Be an Influence, Not an Influencer

In a world obsessed with likes, reach, and “going viral,” what if virality isn’t actually the goal?

In this episode, I’m talking about the pressure so many business owners feel to grow fast online — and why chasing attention can sometimes pull us further away from the people we’re actually here to serve.

I share:

- The story of a coach friend who accidentally went viral overnight

- Why huge engagement doesn’t always equal aligned business growth

- The hidden downside of virality and algorithm-chasing

- Why your “low engagement” offer posts may actually be your most important content

- The difference between being an influencer and being an influence

- Why intimacy, resonance, and real connection matter so much more than numbers

This episode is a reminder that your job is not to entertain the masses.

Your job is to help your people find you.

To book a free coaching consult with Tamar:

www.tamarcoaching.com/consult 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey up, brave little things. Welcome back to the podcast. Love having you guys here. Feeling a little bit low energy and a little bit loopy because I'm recording this at the end of the day today, as opposed to usually I record in the morning time. So we're just gonna ride with this energy. I hope you guys enjoy it. I'm actually kind of enjoying it. You know, it's like when you're a little bit tired and you're just like, it's almost like you're a little bit drunk. That's kind of how I feel. So it will be interesting. Anyway, welcome back, guys. Today we got a good topic. We're gonna be talking about how to be an influence as opposed to being an influencer. And listen, guys, I think that, you know, every week is a different episode with a different topic. And some topics are gonna be definitely much more geared to entrepreneurs and to, you know, business-minded folks. And others will sound like they're just, you know, more versatile and more open to, you know, everybody. But truthfully, I think that every episode has something for everybody. So even if it sounds like something that would be just for the entrepreneur folks, listening carefully because there's lots of drops of wisdom here and there that I think will speak to everybody. So so stick with me. Anyways, we're talking about, you know, how to be influenced as opposed to an influencer. And I'll tell you, this topic came to me because I am deep right now into a 30-day visibility challenge that I'm doing with another coach. And it's kicking my ass a little bit, guys. I gotta tell you, it's kicking my ass. Me, who is a business and visibility coach myself, you know, we're specifically focusing on talking videos, you know, where you just, you know, put the phone up and you yap, yap, yap, which I've done plenty of, but also with this particular framework and my mind is just totally gone into like it's gotta be great, and it's just it's done all the things. And this is exactly why you do a challenge. You want all this stuff to come forward and come up, but it doesn't feel great, and it feels a little bit like, oh my god, like I've I'm a professional poster now, all of a sudden I feel super cringe all over again. So that's kind of what's happening for me. But the conversation of like, how do I grow? How do I get more reach? How do I go viral comes up when you do things like this, right? And so this is kind of why I want to talk about it today because I've got lots of thoughts about going viral. Because, you know, that is the buzzword, and everyone's talking about it, and certainly people who are in the online space. And yeah, I just feel maybe a little bit differently than a lot of people. So I kind of wanted to share my thoughts about it and the hopes that maybe this helps you and you can add to your bank of opinions about what it means to go viral. But listen, I just want to say also that of course I want growth. Of course, I want my follower growth to, you know, increase on Instagram and more people to know me. And, you know, that is what is wonderful for business, right? When your doors are open to your shop, more people know about you, they think about you when, you know, they're needing something that you could help them with. You know, that's what we all want. But I also think when the going viral becomes the goal, it can also quietly kill your business, right? I know that's a thing. That's like a thing to say. That's a big drop here, but I think it really can because when the focus becomes that, right? When it comes like going viral, getting more people, your face in front of a lot more people, creating videos that, you know, speak to the algorithm and not necessarily to your people, that can slowly kill, first of all, your desire and the whole reason why you are doing this in the first place. And so you show up weird and you show up awkward and you show up saying things that you maybe not would not say. And ultimately what happens is you don't actually attract your people, which is the point of what we're trying to do here, I think, right, guys? Like this is what we're trying to do. We're trying to be, you know, to you know, not this is a weird analogy, but like we want to have a smell of our own that then other our people can smell us from afar and come closer to us. Okay, that was a little bit of a weird one, but you know what I'm talking about. And it can what this can do when