held me back from doing and being my fully juicy self, like 100%. You know, something that Liz Gilbert says so beautifully and perfectly. I've mentioned Liz Gilbert in the past, a mentor of mine. She wrote Eat, Pray, Love. She says perfectionism is just fear dressed up in high heels in a mink coat. Right. I love that. Perfectionism is just fear dressed up in high heels in a mink coat. Like it's not a beautiful, amazing thing that you think it is. It's just fear that just threw on like something fancy looking to like act as if she's really cool, but she's not. There's nothing glamorous about it. It's just fear. That's it. That's all it is. And it really helps like make it not this beautiful thing. And, you know, here's the kicker, because this is like, you know, something that's so interesting, but perfectionists rarely feel done, which means they rarely ever win because the game is taking action, competing the task or completing the task, and then getting to feel all the pride and joy of I mean, the point of our lives is to fill yourself up with so much amazing emotions of pride and joy and happiness and all the things, but they don't even get to sink deep into that. They don't get to feel that ever. And so they never get to win. Even when they meet a goal, they don't feel satisfied. Because it's never perfect enough. Instead, they focus on what's lacking and imperfect and are left with a very unsatisfactory feeling like the job is not done. Exactly how I felt on my birthdays. No matter what people planned for me, no matter what I planned for myself, no matter what I'd be left with, wasn't good enough. This didn't work. That didn't work. This didn't work. This didn't happen, right? Like this year, I just decided that all the things that weren't happening were not something I was going to be focusing on. That is going to be focused on what actually felt amazing and that changed everything. So some of you will see perfectionism pop up in just one area of your life, where others might see it in many, if not every area of your life. And that depends on how much you've practiced it and how much you're ready and open to unlearn it. So, I mean, I think a really good question that we need to ask when we're talking about perfectionism is like, so where does it come from? It's like, can we give it back? Can we give this back? Because I don't even know where it comes from. But listen, from all the research and working with clients over the years, my conclusion is that its core perfectionism comes from the belief that your worth is conditional, that you have to earn love, approval, and belonging. And that belief runs even deeper for women who are conditioned to play the role of giver and giving, giving damn, damn well. There's actually a study that I was reading that shares that from over 40,000 college students. So this is not even like fully formed adults. These are young adults. About 40,000 college students, 33% of the girls, the women, describe themselves as perfectionists. and gave lots of different examples compared to just 21% of the men. So I thought that was a really interesting study. And I also, by the way, I follow this great Instagrammer. I love her. Her work is really about helping women become the relaxed version of themselves. Her name is Nicola Hobbs. I'll link her in the show notes. So she says, in one of her posts, she says, you know, growing up, I never knew a relaxed woman. Successful woman, sure. Productive woman, tons. Anxious, apologetic women, everywhere. But relaxed, I want to become her. She's really talking about like everywhere. And, you know, the generation of women before us, they were like successful and productive and anxious and all the things. But were they relaxed? No, they really weren't relaxed. And it's something that we have to actively become if we want to become it. So I know for so many of my clients, you know, who would consider themselves perfectionists, they feel like if they look busy and they act busy and they feel busy, then they are worthwhile and their time is worthwhile. A lot of time productivity is not even required, which I think is hilarious. But if I look like I'm busy, then I've justified my time for the day. Like I'm good. You'll hear all the time folks almost competing with each other about listing all the things that they've had to do and are busy with. And as if if they're miserable, it means they've earned their right to be here. How many of you guys, just hearing this, do you feel called out? Do you feel like, oh, shit, man, that's totally me. Truth, I'm with you. My hand is raised right with you. But what happens is it really creates a problem. with being authentic and present and really choosing activities that will make us happy and satisfied with our lives in the long run, right? So an example, this is a good example. Let's say I chose to clean out some junk drawer I have in my house as opposed to playing like a card game with my son. Because after cleaning out the junk drawer, Then I get the satisfied feeling of something done and complete. I feel this deep sense of pride and being productive. And on top of that, if someone comes to my house and they need something, they open this junk drawer and now it's beautifully put together, they'll actually get to see it and be impressed with me. So I get feedback from other people, good, positive feedback. Yet, At the end of the day, I've just thrown away a good opportunity to bond and get closer to my son and create some good mama-son memories. And that would have created an even better feeling of connection, pleasure, and closeness. So we really kind of give that out. We're just like, we just need to be busy. We just need to be busy. We really don't stand in a place of really deciding what activity, what thing do I want to do right now that's actually going to bring me to a place where that I really want of joy and happiness and connection, right? It really comes down to truly believing full heart, full heart that no matter what gets done and how much is left undone at the end of the day, I am enough. This life I'm leading is enough. I know that's easier said than done. But that is really what it comes down to for us to fully, full body, truly believe that no matter what and how much is left undone at the end of the day, I'm enough. So, you know, another great question is like, why is it so freaking hard to let go? Because for a lot of us, perfectionism has always gotten us praise. It feels like the reason we succeed is like a little bit of a hit of approval, like right in your arm, a little hit of approval here. We can't stop chasing it, right? It's like we're talking about with choosing the junk drawer as opposed to your kid, because then, you know, your husband comes home and they see this cleaned out, beautiful junk drawer that's now like in a organized way. And it's like, oh my God, amazing job. I love that you did this. Now I can easily find things. Oh, incredible. Thank you so much for taking your time to do this, right? And you don't get that necessarily when you're like playing cards with your kid. Nobody else sees it, right? P.S. I've also noticed that many of my perfectionist clients are very, very good at many things. They're used to getting praise and recognition from others for what they do. It's seriously like a drug. I'm telling you guys that you feel like you need it, which is why for so many of us, it's hard to give up. But you can't heal what you keep romanticizing. And this is a really interesting thing. I feel like for many habits, not just perfectionism, but any habit that's not working for you, that's not benefiting your life, that's not growing you into your next best version of you, right? We oftentimes will romanticize. For example, if someone's an overeater, They will oftentimes romanticize food and how good it tastes. Look at that chocolate cake. They really did a beautiful job, you know, creaming the cream. And I'm not really a huge, I mean, I bake, but I'm kind of making stuff up right now. But they will romanticize how amazing the food looks and how amazing it's going to taste in their mouth of the taste of that. And it makes, all it does is make you want to go for it because hello, like it's literally like a relationship with a person. The more you think good thoughts about that person, the more you say it out loud, the more you want to be around that person. Same thing as about food, about any kind of habit. And perfection is in the same way, right? So I, like I want, I oftentimes will tell my clients who I see who are like stuck in perfectionism. I want you to think about it, your perfectionism specifically and, As this like sleazy dude, you know, who you maybe met at a concert or something, who's whispering these empty promises in your ear. If you just fix this one more thing, everybody will love you. You guys like my sexy voice? If you just fix that one thing I'm telling you, everyone's going to love you. I mean, perfectionism is constantly being the sleazy dude who's whispering sweet nothings into your ear that are just not true and holding you back from doing all the amazing things that you want to be doing. So let me actually leave you with one more metaphor that I think is really great and a great shifter, right? Because a lot of this, we think, oh, you know, if you've been a perfectionist your whole life, You feel like, oh, it's going to take years to change. You know, this is like, there's got to be, I have to have a million different steps to make this change. But it really doesn't. A lot of this is literally can be a simple mindset shift in how you think about it, how you see it in order for you to change. So this is a really great metaphor I really like because it helps us, especially for the perfectionist that, you know, sometimes it's very challenging to go from like a perfectionist your whole life to then not, right? Right. So this is a slow, like a first step in the direction. So I want you to think about that you are like the CEO of this huge company, this huge corporation, whatever it is. And you have hired perfectionism from like the moment your doors were open. Full time employee. She's got her hands in every project. She's, you know, constantly you're she's administration. She's, sharing her opinion. She's been with you from the beginning. And you thought she'd make the company thrive. That's why you hired her. But what's been happening instead is that she's actually bleeding you dry, hurting morale, slowing production. She is not what you thought she was. And so you realize that it's time to demote her, right? Or even fire her. And but if you're going to demote her, you're demoting her to freelance contractor. So you're It doesn't mean you're like peace out, never going to see you, but it means for like most of these projects, I'm not going to have your hands in them, but I will keep you in mind if there's certain projects I want to bring you into, right? So a concrete example of this, for example, is for myself, where I've let perfectionism hang out and do a little playing around with is when I'm planning a different travel adventure than planning for myself, my family, me and a friend or whatever it is. I'm a huge travel planner. Love it. I have so much fun with it. It's a little like my puzzle. You know, some people relax with a puzzle at the end of the day. It's like I can, I'll like plan a travel thing. Like it's so fun for me. So I've let perfectionism kind of, you know, still hang out with me. I will spend lots of time looking at the best campsites, the best air and bees, check the reviews, you know, just like really let myself go to town there. And it's kind of like my decompressor. It's like my cigarette, you know, at the end of the day. And so I let perfectionism hang out with me there, right? Even though there's parts of the trip also that I won't let her like hang out because it will like really delay the trip or whatever. But when it comes to, for example, this podcast or an email I'm writing or something like that, I will let her know that she is and this is not a project for her anymore. But thank you very much, right? So I want you to think about that for yourself. All right, guys, I'm going to give you a little brave little things challenge for the day. This week, I want you to pick just one area of your life or your business where you can fire perfectionism from. Maybe it's clean the closet and it just feels good enough. It's just perfect. Send the email draft without nitpicking it to death. Every little word, every little sentence, every little comma. Post the thing even if the lighting isn't ideal or you didn't say everything that you wanted to say. And then I want you to sit back after you've posted or sent the email or cleaned the closet, whatever it is, and ask yourself these questions. What did that feel like? Why? What were you believing in that moment? What did you actually get done? Like what's out there in the world that wouldn't have been if you waited for it to be perfect? And then maybe also ask yourself, like, what surprised you about that? Maybe it was actually easier than you thought. Maybe you thought it was going to be actually really hard to do that and actually was easier. Or maybe it was harder. Or what were some of the things that came up that surprised you? DM me or tag me actually in your stories. I actually would love to hear what you tried and what worked and what didn't work. And a lot of people are like, let me know. I want to know. But I actually really do. I really would love to. You can like head to my Instagram and DM me or even tag me in the stories and just share with me because I really do want to hear these stories. I think that when we start to shift things one step, one percent closer to where we want to go and do something in that kind of stage, a one percent stage, we start to see real change. We start telling perfectionism who really runs this show because it ain't her. You guys, thank you so much for being here. I cannot tell you how much it means for you to be part of this brave tribe. And if you love this episode, please rate and review the podcast. It is literally the best gift you can give a podcast, especially a baby podcast like mine that just starting off. It lets the different platforms really know that people are into this, people like this, and they can help spread the word more. You can leave some stars or write a quick line about what you're loving about it. I think on Apple podcast, you scroll down on the show page, you tap stars, and then you write a review. On Spotify, you just tap the stars. I don't think there's a place where you can write a review. But I love you all so much, Brave Tribe. You've got this. Until next time, sending you so much love. I'll see you next time.