you're when your focus is to go viral, you can really kind of pull yourself away from your actual people. It shifts you from you know connection to performance or service, right? Really serving your people to just wanting attention and true authenticity, right? And s as opposed to like you're just, you know, algorithm chasing, like trying to, you know, chase the algorithm. You know, I have a story here, you know, of a coach friend, a colleague, who I've become friends with through via Instagram. Actually, I think also our world. We coached, you know, we've got trained in the same worlds. But anyway, she's an amazing coach. She had a fairly like low following. I think it was like, you know, 2,300 followers, something like that. Still made millions with just that following, which you hear all the time. Many, many people make good money, even with a low following, right? Which is part of this conversation today. And she kind of accidentally went viral. She shared a post that was talking about the few weird rules that she has for her kids that have made them like high achieving, successful, and all those kinds of things. And they were kind of, they were funny. They were like out there things that they do. Like, for example, not taking showers so they could build their germ, their the germ, I don't know, whatever that is. What else were some of them? I was trying to think. I don't have the I don't have our thing right here. But they were definitely like, oh, I think like if they want to stay up past 8 p.m., they have to be reading. And they get paid to read certain kinds of books, all these different kinds of things. Anyway, she shared it. She jumped within seconds from that 2,300 to 13K like overnight. Overnight. And now she's at 70K, so she's been slowly growing, which is, you know, very cool. But what happened was, and she I was speaking to her actually over DMs about this, and then she even actually made a podcast, was that though she grew and she grew fast, it wasn't amazing for her. And it didn't actually improve her business. She didn't make, you know, at this point, she now probably has, but initially, in the first few months, you know, it wasn't working for her because what happened is that her, you know, comment section exploded. And they weren't very nice comments, a lot of them, the majority of them had things to say, not nice things to say. Whereas it used to be her comment section was a very intimate, sweet, you know, connection with the people who were following her and really loved her and bel you know, was into her everything she had to say, and all of a sudden it was like nasty things. In fact, she had she had mentioned that she even got a death threat from somebody. I mean, this is just nuts. And also, she is also a business coach and she, you know, accidentally went viral with a parenting post. And so then all of a sudden, like, you know, of these 13K followers, the majority of them were like parents and looking for parenting advice and homeschool parents and all those kinds of things of which she is not a coach for that. And so there are also this a lot of people following her that weren't even like who she is, like, you know, sharing her service with. And it was very messy for a very long time. And honestly, if she wasn't a business coach and had as many skills and tools, she probably would not know how to monetize this. It would have been like a I've heard a lot of stories of folks going viral, gaining so many followers, and end up like shutting down their account because they don't have to do it with it. It just becomes too crazy, right? So, you know, my point of sharing the story is just sharing that like we think that it's all wonderful. We think, yes, that is the point. We want to get as many views on our stuff as possible, and then we can, you know, gain all the followers and all those kinds of things. But just like everything in life, that is just clearly not how it is, right? There is we romanticize, you know, going viral, but it really does cut a lot of the intimacy and the connection and losing the plot of why we are here on social media to be social, to try our best to be as human as possible on something that is very not human. But this is the way that we connect right now. We no longer connect in the same ways we did. So this is the best thing that we could do, right? Obviously, we're also connecting offline as well, hopefully, with our friends, our family, things like that, but with the rest of the world, this is where we are. And so when we focus, focus, focus on going viral, it really can cut that that that feeling, that emotional experience that you're having with other people on the other side, right? So I really do believe, like, you know, what is our goal here? It's to serve our people. You know, your people finding you, becoming more yourself every time you show up, and not this polished, you know, performative version of you. You know, I I had a friend who was, I was watched as like, you know, there was like a week in a row where she would post a reel. And within, like I would see it maybe when like within like six minutes or something of her posting it, and she'd already have like 700 likes and maybe a comment or two or whatever. And so finally reached out to her, I'm like, can you what the hell is going on? What the hell's going on here? Can you tell me? Because like something changed and I want to know. And so she shared with me about the trial reels. I don't know if you guys know about the trial reels, but trial reels are something that that um Instagram has where you basically create a reel and you put it into trial reels, and then Instagram feeds it out to uh all your non-followers, so people who are not following you yet. And you see if it goes, if you see if people like it, right? You see what happens, how many views it gets, things like that. And then if it goes really well, then you can bring it to your audience. Anyway, so I was like, oh, this is amazing. I'm definitely gonna try this. This is so cool. And so I tried it for a little while, but what was happening was this this whole thing that we're talking about right now, which is like my focus became going viral. That was the point of it. I want to get get as many followers as possible. And so I started writing things and creating things that were like very short, not really me, not intimate, trying to really like match the algorithm of what's happening, and it just did not fly. And I was putting all my focus there as opposed to creating content for my people. And so I stopped. I really kind of stopped that. Although I will tell you, I just c literally just now came from a coffee date with a friend who also was doing trial reels, who has been doing them. And she actually had really great points towards why you should do trial reels. Number one, her content became she went from like totally speaking her people's language, like totally there, like really fire. And then she kind of went a little bit more chat GPT, like her content was not, it was just like it just did not catch people's eye or their attention. And then she started doing these trial reels and she felt this like looseness, she felt this like non-pressure to perform, actually, because it was not going to her people, but going to non-followers, people didn't know her. So she was able to kind of bring herself back through the trial reel. So for that, I really love the trial reels, that is for sure. But if it's the opposite, if you're like doing them and you're like, you know, creating content that's like not you, but just so that you can get more views, then there we go again. We're back to the beginning, which is we're losing the plot of why we're even here and spending time on social media, right? To be able to connect to our people. So, you know, it's interesting because a lot of the time, you know, there's so many people we see all over social media. And oftentimes we can see people with a massive following. And I know this because I'm in this world and have had many conversations with other coaches and everything like that, but there are a good amount of people, I don't have statistics, but who have a huge following but do not make money from their accounts. As opposed to folks who have a smaller following but make bank, kind of like this coach I was sharing with you, right? That she like didn't really need to go to 70K to make millions because she was doing that anyway. And so it's really important, like, you know, posts that it's like really an fascinating, it's actually very fascinating to me, the whole human brain and psychology behind posting and social media and what speaks to people and what doesn't, and what will they respond to and lurkers and the whole thing. But it is a fact that if you put up a post that is about announcing a retreat or a workshop or a course or whatever it is, you will get significantly less engagement as opposed to a post about Mother's Day and what wonderful, you know, children brought you coffee and you know, breakfast in bed and made you a spaghetti necklace, you know, and then you'll get like a million likes. And it really comes down to our people are very private. And if it comes to something like you announcing a retreat, a workshop, a course, or things like that, many people like don't want to engage because then, oh no, this person's gonna think I want to actually do the retreat, or I don't know, maybe I would, but I want to decide it in private, not in front of a lot of people. If I like it, people know that I'm really into it, right? It's this whole brain like psychology that's going around. It's like people will like something that has nothing to do, that's completely detached from themselves because they're afraid of like putting themselves out there like front and center, like kind of separate from the tribe, right? Which is a funny thing because it's like you're not separate from the tribe. There's like a few, there's a few more people liking this. And you're not standing out as a leader, but that's how it feels when you like simply push that little button that says like or even, God forbid, write a comment, right? So it's like it is, I personally would rather have three likes and clients than, you know, and and clients are coming into my practice than 3,000 likes and no business at all. And I think that probably most people would agree with me for themselves as well. Because we have to remember, we're here, you know, for those who are entrepreneurs and small business owners, we are not here just to have some fun, right? Even though you know, you guys know that my main value is having fun. But when we are here, we are also, this is our business, and this is not a hobby. And unless it is a hobby, because for some of you, maybe it is a hobby, but if you're a small business owner, you're here to bring people closer to you, to let them know how you can serve them. In order to do that, we need to show up in certain kinds of ways, that really opens the door to them. And there is a way to be performative and interesting in that kind of way that will just have them continuously like, like, like, but walk away within two seconds. Or there'll be ways that we can kind of continuously whisper to our people inspiring ideas, things to think about, ways to shift, even just one percent, and slowly, slowly they're walking towards us, and slowly, slowly become part of our world, which change their world, which is what I am here for, and I imagine you guys are as well. So that's kind of like the point. So when we're talking about going viral, oftentimes that takes us away from it completely, right? So yeah, I think we spoke a lot about, you know, what I'm talking about. I think also I want to say is that, you know, there's like also like a metaphor. This I think this could be a metaphor for like friendship as well. You know, it's kind of like, would you rather have a thousand friends who like vaguely know your name, don't really know you, you know, they but they're your friends-ish, right? Or ten people who would help you move a couch from one apartment to the next, or you know, answer when you call crying and celebrate you when you win and truly know you. Right? That's kind of what we're looking at here. And again, I want to say again and again, I have no problem with growth. I have no problem with you wanting to increase your followers. I am on the same page as that. I think the main point here is like how we're doing it and what is our main focus and what is the plot of this story, keeping that front and center at all times. Because growing is a beautiful thing. Knowing lots of people, beautiful thing. Vi going viral itself is not evil. But the goal here is intimacy, right? It is real connection. Right? We want to know these are my people and I am theirs. We want to have this like total connection with each other. So we want to think about like, even though the rest of the world and the Instagram world is telling us go viral, go viral, that's the point. That's when you know when you're successful. If you've got a you know, a video that's gone a real that's gone viral, you know that you've hit it. And we want to check in about that because that is not a belief that is factual. That is a belief of many people, but that does not make it factual. And oftentimes it hurts us in the long term, in the long what long term in business. So if you're building a business, your goal is not to become an influencer, right? Your goal here is to become an influence. An influence, right? Which is the whole title of this freaking podcast. And if we don't if you don't know the difference, the difference between the two is an influencer needs attention, needs numbers, needs reach, a lot of things that they need. But someone who can influence, they're the ones who are creating impact, creating trust, change they change lives. Often what happens what here is that it happens slowly and quietly and consistently and intimately, and all the like unsexy things that like humans don't want naturally. But that's literally how to make the impact last forever. Right? You want people to listen to your podcast, you know, and cry in the car as they're listening to it because it's impacting them so deeply. I know I want that. You know, you want someone booking, you know, a a consult with you after, you know, watching you on the sidelines for two years and just like really into what you're doing, but we're just too scary, but now they're like ready. You want someone like reading your posts and feeling less alone, feeling like this person, they get me. You want someone trusting you enough that they're willing to take that step closer to you to like trust put trust in you with their lives and what they're needing. That's what we're wanting. No matter what profession we're in, no matter if we're somatic healers, interior designers, ceramicists, painters, photographers, coaches, whatever it is, that's what we all want. So we want to keep on showing up. We want to keep on experimenting and learning marketing and growing our audiences. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, please. But we also don't want to lose ourselves trying to go viral. Our job is not to entertain the masses, guys. I know it can feel that way, right? It can feel like, okay, here we go, you know, we gotta say something really smart and witty and fun and show them something really cool, like us, you know, whatever it is. Your job is to help your people recognize themselves in you. Let's say that one more time. Your job here, guys, is to help your people recognize themselves in you, which means share from your heart the truthful things, the messy things, the I'm human things. They want to hear all those kinds of things. And don't focus so much on becoming an influencer that you forget to become an influence on your folks and on your people who want to be part of your lives and are just waiting patiently. Well, that's all I've got for you guys. I hope that was some food for thought. Did I always say food for thought? I never know those sayings. Whatever it is, guys, but go out there, connect to your people, have an amazing time doing it. I love you guys so much, and I will see you next week. All my love.